distinguished academics coupled with exuberant traditional school spirit, Ohio

I need advice on my college essay. Thanx in advance :) ..(Its my first essay so i was kind of anxious and started over multiple times.)

Prompt: Why are you interested in The Ohio State University? (300 words)

Figuring out what school to attend post-secondary education is possibly the biggest gamble a student will ever make. Throughout my high school career I have maintained high grades, so my parents and guidance counselor encouraged me to consider attending an Ivy League school. Even though those schools promise world-class education, they do not present the full College Experience of a vibrant and lively community like that of The Ohio State University. As a triple threat excelling in both academics, athletics, and diversity, I believe that I could continue to blossom as an intellectual at OSU because its configuration parallels to that of my persona.

As co-captain of my school's cheerleading squad, I find immense joy in expressing school spirit and engaging in various school activities, but I still uphold my studies as my main priority. My admiration of the versatility of OSU has brought me to genuinely believe that it is my dream school. Academically, I am drawn to the university's outstanding architecture program and impressed by its ranking among the top twenty public school's in the entire nation. Also, the required prerequisite courses for the architecture program provide me with reassurance that The Ohio State University is dedicated to administering a thorough education to its students.

Aside from the academic allure of OSU, its effervescent school spirit is what seals the deal. There's something so divine about the positive atmosphere of happiness and unity at a school function or game that stimulates my soul. I declare The Ohio State University as the best of both worlds. It is an ideal environment of distinguished academics coupled with exuberant traditional school spirit that I would be honored to be a part of.

This is a convoluted sentence. I didn't understand it completely. Anyway, I think it would be good idea if you keep your sentences short. You don't want to leave the AOs guessing. (However, I must add, the AOs will be much better readers than I am ;))


This stuff is not specific. Make every sentence count.


Don't talk about obvious things. Let the AOs know that you have done some proper research on the school.


A vague phrase.

The conclusion is full of generic material.

Miranda, you must have done some research on the school -- use that research. For example, instead of saying "versatility," you should illustrate it with some example which shows the versatility of the school.

Also, talk more about your chosen discipline. So instead of talking about rankings and stuff, say why you think the architecture course at OSU is unique. How is it different from other universities?

Finally, using specific examples, demonstrate how you think OSU will provide you with the full college experience..

Hi.

You grammar aspect of your essay is good: appropriate vocabulary, nice sentence structure and variation. Reading your essay is not boring.

However, there are too many things you are trying to say. This essay is already so short, so I don't think it is a good idea to introduce other topics (Like Ivy league schools) in to it. When your reader finish reading your essay, what do you want them to know? What is the real aspect of OSU that attracts you?

Like Ershad said, you mention vaguely about the architecture course. Elaborate on that course, tell them why do you want to be a designer or something, so that they know what to do to help you achieve your ambition.

G L~

It will be nice if you talk a little about your passion for architecture. Why this instead of a different kind of profession? What articles have you read? What resources does the school provide for aspiring architects? This deserves a bit of mention because of the fact that becoming an architect is really the main reason for this whole process.

You write very well!! I like the focus on solidarity and school spirit. But... give a little more focus to your unique outlook and plan for the future.