The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award.

"Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it" 600 words

The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award.
The DofE award was something I had often heard about from other people but had never looked into myself. When starting Sixth Form I was determined to apply myself in more ways than just academic, everyone goes that route. I wanted to do something which would really help me experience more things other than daily college activities. The DofE Gold award was the perfect answer to me, I would not just be exploring one activity, I would be discovering four different activities for the first time.

The three activities which I felt meant the most to me were Boxing, playing the lute and volunteering at my shop. I had little to none experience with them but I was determined to try something new.

Although thousands of people do the DofE award around the globe, It meant a huge amount to me, I have always been an inquisitive person, more interested in learning about the world around me than anything else but until now I had mostly done this through lessons, conversations with field experts or endless online research. Now I would be doing more than just learning about a thing, I would be doing that thing.

Boxing was utterly different to what I would normally do as a sport, I have always been a track athlete, I preferred challenging myself to do the best rather than challenging another. Boxing meant that I would have to throw away this rather solitary approach to exercise and instead engage in an activity where it was literally about beating the other person! When starting, I was slightly worried about what I would experience, would my lack of skill mean I would be relegated to the back seat for sessions? Or would I be unable to keep up with the other members?These fears turned out to be utterly pointless, the instructors made sure I was fighting with the best of them and although the sessions were incredibly exhausting I was able to keep up. At the end of the 6-month period, I found that not only had I achieved my goal I had also enjoyed it massively. Even though it was an activity which was the polar opposite to my character I was able to gain a huge amount of enjoyment out of the activity.

Learning the lute was the activity I was most excited for, not only would I be learning to play an instrument (something I had wanted to do for a while), I would be playing one which half of the people I told had never heard of. Playing the lute is an activity I am still doing and hopefully will continue throughout my life, although the music I play is completely different than the music I enjoy listening the playing of such a fun instrument is a reward in its own right.

The volunteering in my local shop was probably the best character-enhancing activity I did, having to get up early on a Saturday and work for free in my community meant that I understood that the main point of it was not to complete a section of my award but to actually help the people in my community. it really helped me to look beyond the award itself and see what it actually stands for.

The DofE award really helped to shape my character, I had always been nervous about trying new things even though I am fascinated by the world around me, it changed me as person as I realised that being confident was actually a fundamental part of me.

Jon, as I read your essay, I was trying to find some kind of clue as to what the Duke of Edinburgh award was all about and why it was bestowed upon certain students. While I can understand that people from your part of the world are more or less familiar with the award, you should not assume that the reviewer at the University of Washington will be as familiar with it as you are. After you mention that this award is important to you, try to insert an explanation as to what the DofE award is all about and in the process, help the reviewer understand why you would pursue this award. What is the end result for a recipient of the recognition?

Overall, the reasons why you chose the activities that you did and how it helped to shape the person you have become are understandable in the essay. However, you may need to cut back on some of your explanation in order to leave room to shed light upon the criteria or importance of the DofE award. If the reviewer does not know what the award is about, he won't really consider its influence upon your development of significant interest.

I feel that you lack a clear description of how you evolved as a person through your participation in these activities. It seems that all you did was describe the activity and what you did in it, to the point where you enjoyed participating in it. However, how it helped you become a better person is not really well presented. Keep in mind that each activity that you participated in must significantly represent an improved facet of your personality or character trait. That is the main requirement of the essay and should be easily read, rather than deciphered by the reviewer.

I was told by admissions tutors that the DofE award is well known however I do agree that this is a bit too descriptive.
Thanks very much for the critical feedback!

Hi Jon, I did a little bit of research of the Duke of Edinburgh Award, and it says it's an award given
to young adults that has completed a series of self-improvement
exercises following Kurt Hahn's solution to the "Six Declines of Modern Youth."
Impressive and honorable award presented by Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh,
and for you to root for this award, you have a tough challenge ahead
to compete with students from over 140 countries, you can do it!

Now, going back to your essay and seeing the challenge that you have in your hands now,
I don't feel that your essay is strong enough for this award, I suggest that you do one important thing,
research,research, research...I googled this award giving boy and it thought me a lot about it and
it will do the same to you too, this will help you see what the award is all about and what you need
to include in your essay to stand out.

I did a little more reading on DofE and it's not only prestigious but honorably critical.
So research first before revising the essay.

Updated draft - Is this cut down enough?
...

Jon, while the award you received is globally known, you don't really manage to reflect a character building experience from your participation in it. It sounds more like you spent most of the time relaxing and just doing interesting things, but not really developing an important aspect of your personality or character traits. The essay prompt would rather that you present an activity that you participated in that proved to give you a learning experience.

Consider that you are being asked to describe your character in this essay. How did you become the person you are today? Look into your other activities and life experiences that directly relate to your true interests or sense of community service, and charity . Not the ones that you do for prestige. Rather, look for the activity that told you "I am a better person because I did this." Such activities normally relate to community service or socio-civic participation. Have you got any experience along those lines?

The DofE essay that you wrote is weak and barely responds to the prompt. The only actual response that i could find was at the very end of your essay. That is not how this essay should be structured. The influence of the experience in shaping your character or an activity that demonstrates your character should be consistently presented throughout the essay.

HI Jon, thank you for updating the prompt and making sure that you respond to suggestions, however,
ask yourself, do you think this essay will beat over thousands of students from 140 different countries that are
rooting for DofE? I tell you my opinion, no, it will not.

As you can see and I'm assuming that you did a little digging and googling, the essay that you drafted for the
second time is the same weak essay that you had originally.

I suggest that you dig deeper, reflect on the activities that you had, extra ordinary stints that
you participated that embodies the goals and nature of the award.

I hope to see your essay, don't rush it, take time to write and dig deeper, there's still a lot more
to share than just a usual volunteering and sports.

Hmmm okay. The approach I was trying to go for was that doing these new and different activities I was inspired to step further out into the world. As a fundamental part of my character is my constant interest in the world, the DofE award encouraged me to go further while applying values such as community service through volunteering. I considered emphasizing the community service part of the essay but what I got most out of the award was the confidence to "take the extra step".

I'll rewrite it again taking into account your advice as I definitely have lots to write which I could have entered.
Thanks very much again for the assistance

@justivy03
This essay is for applying to the University of Washington, not for the DofE! Apologies for not making that clear

Hi Jon, I didn't mean to drive your essay somewhere else, I understand
that it's an essay for an application to UW, however, talking about DofE
made your essay go and take a different path.

Well, I will leave you now to figure out how to enhance your essay and make it strong
to stand the panel of admissions at UW.

I hope you will post your essay here on EF so we can assist you further.
Remember, the feedbacks and suggestions you receive can be very valuable
but at the end of the day, you decide how your essay will flow and
how you present it, after all, your writing piece is a reflection of you and the thoughts you have in your head.

I tried rewriting it completely and am a lot happier with the result. Is this the direction I should be taking?

The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award.
The DofE award was something I had often heard about from other people but had never looked into myself. When starting Sixth Form I was determined to apply myself in more ways than just academic, everyone goes that route. I wanted to do something which would really help me experience more things other than daily college activities. The DofE Gold award was the perfect answer to me, I would not just be exploring one activity, I would be discovering four different activities for the first time. Along the way I would do community service and work with new people which would build my character in a way which would benefit others, not just myself

The three activities which I feel had the biggest impact on my character were boxing, volunteering at my local shop and a residential in the Scottish Highlands. Boxing built on my natural inquisitive nature and encouraged me to be more bold in making decisions to do things. Volunteering was a fantastic opportunity, it made me think more about what I could do for people not for myself and the residential was a demonstration of my ability to keep going even under miserable circumstances

Boxing was utterly different to what I would normally do, I have always gone on solitary bike rides or runs for exercise, I had never done anything that different. Taking the step to start boxing was huge for me, the equivalent to going on stage for the first time in front of a huge crowd. When i first stepped into the gym and saw people leaping forward to hit each other I immediately thought "this is going to be the worst six months of my life". But I quickly disregarded this and decided that I would simply have to throw myself into it and do the best I could. This decision to go straight in was not only the correct decision to make, but also demonstrated how trying my hardest to overcome a challenge was a fundamental part of my character. Over the 6 months I went boxing I became extremely more confident in myself. Taking the biggest step I could seemed the natural thing to do now. It changed my character in a way that affected me throughout my life.

When I had completed the boxing section it was time for my residential. This ended up being a clear demonstration of my newfound confidence and determination to overcome challenges. With the exception of 1 person, the 7 people who I shared the residential with turned out to have absolutely no regard for their companions. Coupled with the mountain walking in heavy snow and exhausting treks along hilltops It was possibly the most miserable week I have had for a long time. But I decided early on that I would simply have to put the maximum effort in and weather the unending unpleasantries of my companions. In the end I not only completed the residential I was able to often outperform many of my companions, all of whom were fitter and stronger than me. My determined nature and desire to not give up made sure I completed it with flying colours.

The volunteering in my local shop was probably the best character-enhancing activity I did as it did not benefit me, it benefited the people around me. having to get up early on a Saturday and work for free in my community meant that I understood that enhancing my character did not just mean myself, it also meant that by bettering myself as a person it would better other people as a result. Community service helped to build up a sense that helping people was not just doing a stint at a shop for a year, it was to do it all the time, not just when you were told to do it

The DofE award really helped to shape my character, I had always been nervous about trying new things even though I am fascinated by the world around me, it changed me as person as I realised that being confident was actually a fundamental part of me, I should step back from looking at the final goal and concentrate on the steps towards it.

@justivy03 Thank you very much, this support I am receiving from both of you is incredibly useful, especially as I have never written something like this before!

Is this version better? Am i on the right track with this one?