Doctor Who; COMMON APP/ Act of folly

Hi all! This is pretty rough so any input would be greatly appreciated :) You can be harsh, I can take it.

I did make a reference to Doctor Who as I am quite a fanatic :P But I really am not sure, so your honest opinions please! Does it draw you in or does it backfire?

What verbs can I use to replace "says"?
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"Sail of the century, reduce the Earth to molten slabs and sell it piece by piece. There's a recession out there, Doctor, people are buying cheap. This rock becomes raw fuel", says the Raxacoricofallapatorian Blon. "At the cost of 5 billion lives", says the Doctor. "Bargain", Blon grins. "I give you a choice. Leave this planet, or I'll stop you", threatens the Doctor. Blon sneers in disbelief. Of course, the Doctor ultimately outwits the bug-eyed alien and reduces it to no more than a harmless egg. Each of Blon's foolish acts tops the previous and this amasses to what I call: sheer folly. First of all, she should know better. The Doctor is not to be joked around with, being a Time Lord and all. The second - her parents, whoever they are, must not have brought her up right, as she is completely willing to make money (for herself, mind you) at the expense of five billion humans! That requires an utter and complete lack of good sense. Insane even. Someone who hurts others around him (or it, you never know) solely for the purpose of personal benefit is what I consider to be THE act of folly. They step on others to get ahead but really, they are backstabbing themselves because who would want to support the person that stepped on them on the way up? I wouldn't, that's for sure. Albeit the competition gets fierce sometimes, I would never resort to hurting others (and 5 million at that, too!) in order to benefit myself. It goes against everything I believe in. Again, two words: sheer folly.

This is so cute! The only issue you might, just might run into is somebody (or two judges) who don't appreciate the wonders of BBC.

Essay-wise; your very first word is wrong. I was confused by "Sail of the century", as I thought of ships on an ocean. I think you mean sale?

A hole in your logic - you're assuming the alien HAS parents. What if they were orphans? And what if the alien is just psychopathic regardless? Well then, you're blaming the issues of the current generation on the old generation, how inconsiderate XD

Start a new paragraph each time somebody begins (or finishes) talking. That way the dialogue is not all cluttered. And you're excluding "her" in the "him or it" part. Also, make up a number and stick with it. You said 5 billion at the beginning, but that number quickly diminished to 5 million. That's quite a bit!

Haha thanks I was going for eye-capturing but I guess cute works too.

And yeah some stupid mistakes you caught there. OOPS. As I said, it's pretty rough.

Oh yeah. Do you know if these three essays are supposed to be formal or not? Because your tone here is very informal, but you carried it throughout the essay so there's no glaring oddities. Oh, another point I didn't mention beforehand;


What is it that you believe in? The readers don't know. You could believe that committing mass genocide is the only way for the Earth to be pure again.

Also, what are you doing still up at 2 in the morning? You have school in two days, and I bet you have homework to do.

... I'm sounding like a hypocrite. Annnnd now I'm off to bed. Hopefully I'll be less hypocritical this afternoon :P

Ha..ha...yeah you are right on both counts....I really should be in bed by now. Just watch, I'm totally not going to be able to get up for school in 2 days speaking of which DON'T REMIND ME.

For the tone, I think it's whatever style that represents you best. For me I chose to be informal because honestly I don't enjoy formal writing. Yours seem to be lighthearted but formal-ish.

I love this! Not really great on correcting grammar so I won't try. But your essay did a wonderful job of showing admissions a bit of who you are! Fix the above comments and you should be golden!