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Describe the world you want to live in 2030 (150 words)


presariohg 1 / 1  
Jan 15, 2016   #1
thanks for reading, please help me checking this paragraph D: i don't speak English as my mother tongue so i know it has a lot of mistakes...

Lives in 2030 might be very different from now. First and foremost, social will have big changes. There will be no homeless people, because everyone will have their own jobs. They will only have to go to work 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, and still have enough money for their families. What is more, they are breakthroughs in technology that hold no less importance. Transportation will be easier than ever, because there will be no traffic jams, no time wasted in waiting for public transportation, and no fossil fuel. Flying cars will become popular, packages will be delivered by drones, and magnetic levitation trains will travel at supersonic speed. Last but not least, people's clothing will be changed, too. We will have self-cleaning clothes so there will be no point in using washing machines. Suits will be able to change their colors, shoes can tighten themselves and so do neckties. In conclusion, that fiction future is where I think our world will become in 2030.

justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jan 15, 2016   #2
Tam, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- Lives in 2030 mightmay be very different from now.
- First and foremost( we don't use this phrase anymore, it's an old type of writing ) ,
- social aspects will have big changes.
- What'sis more,
- and magnetic levitationlevitating trains will travel at supersonic speed.
- Last but not the least,
- In conclusion, thatthis fiction of the future is where

There you have it Tam, I hope I was able to add valuable insights and remarks to your essay.
What I notice on your writing is the improvements that needs to be done on your sentence
construction, you're missing some linking verbs, some of the words are also not in the proper
form, again there is still a lot of practice to be done, practice makes perfect, Best of luck!!!
brayan1996 17 / 35 5  
Jan 15, 2016   #3
LivesLife in 2030 might be very different from now.

... for public transportation, and no fossil fuels .

Last but not least, people's clothing will be changed, tooThis is not necessary you can go directly into how people's clothing will be changed .

In conclusion, that fiction future is where I think our world will become in 2030.Try changing the tone here to one more serious and powerful. This is your last chance to captivate your reader.

Possible sentence may be;

This is the world that awaits mankind.

or

This is the world to which we are headed.
Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Jan 16, 2016   #4
Are you supposed to write about this from a realistic point of view or an idealistic point of view?

Lives in 2030 might be very different from now. It seems strange to me that you say that lives in 2030 "might be very different" and then go on to say things that will happen, like everyone will have their own jobs and transportation will be easier.

In conclusion, that fiction future is where I think our world will become in 2030.I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Are you saying that what you've described is fiction but that's what you want to see? Are you saying that this future will like what we read about in fiction books or see in movies? Might be something to think about and try to clarify.
OP presariohg 1 / 1  
Jan 17, 2016   #5
Uhm... thanks everyone. My teacher corrected it exactly what you've done. I'm going to fix those mistakes in the upcoming paragraphs D:
EF_Carol - / 145 39  
Jan 17, 2016   #6
Your paragraph is a good start. Just a couple of suggestions;

social will have big changes

the social scene will have big changes...

Your adjective needs a noun, there, I feel, and that makes it sound better, too!

they are breakthroughs...

there are breakthroughs

Using the correct word always means you get a better impression, in on the professor. I think you need to pay attention to your word choice especially with pronouns, and adjectives. I think a good grammar book would help. Your imagination is well thought out, and you bring a fresh outlook to a vision of the future. It sounds like you've thought about it a lot.

Just some attention to detail of word choices is needed to improve this paragraph, especially with adjectives, and pronouns. If you consult a grammar book and dictionary you will find them useful, and this may help correct your writing problem.

Good job!

ef_carol


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