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Dear Jack (Common Application Essay A)



thunder_two 3 / 5  
Sep 28, 2010   #1
This is a rough, rough draft but looking for some feedback. Thank you.

Andrew McMahon: Average guy, rock star, cancer survivor. Most people know Andrew McMahon as the lead singer and pianist of Jack's Mannequin, my favorite band of all time. Most people do not know he was diagnosed with Leukemia in the year 2005. Before he found out he had cancer, he named his band after Jack, his neighbor's brother who had Leukemia, ironically. McMahon began the Dear Jack Foundation to help support research for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. His battle with cancer has not affected me physically, but it has affected me mentally. He has inspired me so much, not only knowing he was strong enough to win his battle against cancer, but also through his lyrics that give me a little faith every day.

Ever since I heard the first song by Jack's Mannequin, I have been in love with his music. I never knew, though, that he did not always fit in the crowd. I did not realize that people typically would not want to listen to piano based music, which is his specialty. People assume his music is like the classic piano music from the 1800's; but it is not, it is the uniquely perfect blend of piano and alternative rock music. I think it is remarkable that he did not let that stop him from playing the kind of music he loved. If he can go out and present his own music to the world, and risk everyone disliking it, then what am I afraid of? For years, I had worried and taken into account of what people thought about me and what I did. I snapped out of that phase quickly. I deeply admire how he just loves what he does and does not let anyone stop him from doing it. I am my own person, and I should not be ashamed to let people see that. I could care less if any one judges me. I love the way I am, and that is all that matters.

Obviously, being diagnosed with cancer is not something anybody wants to hear. Knowing there was nothing he could do to take it back, he just accepted it and went on with life. Instead of just sulking and being depressed about having cancer, he was always happy and joking around. I am so shocked that he did not let this get to him, but I understand that he still wanted to live his life, no matter what. He still wrote songs while in treatment, but he had to prioritize the more important things, such as his health. He is just an average person, and so am I. It is possible that something of that nature could happen to me, I never know. I appreciate everything I have: my family, health, and home. His battle with cancer has taught me to not expect everything to last forever. I cherish every second I have on this earth and the interactions I have with others, both good and bad.

Only a select few people can actually say they are, miraculously, cancer survivors. I figure if he can be so strong as to overcome his encounter with cancer, then I can do anything I set my mind to. This is my life, and I cannot let anything else control it except for me.

After seeing Andrew McMahon and all that he has gone through, there is nothing I can expect to happen. Just as in his most inspirational song, The Resolution, "There's a lot that I don't know; there's a lot that I'm still learning." McMahon took his last dose of medication in fall of 2006. Just like him, I have to simply take my life day by day, with a smile and a bit of hope and see what happens. I have to take each day as it comes and know that each is a blessing.

donrocks 5 / 120  
Sep 29, 2010   #2
I always look forward for your essays as they are fresh and very "different".
First Para:
1) I really liked your theme. This is not conventional parent and or some famous personality thing which makes it an interesting read. Yet your beginning is not intriguing like the Katrina essay. Some memory or your thoughts on him would be a better start than his description. Not much. Just a line or son and then copy paste what you have written..

Second Para:

For years, I had worried and taken into account of what people thought about me and what I did.

Great! So true. Yes, we are swayed by others.
But the next line..."I snapped..." A little abrupt. As for me, I have still trouble in admitting my love for animals because of fear of being tagged as a sissy. So, we do things without letting others know. That would be more powerful, I think.

He is just an average person, and so am I.

Awesome line. You have connected the two things.

I am so shocked that he did not let this get to him

Shocked??? I think that would not be the word. We usually blank out you know, feel numb and "wonder"... Maybe that would be more effective.

I appreciate everything I have: my family, health, and home. His battle with cancer has taught me to not expect everything to last forever. I cherish every second I have on this earth and the interactions I have with others, both good and bad.

It has made me realize that family, health and home are things we take for granted in our life. I realized it could happen to anyone... my parents, my relatives or even me. I have realized my priorities in life need to be worked on.... so on, I think would be better.

Only a select few people can actually say they are, miraculously, cancer survivors. I figure if he can be so strong as to overcome his encounter with cancer, then I can do anything I set my mind to. This is my life, and I cannot let anything else control it except for me.
After seeing Andrew McMahon and all that he has gone through, there is nothing I can expect to happen

I think this needs more soulful lines. Something about how his story made you... more hopeful and wanting make the most of every second in your life. You can work it out...

Hope this helps... :)
PS: Are you applying Texas Austin? All your topics are same. So wanted to know.
donrocks 5 / 120  
Sep 29, 2010   #3
I am also applying there and many places. I find the third one extremely tough. ( the optional essay).
Some essay turn out easily and others take time. Just hang in there which is what my mom says to me. Well, see you in Texas. Haha. Post your second draft soon and thanks for reviewing my essay. Cheers.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Oct 2, 2010   #4
His battle with cancer has not affected me physically, but it has affected me mentally.

Thanks for sharing with us this info; I want to get more familiar with the band. This sentence above, though, seems like one you could do a little better. You can express this idea in a more powerful way, and it does not need to involve the obvious statement about it not affecting you physically.

He has inspired me so much, not only knowing he was strong enough to win his battle against cancer, but also through his lyrics that give me a little faith every day. ----This sentence has a problem, too. It is not so good to admire one who can win this battle as though they are stronger than those who die. It will be better if you change this sentence so that it tells the significance of this subject to your intention for applying to college. Make the last sentence of the first para a sentence that tells the reader the message you want her to remember. Otherwise, the essay will be about the band and cancer instead of about your college plans. It should ultimately use the story of the band to support your personal theme, your plan.

:-)


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