Dear Diary-- Describe yourself in a letter

I really love the approach you are taking. It does make it more personal. but i think you should show and not tell. maybe include some anecdotes that show you're passion, out of the box thinking, creativity, etc. for instance, you could give an example of a project that you worked on or some events that shaped or showcase your personality. i feel that if you add some support and evidence of these traits, it will solidify it more. by the way, whats the word count for this prompt?

I think the second "I know" is too much.

Actually, i think the whole first para weakens the essay, sorry! It makes no sense to waste a para lamenting the fact that you have limited space to express the main idea. that self-contradiction weakens the essay.

Use commas:
But they wouldn't want to hear that, would they?

I suggest tweaking this so that it is not about the reader of the essay. Make it so that "they" are the people in the world that awaits you at this school:

I want to attack my academic program in a way that just breathes creativity, so they can know that my outside-of-the-box thinking might just be the type of innovation they're looking for. I want them to know how motivated and disciplined I am as a student and how honest and trustworthy I am as an individual.

Can you make it so that instead of this essay being about the writing of itself it is about mustering the creativity and gusto to achieve some specific goals while at this school? Think of 2 specific goals for the time you will have at this school.

I'm sorry I am so critical of your creative idea, writing an essay about writing an essay. I think it is necessary to write an essay about diving into college.

Yeah, I thought that was interesting, because we have to use space to complain about having limited space, so... I think that might be one of those subtle things that makes a reader take you less seriously.

But maybe not!

I understand you want it to sound like a diary, but then this is not really a diary is it? It's an essay for a school, where space is limited and you need to use that space constructively. I did like the idea of writing it as a diary, but you could make it crisper. I have pointed out where you could cut out things specifically. Not cut out the information, but the parts where you keep talking to the diary. You could put in connecting phrases the way you have done in some places -


This works and is shorter too. You can use that space that you have saved to write more about yourself.