Just a little intro that I want people's opinion on. If there are are any grammar errors or things that you think would make it better, let me know.
When I see the words "Vires, Artes, and Mores," I envision all the different aspects of my life that relate to them. And while each word provokes its own individual set of responses, Mores, to me, holds the most significance amongst them. The Latin word "Mores," a term pertaining to customs and character, remains one that represents all that I cannot live without.
When I see the words "Vires, Artes, and Mores," I envision all the different aspects of my life that relate to them. And while each word provokes its own individual set of responses, Mores, to me, holds the most significance amongst them. The Latin word "Mores," a term pertaining to customs and character, remains one that represents all that I cannot live without.
There. Much better. Your first sentence is vague as says virtually nothing. Your second is better, but bland, and your third merely repeats it. Pick an experience you have had that demonstrates Mores. Start in directly with the narrative. You will end up with a much stronger essay than you will if you continue in this vein.
You do understand that it's only an intro, right? I already have an experience to demonstrate it, however, that would appear in the body paragraph that follows.
The second sentence would basically serve to separate each term, and the third to define it, as the next paragraph doesn't even mention the word. And starting with a narrative would defeat the purpose of the next paragraph as well.
Yes, I understand that it's only an intro. In fact, my advice to people posting their essays here, especially these sort of essays, often includes the suggestion that they eliminate intros that don't say anything worth reading, and that just waste the admissions officers' time. For instance, in the paragraph that you posted, you don't need to define the term for your readers. The term is defined in the prompt, so obviously they know what it means. You aren't saying anything much beyond "I'm going to be talking about Mores," which, if you are going to be talking about it at all well, should be obvious to the reader without you having to announce it. So, get rid of this, and start in with the narrative, which pretty much has to be more interesting.
