"Engineering for Energy"-Columbia Engineering Supplement

Here's my response to the engineering supplement for Columbia. The prompt asks why I'm interested in engineering and how the Fu Foundation would help me pursue my engineering aspirations. Any level of feedback is welcome, though harsh feedback is great! Thanks!

Plasma cells. Fuel rods. Convection chambers akin to massive lava lamps. As a volunteer at the Liberty Science Center, I would marvel at the Energy Quest exhibit and try to grasp the engineering behind tidal energy technology, solar panels, and hydroelectric dams. My interest in engineering was kindled by the heated debate over the energy crisis and the need for renewable energy.

Visiting India the following year, I noticed that energy for even the most basic needs was scarce. If someone sought fuel to cook a meal, environmental friendliness would be of no concern. My interest in affordable green technology led me to build my first contraption: a solar-powered water heater. I remember sitting with my contraption on my apartment balcony at 4am in the winter night, literally watching its paint dry.

Looking forward as a prospective engineer, I aspire to pioneer an era of affordable and accessible alternative energy. Studying under Professors Billinge and Osgood-fuel cell experts-would help me develop commercially-viable energy solutions. The Earth Institute's endeavors in energy, coupled with Columbia's global initiative, would propel my experiments to a world-wide scale.

Engineers also have the privilege to witness the fruit of their labor. I can imagine a wind-farm juxtaposed with expansive rice fields. Many would see it as an eyesore, a clash of modern technology and traditional rusticity. But to me, it would be an elegant testament to the success of modern engineering.

hmm, i have no harsh criticism to offer; the essay is good, very good. You touched on all topics i would have, good job :)

Thanks! I think there's a good amount of work to be done on it though lol. :S Doesn't seem too cohesive to me...

Here's a revised version. Thanks again for anybody's help. If you leave me a thorough critique, I'll be glad to do the same for you.

ok, isn't there a limit for this supplement? I'm worried that it may be too long to fit.

Yeah the one I have is 100 characters above the limit. I'm hoping that some edits telling me to cut some parts out would help with that :D

ok i'm trying to find a way to make the organization a bit more cohesive, but i'm not too sure as of now. I actually prefer some of your first essay, but it really is too long for Columbia...

What did you like more about the first essay? I tried to make the paragraphs a bit distinct.

Thanks a lot for your help!

I need to fix that italicized sentence up. How's the rest of it, though? I'll get to your Princeton essay ASAP :)

Visiting India the following yea rYou never mentioned when you had the debate, so just say "On a trip to India" or "Once, when I was in India", I noticed that energy for even the most basic needs was scarce. If someone sought fuel to cook a meal, environmental friendliness would be of no concern.You brought in two separate ideas. the sentence before this mentions basic needs. This sentence mentions green technology. Make sure they coincide.My interest in affordable green technology led me to build my first contraption: a solar-powered water heater. I remember sitting with my contraption on my apartment balconyin India? at 4am in the winter night, literally watching its paint dry.

Looking forward as a prospective engineer, I aspire to pioneer an era of affordable and accessible alternative energy. technically... that era is here. So maybe change this line around? Studying under Professors Billinge and Osgood-fuel cell experts-would help me develop commercially-viable energy solutions. This advice is up to you, but I have heard that it is bad to mention professors directly if they are part of the same school. I'll go into detail below on why.The Earth Institute's endeavors in energy, coupled with Columbia's global initiative, would propel my experiments to a world-wide scale.Great. Now what's your plan? What do you want to do in this world wide scale? Just "pioneer" an era of green technology?

Engineers also have the privilege to witness the fruit of their labor. I can imagine a wind-farm juxtaposed with expansive rice fields. Many would see it as an eyesore, a clash of modern technology and traditional rusticity. But to me, it would be an elegant testament to the success of modern engineering.

I suggest merging the last two paragraphs. I can see now, wind farms juxtaposed with [...] modern engineering. The intro though "engineers also have the [...] labor" is weak and can be removed.

So the reason for not mentioning prof. is because in the odd case that someone on the comittee doesn't like that professor he gets a bias against you, or what happens if one of those professors retires/switches schools? Then do you not what to attend the school?

I mean these are rare occasions, but none-the-less I would take them into consideration.

Please glance over my essay too.
Cheers, all the best.

Should I change the first part of the second paragraph to something like "Until alternative energy is affordable and accessible to everyone around the world, the solution to the energy crisis hasn't been found."?

come on..
I can help with your essays, too.

This sentence doesn't make sense. The would doesn't go with anything

better, i still dislike the "I wanted to pioneer"

it sounds like you don't want it anymore.

Hey. Thanks for your input.
Isn't the "would" going with the Energy Institute's work and the global initiative? Studying as an engineer in an environment shaped by the two is what can set me on the path to engineering fuel cells for world-wide use.

And about the pioneering, I was thinking of elaborating on how alternative energy, though it exists, is expensive, incompetent in the fuel market, and unavailable to people in non-first-world countries. I want to change that by researching fuel cells, which can be affordable, used anywhere, and simple to integrate into an energy grid.

I'll revise that part. Thanks again! I want to submit this today...

I'm aspiring to be an environmental engineer and I love how you connected all the technology together. Now I'm not sure about this but I'm always a little iffy on giving professors name and going into that much detail cause it pretty much just shows u can look up some info on their website. If u need to cut down on words I'd suggest removing that. great job.

good writing!

Thanks!

Is there a better way to transition into the third paragraph? I'm getting mixed responses about that...

hello again! the only thing that bothers me is the tense in the last paragraph. for example, "Studying under Professors Billinge and Osgood-fuel cell experts-wouldwill help me develop commercially-viable energy solutions." and the same for all the rest.