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Edit my Common Application Essay? (Transfer Student) (International)


kna2 1 / -  
Jan 7, 2016   #1
Hello, I am an international student from South Korea. I am currently enrolled in Binghamton University, SUNY and hope to transfer to Business School in Wisconsin-Madison University. Please help me to rate my essay and edit grammatical errors. Thank you!

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Question: Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

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Last fall in the middle of my second year of college, I published a game application which developed from a game studio that I founded by myself. It recorded a huge strike among game users, placed top selling in biggest South Korean application market, and introduced as a sensational game at renowned game magazine.

Founding a game studio and managing members was not an easy process, I had to convince each member to join my game development with uncertain guarantee for profit, challenged new concepts from each designer's specialized field which I never knew before, and had to manage and plan each member's work and schedule. Nevertheless, I loved every minutes of my time during game development. I met talented people in each field, worked with professional illustrators and programmers with various backgrounds, and when I could share a successful moment with them, I became fascinated with the current effort to manage and operate my own business.

Upon studying in Binghamton University during my second year, I soon realized that I have more interest toward business field rather than my current major, political science. I wanted to learn more in management. However the business school at Binghamton is mostly concentrate on accounting in its focus. After realizing Wisconsin-Madison has strong programs focused on Entrepreneurship, I absolutely impressed and realized Wisconsin would inspire me with brand new ideas.

Strongly specialized management and entrepreneur programs in Wisconsin-Madison have great appeal to me. By attending Wisconsin, I wish to broaden and deepen my skills in management, participate in entrepreneur studies, joining entrepreneur association and eventually go on to graduate school in management.

My reasons for transferring are career oriented. I could make good friends at Binghamton and I have studied with wonderful professors. However, I hope to study new skills in management at Wisconsin and apply those abilities into management for my studio. And by joining Wisconsin's entrepreneurial living and learning community, I will broaden my sight and personal connections.

My freshman transcript shows academic challenges. My father supports funding for my study in States and he owns a business. However, his company suffered a business fraud and my family had suffered financial problem therefore I had to do work-study and could not concentrate on academics. Fortunately, financial problem resolved after freshman year, and I can focus on study and have done well during my sophomore year. I will strive to pursue and challenge myself in academics at Wisconsin-Madison. Your program in management perfectly matches my academic interest and professional goals.

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Question: Do you have any family responsibilities or circumstances such as a severe illness that have negatively affected your academic performance? Please describe the situation and how it has impacted you. Please explain the family circumstances and your contributions to the well-being of your family.

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My father supports funding for my study in States and he owns a business. Though, his company suffered a business fraud when I was a freshman and my family had suffered financial problem. Therefore it was considered to have work-study for myself and could not concentrate on academics during my first year. Fortunately, financial problem resolved after freshman year and he could have stronger financial ground. And I could focus on my study and have done well during my sophomore year. I know I would grow at Wisconsin-Madison, and will challenge myself in academics at Wisconsin-Madison.

pertiwi02 11 / 8 4  
Jan 7, 2016   #2
Hello kna2 :)

Founding a game studio and managing members wasWERE not an easy process, I had to convince each member to join my game development with uncertain guarantee for profit, challenged new concepts from each designer's specialized field which I never knew before, and had to manage and plan each member's work and schedule.

Nevertheless, I loved every minutes of my time during game development.
EVERY and EACH always followed by singular noun

I will strive to pursue and challenge myself in THE academics at Wisconsin-Madison.

enjoy your writing :)


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