'the ethics of CC are instilled in me' - Colorado College Supplement

ktrefz93 1 / -

Nov 13, 2011 #1

How did you learn about Colorado College and why do you wish to attend? (Early candidates: Please include a statement indicating why you are applying early.)

With an alumnus of Colorado College as a father, the ethics of CC are instilled in me. I have grown to know CC as a place for high-quality education, fun, and a strong foundation for a bright future. For these reasons, I am attracted to Colorado College. But more importantly, I believe CC would be a perfect fit for me because it was a perfect fit for my father and so I have decided to apply. While my dad and I are not identical in every way, we share many common interests and characteristics. I look to my dad's life and the choices he's made as somewhat of a blueprint for my life because I admire his success and the way he carries himself. He attributes his success to his college education and I hope to be able to do the same. Based on what he has shared with me about his experience at CC, I look forward to making life-long friends and developing skills I can carry with me the rest of my life. Overall, I wish to attend Colorado College because I believe I will enjoy myself and be presented with opportunities that will assist me in achieving the success I want.

I am applying Early Action so I can receive a possible decision from Colorado College earlier and I don't have to withstand waiting as long.

12GabrielC - / 8

Nov 13, 2011 #2

What do you want feedback on?

Things I noticed reading it only twice:
Lots of passive voice, which makes your writing less interesting (i.e. overuse of "am", "is", "are", "was", "were", "be", "being", "been", etc.).

the ethics of CC are instilled in me.

It would probably be best if you didn't abbreviate the name of the college you're applying to. Also, this phrase seems awkward and could probably be reworded better.

But more importantly, I believe CC would be a perfect fit for me because it was a perfect fit for my father and so I have decided to apply.

This might not be the best reason in the eyes of a college. Maybe you should explain in which ways your father and the school were a good fit first, and then how you and your father are similar after, and include this sentence at the end. Make sure that you identify the school as part of the reason why your father is someone you admire. It would also be better if didn't start the sentence with "but" as it is a conjunction. The sentence is better without this first word.