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'family history' - UCF College Application



N182655 1 / -  
Oct 3, 2012   #1
Essay: The personal statements are a very important part of your application. They assist the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than a total of 500 words or 7000 characters for both statements combined. The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.

1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

My family history is a huge part of who I am. Both of my parent's families moved to America to chase the American dream. My parent's moved from Italy is search for a better life and the chance to be successful. With all their hard work, determination, and dedication, my parents gave my siblings and me the opportunity to do what they never could, go to college. I was given the amazing opportunity to go to Italy and see where my parents grew up when I was 14. They grew up in small towns, where money is scarce and love is abundant. The love and encouragement they received in their hometowns gave them the strength to pursue their dreams and my parents never failed to shower me with this same love and encouragement. Their uphill struggle to be successful has taught me that I can do anything I put my mind to. They remind me daily that in the end, hard work always prevails. I bear in mind that life's greatest achievements do not come easily. I too will have to persevere to walk on the successful path my family has set out for me. My family has taught me more than any teacher or textbook ever could and without them, I would not be where I am today.

The year 2008 changed my life forever. My dad had grown very sick and the devastating day came when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death in American men. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my heart was shattered. My father's illness affected everybody in my family. Countless days and nights spent at the hospital made it virtually impossible to get any homework or studying done. I lacked the ability to focus in class or concentrate on my assignments. My mind was constantly sidetracked to the thought of my sick father. My father's illness forced him to shut down a restaurant that he had worked so hard to create. A couple months later, my parents were forced to declare bankruptcy. Through this rough period, I received more support from my loved ones then I could have ever imagined. At the same time, my desire to pursue a career in the medical field was strengthened. I witnessed what could only be explained as a modern day miracle and my father was cured of prostate cancer by robotic surgery using the newly invented DaVinci machine. This obstacle in the road gave me the strength and determination to pursue my dream of being a doctor.

BachChaconne2 1 / 94  
Oct 4, 2012   #2
For some people, it's distracting to read a repeated phrase, especially after it has already been used in the previous sentence (e.g., my parents, love and encouragement). Work on eliminating redundancies.

Blue text is a recommendation to revise.

Conclusion still needs refining; that is, your essay has a somewhat unsatisfactory conclusion. You briefly talked about how this experience has emboldened you and your dreams, but you may also want to explain further your interest in medical technology (i.e., substantiate your goals).

Keep in mind: I might have missed a few things, so review my edits carefully!

PS: Although I edited this draft, that doesn't mean it's a final draft.


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