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"What can be done about it?; Accomplishment or event



rohan96 4 / 6  
Jan 4, 2014   #1
"Please review my essay. I am going to submit it within few day. I promise I will review back your essay. "

Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community or family.

Response:

In our family maturity is credited to 3 factors of a person. Those are independence, sensitivity to surroundings and the need to take initiative.

I have often asked myself, "What can be done about it? Those children at the red light begging for money need a direction". They need a change. They need education. I feel it's like a well-lit path to metamorphosis. But this is somewhat different to how I felt before. Actually I never was so responsible to this matter until the following happened.

One day during my summer vacations, I heard my mother and our house maid discussing about the studies of their children. I realised she too wasn't satisfied, about the academics of her children who were enrolled at one of the schools under the government's education policy for underprivileged kids. She said that the worst affected subject was computers as students barely even passed in it. My mother suggested that I knew computer subject pretty well and I could help them. The maid agreed readily.

I must confess I was in no shape to sacrifice my holidays and perhaps a tad lazy for this initially. My mother saw this as an opportunity for me to get me take up some fruitful activity. I started with some apprehension on my part.

This experience helped me realise that students failed because of 'poor quality of teaching' at the government schools. It left me feeling responsible and a bit worried about their education and their 'future'. I went ahead with the basics of the subject first. For the first half of the class we would study using a writing board. In the second half the kids would come turn by turn to practice what they just had learnt on my laptop. I took classes on weekends. After I thought that I had covered a significant amount of lessons, I held a quiz session and awarded the kids who had performed the best with candies. This made the learning process more fun helping me retail their interest intact. I ended the classes after the end of my grade 11 in order to save time to prepare for my school leaving examinations. I plan to resume the 'classes' after I graduate from my class.

I feel that I began to gain a mature mentality the day I took up responsibility to stand for a cause; the day I started working for the betterment of the society. I understood there is a big scope for improvement in the society. Although poverty still remains to be dealt with, I think I have made some contribution towards the cause. My elders tell me that 'the more you share your learning the more you learn'. It has been an enriching experience carrying a deep learning for me in many aspects. I not only acquired a set of decent teaching skills but also learnt to establish a rapport with economically weaker sections of our society. It has allowed me to get a view of how the thinking of these kids work and the way they have shaped up to look at things. It has made me much more responsible and conscious of things like poverty in my society.

500daysoftrisha 1 / 6  
Jan 4, 2014   #2
In our family maturity is credited to 3 factors of a person.

Insert a comma after family, and I would use the word 'three' as opposed to just the number to make it more formal

I have often asked myself, "What can be done about it? Those children at the red light begging for money need a direction".

Switch the position of the quotation mark and the period at the end

One day during my summer vacations , I heard my mother and our house maid discussing about the studies of their children. I realised she too wasn't satisfied,about the academics of her children who were enrolled at one of the schools under the government's education policy for underprivileged kids.

*vacation
* omit the word 'about'
* the comma after 'satisfied' isn't necessary
* use 'with the academics' instead of 'about the academics'
* insert comma after 'her children'

She said that the worst affected subject was computers as students barely even passed in it. My mother suggested that I knew computer subject pretty well and I could help them. The maid agreed readily.

Capitalize computers as it is the name of a subject, and change to 'I knew about computers'

This made the learning process more fun helping me retail their interest intact. I ended the classes after the end of my grade 11 in order to save time to prepare for my school leaving examinations . I plan to resume the 'classes' after I graduate from my class.

*Change 'helping me retail' to 'and helped me keep'
*Omit 'my' before grade 11
*Perhaps change 'school leaving examinations' to final exams?
* Change 'my class' to 'my own classes'

x x x x x

Hope this helped! Great message overall :)
jmr213 2 / 2  
Jan 4, 2014   #3
Very good essay, I enjoyed reading it. The only feedback I have is to perhaps add another sentence at the end as it does not quite feel like a closure. But good job!
OP rohan96 4 / 6  
Jan 5, 2014   #4
Thanks! I'll incorporate the corrections into my essay. However I somehow feel that the essay needs more depth and exploration of my character in terms of transition. Any help on that matter?


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