I really need to get feedback seriously. This is really important stuff to me, hopefully you guys will fix great!
I am a Korean student. I grew up in various cultural backgrounds during my adolescence period. If I become as a part of UW community, I would like to share my home country cultures like Korean New-Year's Day, difference than others from my diverse in cultural backgrounds and interacting other countries' cultures.
Korea is one of the unique countries in the world. This is because there are old heritages coexisting with new technology. I am hoping to introduce my country to my future classmates to show difference between America and Korea, making broader perspective to the world to become as a global leader.
Despite, my country has diverse culture; I decided to leave my home-country to go study in the United States when I was 16 years old. Basically, I had a hard time adapting to American life. I had to develop my English skills as average American sophomore students, and learn how to live in diverse-cultural society.
I would like to share my episodes and the transformations during those two and half academic years. Since many Latinos and Hispanics live around us. Meanwhile, I have many stories about cultural differences to share with students in University of Washington. I heard many things about segregations in America, back in Korea. But my region respects diverse races and nobody did mock races of people, so I developed a sense of mutual respect towards various races of people. If I get admitted in UW, I would like to hang out with variety of people, regardless of wherever they come from with the respect to the students.
In the end, I am considering as a diligent student to myself. I have strong academic interest in both Business Administration and computer Engineering. I am looking forward to challenge intellectually to become a global leader after I graduate from UW. I hope to fit in the criteria what the UW community wants to desire from me.
I really have no idea where should I start edit this one. Hopefully, you guys gives some of nice advice to me. Thank you.
Instead of stating all that info, you should incorporate into one particular incident that occured. That way, there will be some emotion in the essay and also it will seem unique, as well.
Good luck!
Hmm... I changed little bit by myself.
So, please consider this part. Thank you.
You use too much I in the beginning of the sentence.
You may have some corrections like this:
Growing up various cultural backgrounds during my adolescence period, I'm a student from Korea, a country....(input what you want to describe your country)
And you would better notice the variety of sentence.
Good Luck!
I am a Korean student. I grew up in various a culturally rich setting during my adolescence period . If I become as a part of UW community, I would like to share my home country's cultural practices, including Korean New-Year's Day, difference than others from my diverse in cultural backgrounds and interacting other countries' cultures.
(above) You did not really have mistakes -- just sentences that could be clearer or more eloquent...
Korea is one of the most unique countries in the world.
Despite Korea's growing prominence, my country has diverse culture.
... learn how to live in a culturally diverse society.
University of Washington Short answer - contribute to this community
Hi. I want to check this essay to make sure that I do not have grammar errors.
I am welcome to get all of comments to develop this short answer.
UW short answer - The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community?
Thanks for the comments. I do not have way to work about last paragraph.
Would you recommend to me what should I saying about the last paragraph?
You should use positive words!
Example: I have strong academic interest in both Business Administration and computer Engineering. I will challenge intellectually to become a global leader after I graduate from UW. I hope You really cant use strong words here because then it sounds as if you're positive you will be accepted to fit in the criteria what the UW community wants to desire from me.
aguafria22 beat me to it but just use positive words
hope it helps :]
good luck!
PS address the college by its full name in an essay " University of Washington "
I modified my essay, but it should be least 250 words. So, would you fill out more words for this short answer?
I'm a student from Korea; my country is one of the most unique countries in the world. This is because there are old heritages and traditions coexisting with new technology. If I were a part of UW community, I would share my country's cultural diversity, such as Korean New-Year's Day.
I am hoping to introduce my country's heritage to my future classmates giving them a broader perspective of the world. Connecting the Western world to my Eastern culture will help me on my way to becoming a global leader.
Though I love Korea I decided to leave to study in the United States when I was 16 years old. I had a hard time adapting to American life. I had to develop my English skills to compare with American sophomore students, and learn how to live in a culturally different society.
I want to share my experiences and personal transformations I went through. If I get admitted into the University of Washington, I would like to meet and interact with a variety of people, regardless of background. I respect all people.
I have strong academic interest in both Business Administration and Computer Engineering. I look forward to the intellectual challenges at the University of Washington and I hope I meet the criteria that your community has established.
If I have the privilege of becoming part of UW community, I will share my country's cultural diversity, such as Korean New-Year's Day. More importantly, I'll share the spirit of progressivism and inspiration that is propelling my home country forward as it establishes its place within the global economy.
That last sentence is an idea I had; do you know about the Free Trade Agreement that occurred not too long ago between SK and USA and the one that was concluded more recently with SK and the European Union? This represents a good current topic that would impress the Admissions Officer... but it is just an idea. I think it could go well with the theme for this essay.
How about changing that last sentence so that it talks about a contribution rather than a hope.
