I know that this draft is hardly polished, but I want to figure out if I am heading off in the right direction with this essay since I don't want to polish an essay that is going in the wrong direction.
Here is my draft:
I've had my eyes set on the university of texas at Austin for quite some time now. My desire to go to Austin has been my main college objective albeit the fact that I may not be currently attending UT Austin at this moment. My hopes and desires has been guiding me to Austin even though I have had several detours in the process. While I may be currently at UT Arlington, I have been trying my best to make the leap into the UT Austin ever since my high school days. Even then I was taking more difficult classes so I may be able to transfer into Austin sooner if I would not be accepted right out of high school. Reaching out and joining those interest groups or meeting an individual than suites to my interests has been a strong motivator. Not only that but the fact the computer science department is the only top ten computer science department in a thousand miles from Austin is another major motivator. I have already started my studying computer science during my time in high school, and I can say that those classes has helped me start my own studying habits thath pertain to learning the objective-c programming language this summer. This new skill in programming objective-c will open the doors for me to develop iOS applications. I am motivated by the opportunity to not just help organizations at the school by developing iOS apps to connect member of their group, but to also eventually start my own company that will leverage the compelling features of the iPad in order to create applications that enhance the workplace of enterprises all around the country. Knowing that these applications I learned how to craft at UT Austin will possibly save thousands of people's hours gives me the ultimate fulfillment that I have accomplished something extraordinary. With the terrific alumni base down in Austin, I will find it much more easier to start a company in Austin than I would in nearly any other city. I can be guaranteed that I will have experience with startups even before I graduate with Dr. Bob Metcalfe's Longhorn Startup classes giving me the needed experience to have a successful startup when I graduate. I seek not only to enlighten those that I meet on campus, but to leave wit a new lifelong contact that I will be able to consult with and be consulted on. Where else can I find a group of people that posses a vast array of skills that I can leverage with in my future career. While accomplishing the dreams of my own may be the first priority of mine, I seek to also help others out that require someone like me that can provide them with a service that enables them to achieve success with the technologies that I understand how to implement.
1. unique aspects of your academic background: What makes your academic background different from everyone else's?
2. valued experiences How have your experiences changed you?
3. let us know more about you as an individual In what ways is your personality different from that of every other applicant? What can you offer the school that no one else can?
You're on the right track, but so far the essay is a little short in the "uniqueness" department. In other words, some of this stuff could be said about almost any strong student.
jkjeremy, thank you for your input. I have completely reworked the essay. Here is the new version:
When I was in my senior year of high school, I had the privilege of holding the position of student body president in my school's student council. A traditional role of being student body president is giving a talk during the grandparent's day event held at the school. I was grateful for this opportunity to speak to two thousand grandparents about the instances that influenced my life. With this rare opportunity, I felt lead to speak about the influence that my great-grandfather had on my aunt's Christian faith. The ability to discuss the lessons he taught about leaving a Godly heritage for your family extended not only to the grandparents, but also to my fellow students as a result of being enrolled in the chapel practicum class at my school. Being enrolled in this class allowed me to speak to my fellow students during our daily chapel about the important things that God has put on my heart to share with them. I have spoken to them about such things from finding light in darkness to their identity in Christ. These experiences go beyond what I thought I could achieve during high school, and have helped me to envision myself as being more of a leader since I now have a taste of the ability to influence others. From this experience, I now understand how paramount it truly is that we as humans must work together in order to help create better people out of each other. While public speaking inspired me to influence others, I was able to understand the path my influence could take me when I had the rare opportunity to see into NASA's inner workings. It was incredible to see the environment that computer scientists and other engineers had for collaborating with each other's visions of how the future of space exploration will be realized. With this glimpse into what my foreseeable future will hold, I grasped onto the visions of my destiny.
Having the ability to see one's destiny is important, and I feel that many individuals lose sight of what their heart truly desires. I have seen individuals choose their major because they want the highest paying engineering job, or they forget about that one moment where they were inspired as a young child to pursue the vision they had of who they would be in the future. Ever since I was around nine years old, I have had a vision of myself developing new technologies that would transform the current state of society by solving issues that range from automobile accidents to obstacles in long distance communication. From these visions, I have chosen to remain on the path of computer science even though there are fields that have better salaries or a higher affinity from society. My heart is not set on finding prestige or the largest salary since I understand myself enough to know this is not what gives my happiness. What I truly desire is a career that integrates my passions for new technologies that redefine the current solutions available from the technology field. By developing compelling solutions that range from better collaborative enterprise software to designing a new kind of camera that enables the possibility for autonomous driving vehicles, I am reassured that I will not only fulfill my destiny but those of many others. For some, following the vision of one's destiny as a child seems naïve, but I see the challenges on the road ahead as being essential in order to condition me for that one moment where I am able to finally grasp that destiny I envisioned as a child. With the academia and programs offered at UT Austin, I am able to stretch my intellect with other students that have the same destiny that I pursue. It is rare to find such a place that allows me this freedom, and that is why I choose to transfer to UT Austin.
Well...
This is only about 1000 times stronger than the other one. I don't see "iOS" or "ipad" anywhere!
Would you like me to identify the problems? If so, I'll be glad to do it but you'll need to give me an hour or two.
Congratulations on your effort and improvement.
jkjeremy, thank you very much for your complements. I would greatly appreciate it if you looked over my essay, but you can do so at your own convenient time. I'm in no rush. Thanks once again!
jkjeremy, well it turns out that I have underestimated the amount of eagerness that I would have towards seeing the corrections made toward my essay. So I ask that you may start reviewing my essay so I may not constantly be checking my email for that forum notification. I know I said I'm in no rush, but if you possibly could I would really appreciate it.
I take that as a high compliment (even if you didn't mean it as such).
You will have my comments within fifteen hours* of my having posted this. (I've been swamped with my "real" clients.) I would do it right now except that it's after 2:30am my time and I can't serve you well enough when I'm this tired.
Sorry for the delay. You're literally second in line (here).
*If that's too long, please indicate as such and I'll try to move some things around.
Please respond to this as the forum software won't let me be the last to post in this thread!
Fifteen hours is fine. I understand you are trying to make a living and that should always come first. Thanks for the reply.
When I was in my senior year of high school, I had the privilege of holding the position of student body president in my school's student council. A traditional role of being student body president is giving a talk during the grandparent's day event held at the school.
I was grateful for this opportunity to speak to two thousand grandparents about the instances that influenced my life. With this rare opportunity, I felt lead to speak about the influence that my great-grandfather had on my aunt's Christian faith. The ability to discuss the lessons he taught about leaving a Godly heritage for your family extended not only to the grandparents, but also to my fellow students as a result of being enrolled in the chapel practicum class at my school.
Being enrolled in this class allowed me to speak to my fellow students during our daily chapel about the important things that God has put on my heart to share with them. I have spoken to them about such things from finding light in darkness to their identity in Christ.
Without checking, this excerpt looks to be about 175 words.
I want you to take it down to fewer than 150 words by getting rid of the repeats I've put in
bold. You can probably get it down to 100.
On the whole, this paper has some strong ideas but it's much longer than it needs to be.
Two questions:
1. When is this essay due?
2. How long does it need to be?
Well admissions open August 1st and close October 1st. I would prefer if somehow I could submit my application when the window opens since that goal will motivate me to complete my application sooner rather than dragging it on until cutting it close to the deadline.
This is from the website:
"If you're writing your essays to fulfill your admission requirements only, you should try to keep them no longer than one page (single-spaced). If you plan to use your essays to fulfill admission and honors requirements, follow the length guidelines specified by the individual program.
Although one single-spaced page may be enough to tell us what you want and need to say, the length of your essay alone technically doesn't matter. Developing your ideas completely does matter, however. If you can do that in a single page of text, that's good; but if it takes you three pages or so, that's alright, too (as long as you're not just adding words to make your essay longer). It's not realistic to assume that you can clearly communicate your unique perspective about anything in a short paragraph or two."
here is the url to read more on the whole essay business: bealonghorn.utexas.edu/transfer/admission/essays
as you're not just adding words to make your essay longer
This is what you're doing (even though you don't mean to).
In order to finish by August 1, we need to get going.
You need to start by doing what I suggested above.