Hi. I just stumbled upon this site and registered like 5 minutes ago. I figured I'd give it a shot. Here's what I have so far for my common app. essay. The topic is:
Common App. Topic 1~ Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you
Can you guys help me out with editing?
One general problem about this essay i already know is that it doesn't reveal enough about me as a person. I'd appreciate advice on fixing that, too.
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The devastating earthquakes that hit Sichuan, China this year caught the world off guard. One could only imagine the trauma inflicted upon those in China at the time. That is, one could only imagine it if they were not there. I don't need to imagine. I can remember the phone calls from concerned parents and teachers. I can remember hearing my Chinese family crying over phone.
When I found out I was chosen to represent my school and country in the Brookline High School China Exchange, I was ecstatic. It had been my dream to be accepted to the four month exchange since the 6th grade, when the first group to go came to my class with pictures and stories. The group went during the SARS scare, and had to return from their trip early because of concerned parents and supervisors; however the close friendship they shared and the undeniable sense of adventure of it all drew me in.
Three months into the trip, the GaoXin #1 High School gave us a week off to go see more of China. Our group, which consisted of eight students and a teacher, narrowed our vacation choices to a Sichuan trip consisting of cave excavations versus a trip to Guilin to see mountains and visit rural villages. By some divine luck, Sichuan was outvoted and the group began to plan our Guilin trip.
May 12, 2008- it was a sunny day, and we were drifting down a lucid river surrounded by beautiful mountains that none of us had seen the likes of outside movie theaters. Nothing could have prepared us for the phone calls we would soon be getting. Being on a boat we hadn't felt the magnitude 8 earthquake that hit Sichuan earlier in the day. The first call was from my parents, who were able to figure out which hotel we were in (as well as call an Israeli Search and Rescue team) before others had the chance. When Mr. Mallory, the teacher chaperoning the trip, made clear he didn't know what they were talking about, they tried to calm down and explain what had happened. We were all shocked. One of the students found an online news report about the earthquake, and we took turns calling our host families to make sure everything was okay. In the midst of the confusion, I can still remember Chen Lao Shi, my Chinese teacher, calling me- crying. She couldn't find her parents, nor could she get a hold of her two dearest friends. Not knowing who to call, she turned to me for comfort.
Our exchange trip would be coming to an end soon, however the end was full of rushed goodbyes and worrying about aftershocks. It was in the two days between our return from Guilin and the end of our trip that I bonded with my Chinese friends and family most. There was constant fear for our lives as thousands of people camped in outdoor parks, while firetrucks and ambulances were kept idle on the streets, ready to be called to duty. It was during these last few moments that my family and I found time to sit on a rug and chat. We talked about each other, ourselves, the future, and how much we would miss each other. This was the only time that my Chinese family and I ever talked so freely and comfortably.
For the last moments they gave me, and because of the different outlook on life I experienced due to them, I appreciate the series of earthquakes of May 2008. My Chinese teacher found her friends and family. The aftershocks became weaker and less frequent, and everyone that had helped each other through this life changing event had developed a relationship that was undeniably one of the strongest kinds of connections we would have in our lifetimes.
The End.
I appreciate the feedback
Common App. Topic 1~ Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you
Can you guys help me out with editing?
One general problem about this essay i already know is that it doesn't reveal enough about me as a person. I'd appreciate advice on fixing that, too.
************************************************************ ********
The devastating earthquakes that hit Sichuan, China this year caught the world off guard. One could only imagine the trauma inflicted upon those in China at the time. That is, one could only imagine it if they were not there. I don't need to imagine. I can remember the phone calls from concerned parents and teachers. I can remember hearing my Chinese family crying over phone.
When I found out I was chosen to represent my school and country in the Brookline High School China Exchange, I was ecstatic. It had been my dream to be accepted to the four month exchange since the 6th grade, when the first group to go came to my class with pictures and stories. The group went during the SARS scare, and had to return from their trip early because of concerned parents and supervisors; however the close friendship they shared and the undeniable sense of adventure of it all drew me in.
Three months into the trip, the GaoXin #1 High School gave us a week off to go see more of China. Our group, which consisted of eight students and a teacher, narrowed our vacation choices to a Sichuan trip consisting of cave excavations versus a trip to Guilin to see mountains and visit rural villages. By some divine luck, Sichuan was outvoted and the group began to plan our Guilin trip.
May 12, 2008- it was a sunny day, and we were drifting down a lucid river surrounded by beautiful mountains that none of us had seen the likes of outside movie theaters. Nothing could have prepared us for the phone calls we would soon be getting. Being on a boat we hadn't felt the magnitude 8 earthquake that hit Sichuan earlier in the day. The first call was from my parents, who were able to figure out which hotel we were in (as well as call an Israeli Search and Rescue team) before others had the chance. When Mr. Mallory, the teacher chaperoning the trip, made clear he didn't know what they were talking about, they tried to calm down and explain what had happened. We were all shocked. One of the students found an online news report about the earthquake, and we took turns calling our host families to make sure everything was okay. In the midst of the confusion, I can still remember Chen Lao Shi, my Chinese teacher, calling me- crying. She couldn't find her parents, nor could she get a hold of her two dearest friends. Not knowing who to call, she turned to me for comfort.
Our exchange trip would be coming to an end soon, however the end was full of rushed goodbyes and worrying about aftershocks. It was in the two days between our return from Guilin and the end of our trip that I bonded with my Chinese friends and family most. There was constant fear for our lives as thousands of people camped in outdoor parks, while firetrucks and ambulances were kept idle on the streets, ready to be called to duty. It was during these last few moments that my family and I found time to sit on a rug and chat. We talked about each other, ourselves, the future, and how much we would miss each other. This was the only time that my Chinese family and I ever talked so freely and comfortably.
For the last moments they gave me, and because of the different outlook on life I experienced due to them, I appreciate the series of earthquakes of May 2008. My Chinese teacher found her friends and family. The aftershocks became weaker and less frequent, and everyone that had helped each other through this life changing event had developed a relationship that was undeniably one of the strongest kinds of connections we would have in our lifetimes.
The End.
I appreciate the feedback
