How have you spent the last two summers?
Hi, I'm applying to Princeton and with the deadline fast approaching I'd like some insight on this essay. I'm very appreciative to all that help. Thank you! I'm currently at 150 words.
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held. (Response required in about 150 words.)
Reading. Yes, that's right, I've done nothing but read for the past two summers. Summer is my escape from reality, the one time of the year where I have time for myself. Before junior year, I assisted in coordinating a children's Bible camp for the local churches in my area. My job? I would read and enact stories from the Bible for the children as they walked into my class overflowing with vigor. From there, I then formed a competition to see who retained the most knowledge. Then, last summer, aside from tutoring elementary school students and attending a week-long church camp myself, I immersed myself in manga. From the weekly chapters of ongoing Shonen to completed Seinen masterpieces such as Inio Asano's "Goodnight Punpun," I devoured every piece of writing that I laid eyes upon. Albeit not impressive, I completed 53 series ranging from short one-shots to 700-chapter behemoths.
You use a lot of short sentences, maybe try to mix up the sentence structure. I would try to emphasize on one topic either reading or your job. Your activities seem impressive and interesting but you counter yourself by saying they aren't. "From the weekly chapters of ongoing Shonen to completed Seinen masterpieces such as Inio Asano's "Goodnight Punpun," I devoured every piece of writing that I laid eyes upon. Albeit not impressive, I completed 53 series ranging from short one-shots to 700-chapter behemoths." Maybe try and combine these two ideas to make it flow better.
I definitely would scrap the "albeit not impressive" part.
There's no space for modesty.
Also I don't really know how well-known the "ongoing Shonen" and "Seinen masterpieces such as Inio Asano's..." references are in the US.
I'm Japanese and I don't know these managas. Unless these pieces are meaningful to you, or are linked to your ecs, I would say swap them for something more interesting or well-known.
Other than that, unique take.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15463 Rodney, while the reference to manga is impressive in the sense that you show how you are a voracious reader of world literature, yes, manga is part of world literature, I do not believe that you can share this interest in the response and make an impact on a reviewer who will most likely not be into the manga reading culture. Instead, I would focus on further developing your participation in the bible camp and tutoring elementary school students. Try to do those representations within 75 words each to meet the maximum word requirement of 150.
The reason why I believe you should focus on those two aspects is simple. It allows you to not only explain what you have done over the past 2 summers, but it also allows you to include a discussion of a "summer job" for all intents and purposes, as a participant in the bible camp, church camp, and tutor for elementary school students. It doesn't matter if you did these activities unpaid, it is still considered a job because you attained some sort of training during these activities. So you can hit two birds with one stone in your presentation. Those will certainly be more impressive and relatable to the reviewer as opposed to your manga references.
