I like my essay idea very much, but I am afraid that the main idea behind my experience may be a bit obscure. It may backfire if it is. Let me knwo how you feel.. Any other comments are also very much appreciated.
Topic: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging. (250 word maximum)
Title: Looking down the Second Floor
I stood on the second floor of my school by the window. School had just ended. I looked on as little figures scurried about. People-watching was one of my favorite pastimes. I watched how they moved, and interacted with one another. I liked to imagine what they were thinking, what they were feeling. Their pasts, their futures, their relationships.
There was something about being on that second floor. I felt different from all the others: a passive observer, staring down at the little objects running about. Perhaps even a bit like a deity. Below me were hundreds of little sheep, unaware of flock they were part of. A bubbly teen. A football jock. A weary teacher.
A blonde girl.
She was seated on the benches outside under the trees, seemed to be staring right at me. "What was she thinking?" I thought. We held our gaze, like weary knights trying to outstare their opponent. Could she be playing the same game as I? I decided that she was.
Suddenly, I no longer felt I was on the second floor. I was suddenly outside, staring at her face to face. The crowd swept by around us as our showdown continued. Eternity ticked away. Finally I broke off the stare and turned around.
I was back on the second floor, but felt a sudden unease of disbelonging. The halls were silent and filled with nothingness. The classrooms were dark, the teachers having already left. There was no longer a reason for me to stay upstairs.
I opened the double doors next to the window. I transcended the stairs and immersed myself in the crowd.
I don't think this falls under "intellectual vitality," but that's just my opinion. Your supplement was ambiguous; however, I believe you were talking about taking a risk in stepping out of your comfort zone and joining the social interaction amongst others. Or you could have been talking about conforming to what everyone else was doing? I'm not really sure. My suggestion to you would be to clarify your main idea somehow, but I like the direction in which this is going.
No need for the comma here:
...how they moved, and interacted with one another.
A blonde girl.--- give another phrase of description so that it is a little more meaningful.
Okay, this is great, but it lacks something. All you need to do is add a paragraph full of research evidence to support one of your main ideas from the essay. What idea do you want to reinforce with research? Whatever it is, search a database of scholarly articles for keywords associated with it, and this will turn immediately into a psychologically intriguing intellectual experience essay.
Hi Kevin, Thank you very much for your suggestions/comments. Before I revise it, I have a question: In the essay, do I come across as a bit of egotistical? If yes, how would I tone it down, any suggestions?
Where exactly do you express your intellectual vitality? the imagery is great, but maybe you should define your argument a little bit more.
