Hi, can I please get help with having my essay revised? How can I better my personal statement?
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Wrapping presents while listening to joyful Christmas music, in a warm room filled with friends, was something I would have never expected when hearing the words "community service". The holiday season was approaching when the director of the organization I had recently began volunteering at -Day One- had spoken to the youth volunteers about Day One's annual Cherishing Children Toy Drive. As she spoke to us, I thought to myself, "Here we go, another, generic toy drive where people donate gifts, Day One delivers them, and end of story."
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Bryan, what is the word count on this essay? Are you over the limit? While your essay speaks in great detail about the experience that you had with Day One, you did not really explain to us why you are proud of your accomplishment as a volunteer. Instead, your spoke of your gratefulness and realization that you had it better than others in your community. You need to revise the essay to instead reflect the fact that you are proud of your volunteer work which occurred during that holiday and then explain why you feel that way. That is how you can properly answer the prompt and provide an insight into the kind of person you have become because of your participation in that organization.
Thank you for your reply! I am currently at 509 words for this essay but when combining it with prompt 1 I reach 990 words, and the word limit is 1000 words. So I need to reflect more on why my experience makes me proud and explain why I feel that way. Do you suggest me taking out any particular parts from the essay since I am close to reaching the word limit?
I suggest that you revise the first 2 paragraphs of the essay by combining the introduction and content. That way you can bring down the word count and immediately present the event to the reader rather than having them read through so many words before getting the the part that you participated in. Highlight your contribution to the project that shows the kind of actual accomplishment you have and what you learned from it. Do not provide too much backgrounder on the foundation but mention the factors supporting the important event and how your accomplishments there helped shape the person you became.
Wrapping presents while listening to joyful Christmas music, in a warm room filled with friends, was something I would've never expected when hearing the words "community service". The holiday season was approaching when the director of the organization I had recently began volunteering at -Day One- had spoken to the youth volunteers about Day One's annual Cherishing Children Toy Drive. As she spoke, I thought to myself that this would be just another generic toy drive, but I was mistaken, completely underestimating the significant role I played in the event planning process.
During our meetings youth met with staff to develop goals, and I was amazed that the adults were willing to listen to my opinions and place them into action. We went to different parts of the city to speak to several businesses, in an effort to receive donations. I continued to speak to many important adults, and although I was initially nervous about speaking, through our business visits I was able to successfully develop my communication skills in order to attain our team's goal, while uniting our community for a great cause.
The day of the Cherishing Children event finally arrived and I was delighted with all the work we had done in preparation for it. I looked at the other side of Day One's gate, where hundreds of children and their parents lined up around the block, anxiously waiting to enter. Most of the children in the line belonged to families affected by economic hardships. Looking at the line saddened me, but I was blessed that I had the opportunity to raise the holiday spirit in my community through this event. While I visited family in San Francisco or Nevada for the holidays, I never realized that due to socioeconomic factors most of my community did not have such a luxury. This event helped me realize the socioeconomic divide in our city. That there are clearly two different types of Pasadena residents. Those North of the 210 freeway and those thought of when one hears about the Rose Parade.
Watching the smiles of each and every kid as they received a gift humbled me. Many children, who had never even seen snow, happily threw snowballs in a huge pile on the lawn. Others sat around the fire roasting marshmallows, making arts and crafts, or drinking a cozy cup of hot chocolate. The thought that something so simple could bring so much joy truly amazed me. I felt proud of my accomplishments when several parents came up to thank me for our work. As a teenager, I never imagined that I could bring so much happiness and unity in my community. To know that I contributed to the children's smiles, and to know that I gave many their first holiday experience made me proud of my work.
Cherishing Children has helped me grow as a person. It's helped me develop my public speaking skills, comfort level when talking to others, skill sets in planning an event, as well as opening my eyes to the whole of my community. The feeling I received from having the opportunity to help others is extraordinary, and I'm motivated to build on this passion in college. (533)
I tried revising, do you think it's improved? Although I deleted some information, I ended up adding more than I originally had, do you think there's anything else I can specifically take out to bring down the word count?