My Dinosaur Bone Essay for Caltech - I don't think I am expressing myself well enough (help!)

This is my supplemental essay for Caltech. Currently 180 words.

In an increasingly global and interdependent society, there is a need for diversity in thought, background, and experience in science, technology, engineering and mathematics. How do you see yourself contributing to the diversity of Caltech's community? (200 word max)

When I was 11 years old I loved making networks of sand tunnels in the playground. One day, as I connected my tunnels together, I found the most amazing artifact: a bone. But let's be real here, this couldn't have been a chicken bone from the KFC across the street, it had to be a dinosaur bone.

I was telling all of my friends how I had discovered a Velociraptor bone. The thought that it could have been a chicken bone...was just uninteresting! Practicality has its place, but as we zoom closer and closer into, say, this computer screen, practicality breaks down. My friends looked at the small, old, corroded bone and concluded it came from a chicken, but I was the one who said it was something else.

The most interesting concepts of our reality are the ones that still cannot be fully explained; I want to bring this "interest" to Caltech. Let's face it, the bone was probably just a chicken bone, but the world needs people to think outside the overused box. That's where I come in.

----------------------------------
I had some more ideas to include for this essay topic that I benched, I'll include them here:
-How far I will go to prove my point
-Maybe try to find a way to compare the bone to my life right now
-A separate idea altogether, talk about how I do my homework with at the table alongside my brother, my mom, and my dad, who all do their homework as well with me. Maybe talk about how I help them and teach them grammar because they still have trouble writing in English since they are in college classes right now. I talked about my minority background in my common app essay though so I didn't want to be redundant

-Adding in the idea that Earth is too "mainstream" for me. Not as interesting as the rest of the Universe.

Thanks and any ideas are appreciated!!

Marcelo, definitely bench the ideas that you listed. I don't really see those topics as being a part of the discussion regarding your contributions to the Caltech community. Your story about being an 11 year old kid with a vivid imagination though, keep it. It is right on the mark with regards to the prompt. It is a perfect sample of how you will bring diversity to the student community.

This thinking outside of the box aspect of your personality is something that will help you contribute to the student community of Caltech. What you have to do at this point, is edit the essay in order to show a sample of how you can do that. My suggestion is to summarize the story of eleven year old you finding the bone in the sand. It takes too much of the word count and keeps you boxed in the past. What you need to do is show how that experience can be used in your future life as a Caltech student.

Most of these essay prompts are looking for a response that shows how you plan to help enhance the existing social and academic community of the university. Maybe you can suggest a few activities along the lines of your being out of the box. An activity like a scavenger hunt sponsored by you college department that will help educate the students about something related to your major ought to work. Explain how this activity will not only result in a livelier social community, but also create a new avenue of learning and understanding for the students.

I hope my suggestions help :-)

Marcelo, as I read through your essay, I felt your interest in things that can bring a lot of interpretations to people. Well, I must say that 200 word count to be maximum is not sufficient for you to justify your worth for Caltech but hey, they will not do such word count if they think it will not be enough. So far your essay, left a lot of what if's to someone who will read and come across it.

What if he get's into Caltech, What i he doesn't, what is he will do good and a lot more questions that will draw the interest of the admissions officer.

This characteristic is what the science field needs, people who cannot get contented on things that they see in the surroundings, there should be something else and it sparks when a demand arise, this is the traits that they go for. People who are hungry to discover what could become an invaluable asset to the field and to the community as a whole.

Now, your essay is written well, a few more amp and you should be good to go, never loose the framework of your essay, it's already in a very good path.

The thrill and the questions, what can this kid do to our society and to the science field is still standing so never let it fall.