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'my dad's past experiences' - Common app essay



mohamed459 9 / 27  
Dec 23, 2011   #1
Here is my essay. Want to know if it is grammatically well-written and if it answers the question well.All feedback is welcome. Thank you in advance.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you

It was the first weekend of my sophomore year in high school. There was a nice breeze outside and the trees still had their leaves. The sun was shining brightly through my window, as I was playing a round of Street Fighter. My dad then called me out to the balcony to speak to me about something. At first I thought, "Great...Work". I went to the balcony, ready to hear what would be required of me, but instead my dad told me to sit down. After I sat down on the green plastic chair, my dad asked me if I had started thinking about my future yet.

When my dad asked me the question, I hesitated but told him that it was too early for me to start thinking about things like that. I told him that there were no problems, though, because I was doing well in school. My dad gave a chuckle and told me that life is not all good grades. He asked me, "What do you plan to do with those grades?" and "How do you plan to lead your life?". To those questions I had no answer, and that embarrassed me. My dad told me that I was slacking off and that I had to start contemplating about these things. He then started to tell me about how his life was around my age in his village in Egypt.

As a teenager, my dad studied hard because he wanted to use his education to improve his life. At the same time he was working at a part-time job in order to help out his family. All these duties rarely left him any free time to enjoy. He studied hard and in the end it paid off. My dad was able to get a full ride to Cairo University where he would study to become a physical therapist. After completing his studies, he decided to immigrate to the United States in search of better opportunity. He immigrated to the United States in 1991, where he settled and established a family that he was capable of supporting.

After my dad told me about his past experiences, I was amazed at how someone can improve their life so much through dedication and effort. Not only did my dad's effort make life easier for me, but it also created many opportunities for me and my siblings. This account of my dad's past experiences is what motivates me to do the best I can, and I am thankful for all that my dad has done for us. I promised my dad that I would start thinking about my future, and decided to start by searching for a career that interests me. I eventually decided to pursue a career in medicine, a decision that impressed my father. I even decided to volunteer at a local clinic to further my interest.

This account of my dad's past experiences taught me a lesson that I will cherish throughout my life. It taught me that through dedication and hard work one can be successful and overcome the difficulties of the world. I hope to also succeed and make something of myself by becoming the best possible doctor I can be. The road is long but through effort and dedication, I can get through this road called life successfully.

metalstriker 6 / 16  
Dec 23, 2011   #2
green plastic chair (no commas)

you didnt specify the object to which it's suppose to refer to. (me that it's not all about getting good grades.) so i suggest ...me that (life is/ success is) not all about getting good grades.
OP mohamed459 9 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #3
Thanks, I just wanted to also know if the essay is good and answers the questions well.
AnimalLover101 1 / 3  
Dec 24, 2011   #4
I would definitely agree with metal striker's inkling. I would also say to put an indentation at each new idea paragraph. My teachers would get very frusturated if we didn't!
kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #5
Hi Mohamed!

I think your essay is so vivid that I can clearly imagine your circumstances and what you were like in your fifteen. But, I cannot understand why you decided to major in medicine, and what caused you to choose such a decision. A decision about future career is a really big matter for us, teens, so I believe that we have some certain reasons to decide it; helping others, making money by myself, and so on. Also, it is unnatural that you, fifteen years old, had never thought about your future. Asking children about future plan is not rare, especially in Japan where I live. There are a lot of people in the world who start to work after graduating from junior high school. By writing "The question really surprised me." , you may even show your immature mind at the time, even if in fact you were not. I recommend you to cut this sentence.

I gave you lots of criticisms, but I liked the way you write. It is succinct, persuasive, and colorful. I want you to contemplate your thesis and question yourself again about it. Anyway, I wish you good luck! Please read my essay if you can :)
OP mohamed459 9 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #6
Haha, thanks I'll consider those thoughts. The problem is that were limited in number of words but I'll find a way to include my reason. Also i agree with u that the sentenve may make me look immature. Thanks for the feed back.
kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #7
ahh, I did not notice the limit of words... sorry!! It's a just my suggestion, so you don't have to worry about it too much if the suggestion makes your thesis unclear. Good luck for both of us!!
priscillaaa 1 / 29  
Dec 24, 2011   #8
A great essay, but focus more on you dad's impact on your life (:

I would appreciate if you could critique my essay as well..thanks (:
kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 24, 2011   #9
I find a point to revise!( though it is too tiny haha )
"It was the first weekend of sophomore year" Was it a your jinior high school day? or senior high school one? I think you need to make it clear, like "sophomore year in X junior high."
deremifri 9 / 135  
Dec 25, 2011   #10
At the end you use two times the word account, and three times life. Try to avoid these repetitions (I suggest for the second "life" "world")

Otherwise it's quite vivid and great.
deremifri 9 / 135  
Dec 26, 2011   #11
search of better opportunity. try opportunities
capable of supporting try "able to support"
how someone can improve their try his life
"I even decided", do not use even, it should be natural for you.
"and decided to start by searching for a career that interests me" that interested you, so tenses are parallel
And please forgive me if I repeat myself but try to avoid repetition
You use the verb to tell five times alone in the second paragraph.
"This account of my dad's past experiences" is used two times
through dedication and effort is used two times
I recommend to try other phrases since every repetition diminishes the appearance of your writing.
Regarding the last sentence: I do not really see how this relates to the rest of your essay,
it just sounds like you want to have something elevated at the end.
The strong part of your essay is that one clearly sees that your father's experiences are dear to you and that they motivate you.

However, and this is crucial, how do they motivate you? Why does the fact that your father showed strong dedication make you motivated
to pick a career. Is it because you realized that a person must show effort and dedication?

By the way, can you have a look at my essay?
OP mohamed459 9 / 27  
Dec 27, 2011   #12
Thanks will take that in consideration


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