Discipline, resolution, perfection. - Common App 150 word essay

Hi, Im totally lost about how to write a good admission essay
so far I've only written a rough draft for the common app 150 word essay

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

here's what I wrote

Discipline, resolution, perfection.
"Band ten hut!"
My arms snap up, flute held perpendicular to my body. Stretched before me is a vast expanse of green. The silence of the crowd floats down as the first notes of our song waver in the air.

Then the school bus stops and I wake to reality. A thrill of excitement and nervousness washes through me. It was time to perform.
Now as a senior, I recall my experience as a wide-eyed freshman in marching band. I remember the ease with which I been accepted into the band family and the trust we had in one another to always give our best. I remember my awe at hearing Jen Cho play her piccolo solo flawlessly or watching Jared march in perfect time, his tuba held high. I'm proud of having had the chance to learn, work, and march alongside them and others. If I close my eyes, I see our teal-and-white ensemble moving in unison-and myself, a part of something larger than myself.

word count: 170

It's a bit long (20 words over the word count, is that ok?) though I could probably cut some stuff. I'm not sure if it shows enough about myself as a person though or if the essay might be too vague especially the beginning. My dad said he was confused by the initial scene changes. Basically I'm trying to show some of the feelings I got from marching band and how I enjoyed working with everyone and being a part of the band.

Is what I wrote a good enough fit for the prompt or is there anything lacking that I could change/revise and make better?

Any feedback would be much appreciated, thanks for everyones time =)

Yeah, the opening makes it sound as though you are going to be writing about a particular performance, but then you end up talking about your general enjoyment of the band. You'll probably need to add a sentence or two connecting the two parts more solidly, then work on cutting down the overall word count to less than 150. Or, you could just cut the first half completely and work on adding a new intro. The heart of your essay is this:


This is what you should definitely keep and build on. You are very detailed and descriptive here, and you take a fairly original approach, focusing not so much on the musical aspects of band as the social ones.

Oh ok thanks a lot. I'm going to try working and connecting the intro more and see what I can come up with.

Are there any grammatical errors?

Your grammar and style seem good to me. I'd focus on polishing the content so that the entire essay flows well and meets the word limit. Then post your revised draft here for more feedback.

I disagree with Sean. The opening is the strongest part of the essay. Do make the rest of the essay fit with it but do not repeat do not cut the part that will make you stand out from the crowd... perpendicular flute, silence floating down: wonderful, memorable images.

Grammar: Notice how the intro is all in present tense, which give it a sense of immediately, but then shifts to the past tense for the last line (It was time...).

Oh, I agree that imagery is well-written -- it just doesn't have anything to do with what you talk about in the second half of the essay, which is the half that explores what band meant to you. Essentially you have the beginning of one essay and the end of another. If you had more words to play with, you might be able to keep both and unite them, but with only 150 words, you are going to have to choose. And at the moment, the second half is the more meaningful section, so that's probably the one you should work with. That said, if you can work some of the images Simone likes into your new intro . . . well, they are very good images.

Thanks a lot Sean and Simone! Your advice has been really helpful =)
For this essay though I think I'm going to put it on hold for now. Since its still the summer, I've been just going from prompt to prompt writing parts of essay when I feel there's something I can write about. I'm thinking of using this essay for other prompts that have more flexible word counts so I could elaborate and expand more.

Thanks you very much for all you help =)

Well, when you come back to it closer to the deadlines, feel free to post your revised version here.

Then the school bus stops and I wake to reality

As the school bus lurches to a stop, I wake to reality.