Any help is greatly appreciated! I'm having a lot of trouble "showing" vs. "telling" and I wanted to know what you guys thought.
Prompt #3 (Common App): Some students have a background, identity, interest or talent that is so meaningful that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Legend has it that the first Koreans originated from Mount Paektu, the highest mountain on the Korean peninsula. Mountains cover a great majority of this small country, and Koreans have always considered mountains sacred. Naturally, hiking is part of the Korean national identity. For a long time, I struggled to understand what it meant for me to be Korean-American. I can't speak, read, or write Korean, but for some reason I couldn't be prouder of my heritage. I now credit this pride to my experiences in the outdoors.
My parents saw hiking at national parks as a sort of rite of passage for our newly immigrant family from South Korea. Both without family or roots in this country, they believed that exposing me to the natural world could help me realize the importance of making meaningful connections with the people and places around me. Despite whatever social, cultural, or economic shortcomings my parents might have felt they had as immigrants in America, they hoped that these experiences would connect me to something bigger. This was also a chance for them to remember their home country and share Korean culture with me. My mother would find flowers that reminded her of the ones she used as a child to dye her fingernails. My dad would fondly remember memories sharing sweet rice drinks with his family at the end of a hike as we unwrapped our sandwiches at the summit of a mountain. It was an escape from their struggles to learn English and American culture and a chance for them to see the familiar mountains that characterize the place they called home. Most importantly, it was their way of taking me back to their home country.
Last year, I spent a month with a crew of about 15 other youth doing conservation work and hiking at the same national parks I visited previously with my family. Except this time, I was the one who shared these stories. I told my peers about the flowers that could dye your fingernails and the legends of Korea's origins as we walked next to the trees and mountains where I made the very same memories with my family long ago. Subconsciously, my parents' stories became my stories. I treated the world around me differently with the knowledge and values of not just one culture, but of two. On our last night, I remember lying down on the ground and looking up at the skies unimpeded by lights and buildings. I was amazed at how many stars I could see and realized the vastness of the world around me. The same stars would shine over Korea; bridging the two countries I can proudly stem my identity from.
I am a Korean-American. My identity transcends physical barriers and is a result of the truly interconnected state of our world. I am a conscientious, compassionate, and confident person because I had the chance to discover who I am through the people I've met and the places I've been. Nature is a keeper of memories and a sustainer of culture. My connection to the natural world is a result of something bigger; it's in my blood.
Lauren, you wrote a very insightful essay that has clearly depicted a unique background for yourself. It was excellent at telling the reader about the way that your parents kept the Korean culture and experience alive in your daily lives, even though your family was thousands of miles away from home. The problem though, is that your second paragraph, although detailed in every way, concentrated solely upon what your parents did during this hike and what they shared with you. Your parents became the focus of the essay at that point and you somehow just became a storyteller. That should not have happened. No matter how many characters you have in your essay, the focal point of the story should always surround you as the principal character.
In my opinion, you can still keep the second paragraph as is, provided you add another paragraph immediately after that focuses on the same experience from your point of view. After your parents shared those stories and experiences with you, how did you come to understand the Korean culture? How did you feel as your parents shared the stories with you? You should scatter your comments about being proud to be Korean- American and how unique it has made you within that particular paragraph because it relates to the previous paragraph about your family trying to keep your heritage alive.
By adding that paragraph, you will be able to better transition into the paragraph about having gone on the hike with your friends / classmates and sharing the same information your parents handed to you with them. It gives the paragraph a more special meaning and allows you to better show and tell the reader about how the mixed heritage that you have as created the person you are today.
