Contributing to Global Health Affairs society by working as an active member - Upenn supplemental

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community.

Benjamin Franklin strived to establish the foundation of the University of Pennsylvania. When I first learned about him, I was not sure whether I would be a good candidate to make a great contribution Mr. Franklin had done. However, I realized that I need to take a small step at a time. First, I want to take a part in a community where my interest lies in. I am fascinated by how deeply healthcare providers are involved with care for people with critical medical conditions. In addition, I yearn for opportunities to learn about prevalent health issues across the continent. Because of these reasons, I would like to join Global Health Affairs from Penn Nursing of the University of Pennsylvania.

As I searched through the website of the University of Pennsylvania, I discovered Global Health Affairs program. This program encourages students to become more aware of global health issues and to improve poor health conditions in other parts of the world. I really like the fact that students can attend a monthly film series and invite speakers to discuss about the global health. Although I have a great interest in helping the sick, I do not have plenty of information about the global health. I believe that joining Global Health Affairs program will enrich my understanding of the sick from other parts of the world because I can observe their disease conditions, social conditions, and cultural aspects. In addition, Global Health Affairs connects students to provide a direct care for people in need of help. Through this program, students can attend annual global health council representing the University of Pennsylvania and share their concerns with other representatives of healthcare department. This program will fulfill my desire to assist others' needs more effectively by gaining understanding of their cultures and societies.

I will contribute to Global Health Affairs society by working as an active member. I will read newspapers and journals dealing with international health to constantly inform myself. I will attend a regular meeting to share my perspective of cultural and social differences in each society. Since I am from South Korea, I can provide Koreans' belief in treating diseases. Sharing different cultural belief systems affecting health systems will guide students to develop a better approach for establishing therapeutic bonds with the sick. I know that this effort will not be easy since it is difficult for everyone to concord all the time. However, I am willing to face challenges from others who may not agree with me. Instead of using ineffective arguments, I will try to understand other members and the sick. I would help other members to move out of their comfort zones and formulate plans to deliver more effective care for people depending on their needs.

I need all the help and recommendations you can give.
Thank you so much :)

I think you should do this:
Benjamin Franklin strived to establish the foundation of the University of Pennsylvania. When I first learned about him, I was not sure whether I would be a good candidate to make a great contribution Mr. Franklin had done. However, I realized that I need to take a small step at a time. First, I want to take a part in a community where my interest lies in. I am fascinated by how deeply...

I think it should start with, "I am fascinated.."
I think you should cut out the part about Franklin. Do not start with a sentence that says he strived to establish the school. The reader already knows that.

And the first paragraph should end like this:
Because of these aspirations , I would like to join Global Health Affairs from Penn Nursing of the University of Pennsylvania. (Now add a sentence that expresses the central idea of the whole essay. After giving this thesis sentence, end the first paragraph.)

:-)

Thank you so much for helping to work on this essay :)