For Amherst we're supposed to pick one quote and respond to it with a personal story, and I chose this quote:
"Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."
Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals
It's mainly the end that I need help with--it sounds kind of cliche--but if you notice other things I should change please let me know! Thanks :)
I do not like failure. The word connotes some incapability on my part to complete the task at hand. I have always excelled at school and outside activities, so my expectations are extremely high.
But even in my best activity, I stumbled on an obstacle. At the age of nine, I had already trained in martial arts for five years. Each test for a new rank was fairly simple, and I had been chosen as Student of the Year just two years before. I was at the threshold of black belt and felt confident that I would pass the test easily. However, I had not assessed my mental preparedness sufficiently-I was thrown by the philosophical questions my instructor asked me. Needless to say, the test did not end as I had expected.
Due to my young age, I was thoroughly upset by the outcome. But I was aware that quitting now would be a most unwise decision, and restarted my training. I approached the task again with renewed vigor, and after three hours of testing emerged victorious. I became part of the first generation of black belts to pass through the academy. Because I persevered through my first encounter with failure, the reward was doubly satisfying. After that experience, I knew that even when the odds are against me, I needed to face my challenges and just give my best.
im applying to and i chose the same quote! check out my bowling essay
and I had been chosen as Student of the Year just two years before.-----awkward placement, consider changing where this tidbit goes
Due to my young age, I was thoroughly upset by the outcome----wouldn't you be upset at any age?
overall too short, you can have 300 words right? use the space more efficiently and throw in sensory details. i want to know about the beads of sweat that fell ffrom your face as you threw yourself into training. i want to know about your crushed heart when you were rejected for the first time. nice essay but too floaty and not specific enough. add etails, make e care and youre on your way
I do not like failure. The word connotes some incapability on my part to complete the task at hand. I have always excelled at school and outside activities, so my expectations are extremely high. That intro is obvious and sort of meaningless. It would be better just to begin here, I think:
Even in my best activity, I
stumbled stumble on an obstacle. At the age of nine, I had
But I was aware that quitting now would be a most unwise decision, and restarted my training. ---I don't like this sentence. Quitting should never have even crossed your mind, so there should be no need to even assess the wisdom of it.
I approached the task again with renewed vigor, and after three hours of...---yes, the ending is weak. It needs a new concept to share with the reader. Dig deep and find that insight that everyone could appreciate but not everyone knows because not everyone knows this particular kind of failure that leads to greater success after some ego regulation. :-)