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Cornell Supplemeent - Intellectual Interests at College of Arts and Sciece =)

timeturner36 8 / 26  
Dec 21, 2009   #1
Hi! I actually really need a lot of help with this one because it is kinda of awful and I know it is awful and I am really hoping that it would make sense. Any constructive criticism is appreciated :)

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study (less than 500 words)

I go to a school that does close its doors to students with genetic disabilities, and I have witnessed these students' unwavering courage and come to sympathize with their everyday distress for the past three years. Contrary to the stereotype, they are not unhappy individuals. In fact, most of them are quite social despite their speech impediments, and they love to share their weekends with anyone who cares enough to ask. They overcome the difficulties Down's syndrome brings with focused determination, and nothing stands in the way between these individuals and the world - except for a mere frameshift mutation in a strand of DNA or nondisjunction of a set of chromosomes during meiosis. However, they should not have to spend the extra effort so that they could have the same opportunities as those who are born "perfect" have. Having been inspired by their vitality and perseverance, I have decided to pick up the armaments of science and fight with them.

Our entire existence is essentially dictated by the arrangement for four nitrogenous bases. One mistake in this arrangement might spoil the entire protein, and this one protein can potentially devastate an entire system. Shortened life expectancy, repressed immune system, and hindered brain development all result from genetic mutations that the scientific community still does not know how to combat. I am drawn to the alluring mysteries of the genetics, and the human frailty under the manipulation of such minute events that are completely out of conscious control. The students with genetic disabilities have inspired me further to pursue biology in my future years, and I hope that one day I may make a difference in the lives of others who suffer from any genetic disease in my mutation-free existence, and I seek to take my first step into this battlefield in the College of Arts and Science at Cornell University.

As a student I am an eclectic learner who is motivated mainly by the raw and sincere passion for expanding my intellectual caliber. In my high school career, I have never had a "favorite subject," and I wish to continue this trend in the College of Arts and Science, where I will be able to merge several academic disciplines into my education. Even though I have chosen to pursue genetics and biology, the liberal arts education that the College of Arts and Science offers will equip me with not only with a concrete background in biological studies but also in the humanities to deepen my appreciation for the arts. Furthermore, only at the College of Arts and Science will I be able to conduct undergraduate research whilst engaging in stimulating classes that will challenge my intellectual capacity. I hope to become an addition to the Cornell College of Arts and Science is an intellectual community where students are not only diverse in their cultural backgrounds but are also open-minded in their academic pursuits.

(483 words/500)
lowcal 12 / 27  
Dec 21, 2009   #2
this seems like a pretty solid essay. maybe you want to shorten the introduction a bit and get right to the point. the reader will probably not reader the entire essay carefully but only for a few seconds.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 24, 2009   #3
what do you mean about a school closing its doors to students with genetic disabilities? What country do you live in?

So, at the end, I notice that I think you should add one last sentence as an example to support what you say about the way the students are; say something you observed or read about the schoo that makes you think the students are that way.

Also, I think you shoud do a paragraph break and start the last paragraph like this:

Furthermore Only at the College of Arts and... ---> and if you add a sentence of example at the end like I suggested above, it will make the last paragraph long enough, and it might be a good example that lingers in the reader's mind to let them remember your astute observation.

OP timeturner36 8 / 26  
Dec 24, 2009   #4
I actually got rid of that in general haha...it suited better for another essay and if I included that my essay would have been 700 words as opposed too less than 500 :D

Working on draft now - I will post the revised version in about 30 min hopefully?

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