Hi, I came recently to the U.S to live (6 months ago) and is really hard be in your last year of high school and being struggling with college, the language, the weather and other things.
Well, I need help with my essay, please. I'm horrible writing but I really wanna get into this college, and my essay need to be done.
I know is not well organized and doesn't have a conclusion, but please give me advices, what I did good, what I did wrong. It is a good essay? please be honest and specific on what I need to fix. Thank you!!!
How can I connect the paragraph 3 with the rest of the essay?
My devotion to technology
Everything started that day, when my dad came home with a computer that he had purchased for my eldest brother. Once my brother opened it was love of first sight, I knew it because I immediately felt a huge curiosity for what I was looking. That computer left me fascinated about all those things it could do at the same time, it was like having your own world where you could do whatever you wanted, where you have the control over all. From that specific moment, computer technology have always caught my interest. I wanted, and I still want to know everything about it; how works, how it's built; every specific step in the process of make one.
The computers world is my passion, where I feel comfortable, Is like a box full of surprises for me because it always come out with something new and interesting; they are always in constant evolution. For me is admirable how this new technology that came out just a couple years ago have made our life so easy and have allow us discover things we never thought we were going to be able to know.
I still remember that day when I was 8 years old, my mom had a small TV, which was super expensive at that time, and every moment I was watching it I had the same question going around in my head; How do those people get inside of the tv? I know it's a silly question, but for some reason I never asked anybody because I wanted to figure it out by myself. So one day I took advantage that my mom was not at home, and I decide to open the tv to see what was the secret inside. I took a rock and I broke the tv. Then, what I found wasn't really what I was expecting, but it didn't let me down, Those colorful cables were beautiful and perfect; I was very impressed. When my mom got home she was really mad. She punished me for the whole week but it was worth it because it was a huge step in deciding my future.
My passion for technology grew more as time passed. I remember I used to sit behind my brother, waiting for him to leave the computer so I would be able to use it, because one day without using it was like a lost day for me. In a way, my brother started my passion for computers, I grew up watching him enjoying in front of one. He taught me new things about them like how to connect them and a little bit about how to repair them. We used to spend hours talking about the new models of computers that had come out, and others innovations in technology including new cell phones and new video consoles.
My brother was not my only influence, my whole family had was big part of it. They liked call me ''The cybernetic'' which is funny because ''Cybernetic'' is a science and not an adjective, but they say it because any problem they would have with something related to technology, the first choice in their mind to fix it, was me. They thought I was a genius dealing with technology, but I really was better than them researching google. My way to answer them the phone was: ''Hey, what its broken now? but it did not bother me because I enjoyed fixing their computers and other electronic devices, and also I felt I was useful to my family which made me happy.
Well, I need help with my essay, please. I'm horrible writing but I really wanna get into this college, and my essay need to be done.
I know is not well organized and doesn't have a conclusion, but please give me advices, what I did good, what I did wrong. It is a good essay? please be honest and specific on what I need to fix. Thank you!!!
How can I connect the paragraph 3 with the rest of the essay?
My devotion to technology
Everything started that day, when my dad came home with a computer that he had purchased for my eldest brother. Once my brother opened it was love of first sight, I knew it because I immediately felt a huge curiosity for what I was looking. That computer left me fascinated about all those things it could do at the same time, it was like having your own world where you could do whatever you wanted, where you have the control over all. From that specific moment, computer technology have always caught my interest. I wanted, and I still want to know everything about it; how works, how it's built; every specific step in the process of make one.
The computers world is my passion, where I feel comfortable, Is like a box full of surprises for me because it always come out with something new and interesting; they are always in constant evolution. For me is admirable how this new technology that came out just a couple years ago have made our life so easy and have allow us discover things we never thought we were going to be able to know.
I still remember that day when I was 8 years old, my mom had a small TV, which was super expensive at that time, and every moment I was watching it I had the same question going around in my head; How do those people get inside of the tv? I know it's a silly question, but for some reason I never asked anybody because I wanted to figure it out by myself. So one day I took advantage that my mom was not at home, and I decide to open the tv to see what was the secret inside. I took a rock and I broke the tv. Then, what I found wasn't really what I was expecting, but it didn't let me down, Those colorful cables were beautiful and perfect; I was very impressed. When my mom got home she was really mad. She punished me for the whole week but it was worth it because it was a huge step in deciding my future.
My passion for technology grew more as time passed. I remember I used to sit behind my brother, waiting for him to leave the computer so I would be able to use it, because one day without using it was like a lost day for me. In a way, my brother started my passion for computers, I grew up watching him enjoying in front of one. He taught me new things about them like how to connect them and a little bit about how to repair them. We used to spend hours talking about the new models of computers that had come out, and others innovations in technology including new cell phones and new video consoles.
My brother was not my only influence, my whole family had was big part of it. They liked call me ''The cybernetic'' which is funny because ''Cybernetic'' is a science and not an adjective, but they say it because any problem they would have with something related to technology, the first choice in their mind to fix it, was me. They thought I was a genius dealing with technology, but I really was better than them researching google. My way to answer them the phone was: ''Hey, what its broken now? but it did not bother me because I enjoyed fixing their computers and other electronic devices, and also I felt I was useful to my family which made me happy.
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