"My expirience with the fashion industry" Teen Vogue U Application Essay

This essay is written for my admissions into the Teen Vogue University program to complete over the course of my senior year. All feedback is welcome and encouraged!

In 75-150 words, tell us about yourself and why you are interested in earning the Certificate in Fashion Industry Essentials.

My experience with the fashion industry is very limited. Because I have grown up in a small town where a sense of fashion is not celebrated as much as it should be, I am constrained by the lack of options to break into the industry. Teen Vogue University, however, is the perfect opportunity to take the next step towards my career. With the knowledge that Teen Vogue University will provide me with throughout the program, I can confidently go above and beyond the expectations that people have set for me. Also, I would really benefit from the knowledge so that I can truly be the best in my future career field. Not to mention that the certification given upon graduation of the program will look great on future job and college applications.

Hello Reagan. I can say that this is a convincing essay for college admission purpose. You address the prompt clearly and what I like the most is the content of your writing. You know, it is quite difficult to write a short personal statement or admission essay because we have a lot of ideas to put in our writing. Thus, it is necessary to make the essay as compact as possible (encompasses all ideas to answer the prompt) and convincing as well.

My suggestion is to rewrite the second sentence ("Because I have..."). of your essay. You may consider the alternate version of your sentence as follows:

"I am constrained by the lack of options to break into the industry. This because I have grown up in a small town where a sense of fashion is not celebrated as much as it should be. " (I switch the order of the clause, and split the sentence into two)

Good luck with the admission. Cheers :D