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'My cousin took her life' - Macaulay Honors Essay #1 - Personal Experince


dabbh1997 1 / 3  
Nov 26, 2013   #1
Please read my essay and leave any suggestions as well as grammatical errors, punctuation errors etc. Thank You! xoxo

There's a quote that we all say; "You never know what you have, until it's gone." What do you think? Well, when you think about it, you never do truly appreciate the people you have in your life. You become so used to those people being there that you start thinking that you would never lose them. However, the real truth is you do know what you have, you just never think that you would lose it.

On July 2nd 2010 at 10:34 pm, I received news that my cousin, Cari, had taken her life. Cari was one someone I looked upon as a cousin, a sister, a best friend, and a role model. She was always in my life, so I never thought I would lose her, especially that fast. After Cari's death, I fell into major depression, and it affected my life very negatively. I fell behind in school, became very moody and hateful towards things, avoided talking to my family and worst of all, I became hateful towards myself. After a few months, I began to see a therapist to talk about what had happened, and I began to realize the harm I was causing myself, as well as why Cari took her life. Cari was very independent and outspoken. She always said that no one else could ever make your choices for you, because your choices were yours alone. I understood what that meant after she was gone. That's when I realized that what she did was not only her choice, but it was always her happiness.

What Cari taught me was to cherish and appreciate the people who are in my life. The reality is that anyone can die at any moment. No one knows when, where, or even how death may occur. Therefore, every moment that I spend with my friends and family are moments that I cherish and that I will never replace. Her death changed my thoughts about life. I started to think more about the present, less about the future, and moved on from the past. Truth is every life is precious, but why hurt ourselves over a person who made a choice to be happy? The most important thing I learned from Cari was to love and appreciate myself. Even when things don't go my way, I always remind myself of what a strong, intelligent, and confident person I have become, and that feeling is what makes me capable of opening a new chapter to new day.

I have no regrets in my life. I think that what happened to me was for a reason. I will never be able to forget Cari, but I will never forget what she has taught me either. I have learned to not only love the people around me, but love the person that I am. True, the past can hurt, but there's always something to learn from it which can only make you stronger.
suziwar 2 / 7 1  
Nov 26, 2013   #2
I liked this essay very much. I understand how you feel because I actually had a friend tell me she was going to commit suicide on her birthday during my birthday.

I think the intro is good because I wanted to continued reading and it kept me engaged the entire time. Also I like how you spoke of her character and learned from her even though she passed away. From this essay I feel that you are a much stronger and mature person from this experience, which is good. You want the reader to empathize with your feelings and I think you did that perfectly.

Honestly, I'm not very good at grammar but I found a few things.( Or perhaps it's more of a style thing)

Therefore, every moment that I spend with my friends and family are moments that I cherish and that I will never replace

Perhaps: can never be replaced.

There are some other things but I'm like I said, I'm no Grammar-Nerd so hopefully someone can point those out.

Good look! I hope you get into the Honors College. After reading this, I know you deserve it.
OP dabbh1997 1 / 3  
Nov 26, 2013   #3
Thank you so much! Your advice meant a lot to me, and I really appreciate your comments, because this was a very hard experience to write about. It's been a long journey for me, and once again, I appreciate your advice and comments.
lynsiecheri 5 / 12 4  
Nov 26, 2013   #4
Thanks for reading my essay. Now to return the favor!

I think the essay is very personal and touching, which will be great! It shows that you're not afraid to expose your true self, and that you are very self aware. I think you should work on the first paragraph a little more.

One sentence in particular: "What do you think? Well, when you think about it"
I really would suggest starting with the next paragraph, because immediately the reader is wondering what happened to you at 10:34pm...that would be the perfect attention grabber to start the essay. The things you mention in the first paragraph can be woven into that paragraph easily. You could start with:

On July 2nd 2010 at 10:34 pm, I received news that my cousin, Cari, had taken her life. A witty person once said, "You never know what you have, until it's gone," but when you think about it, you never do truly appreciate the people you have in your life. You become so used to those people being there that you start thinking that you would never lose them. However, the real truth is you do know what you have, you just never think that you would lose it. My cousin, Cari was one someone I looked upon as a cousin, a sister, a best friend, and a role model.

That's just my suggestion. Merge those two paragraphs. Other than, this is a very well written essay.
Yessay 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2013   #5
I am desperate in need to read and receive a comment feedback for my personal statement. Can anyone please help me with my personal statement, revision. Any comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.
duongnonsense 3 / 6 1  
Nov 29, 2013   #6
Apart from what others have said, I really think that it is an unique experience and you put it across very well. Good luck!
OP dabbh1997 1 / 3  
Nov 30, 2013   #7
Thank you so much! I'll take a look at your essay as well.


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