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With no electricity, I had been sentenced to forced idleness; Common App/ PS



hashmnahz94 2 / 4  
Dec 19, 2012   #1
I am an international student seeking at least 80% financial aid. I am applying to mostly liberal arts colleges ranking between 20 and 40 in the US news ranking. Do you suppose this is good enough to get me what I need, keeping aside the supplement essays and SAT scores and school recommendations for the moment?

No heading yet!

The candlelight disappeared in the wake of a strong forthcoming gust. The entire area was under the shadow of dense dark clouds. The faint dimness that presided over cast a gloom, it was as if I was a demoralized soldier. Technology has brought us to the standpoint where our daily activities depend on the performances of the gadgets and machines. With no electricity, I had been sentenced to forced idleness.

To sustain the moments ahead without the presence of the almighty charged particles, I decided to go back in time, indulge in a cup of warm tea and a gothic painting-like view from my balcony. No matter how depressing it all seemed, I tried to read between the lines, look at the specs of optimism amid the vast illusion of melancholy cast before me. The widespread feeling of grief could only be altered if I change my very own perspective of things.

What appeared before my eyes were muddy streets, some elderly men toiling to pull a cartload of sacks from a ditch and a few scantily dressed children kicking about an aerated back in the name of soccer. But what I observed was that between the two rows of bricks and stones, there was perched a valley of happiness.

There was no muddy street, but just a stretch of asphalt regaining its beautiful black shine under a downpour of water from the havens. The elderly men were no longer toiling; they had just found a reason to take some time off work, share a light moment at a nearby tea stall. The children were deeply immersed in the game of their lives, with priceless smiles pasted on the faces of every one of them, and none could bear to not smile back at the sight.

I did not step into a time machine, but only lived in the aesthetic world for a brief moment. We have been fooled into desiring a fast-paced life, one where we tend to forget about our own well-being. A brief moment appreciating the nature really gave me a reality check. As the moments passed, I learnt of the tragic story of nature, for it has so been taken for granted. I realized how the lives of the people around us carry stories and lessons, stories that the most exquisitely crafted films cannot depict, lessons that the most eloquent books cannot teach. It is our surroundings that we can learn most from.

The world survives on happiness. Despite all the eye-catching sensational happenings around the world, happiness can be found in the midst of the smallest of things. In a cursory look from my balcony, I found a handful of evidence. Perhaps a more attentive and inquiring mind would have witnessed a million more.

In the meantime, the lamp in my room sparked on. But to me, the dark cloud appeared brighter. The chair in front of my computer would remain unoccupied for some time longer. They all seemed so archaic on the backdrop of the picturesque view right in front of me.

katev 18 / 111  
Dec 22, 2012   #2
has brought us to the standpoint

I think you just mean "has brought us to the point"

I decided to go back in time, indulge in a cup

I decided to go back in time by indulging in a cup..."

I tried to read between the lines

Not quite the proper use of the phrase. I wouldn't suggest replacing it with the correct phrase, as it could come off too clichĂŠd.

I'm also not sure that you could call what you describe "taking a time machine." What you are describing is what is called viewing the world with rose-colored glasses. You chose to look at things optimistically. If you were to go back time, you would certainly face the same melancholy. Although you wouldn't have technology, things wouldn't suddenly be bright and cheery.

[quote=hashmnahz94]They all seemed so archaic/quote]
What is "they" referring to here? What seemed so archaic?

Good topic! Try not to sound like you're just using a thesaurus. You can get too synonym-y at times. Also, make sure that you establish and continue your metaphor throughout. If you want to go with the time machine thing, make that known. If you want to talk about how it's picturesque, go with that
OP hashmnahz94 2 / 4  
Dec 22, 2012   #3
Yes Katev, thank you I get the point. I must admit that at times I did overuse the thesaurus.

What I tied to underline is the fact that today, we derive pleasure from technology, gadgets and machines, if you know what i mean. My point was to prove that there are alternatives. Yes, optimism was the focal point of this essay.

By "they" i meant my computer. But now when I read it, i realize that it actually does not make much sense.

Thanks for your critique. Hopefully, will come up with better work in the future.


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