UC: How my father's mental illness cultivated my desire to be a psychologist

This isn't quite completed. Words and phrases in parenthesis are things that I think I want to replace with different phrasing, either to be less awkward or less repetitive. My ending is also less polished than the rest of the essay, as I haven't done as much work on it. I also might want to shave off some words, possibly 50-100, because this word count is at 660. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

And, last question before I post the essay, is the spacing below correct for the UC applications? Or should I keep all of the paragraphs together with no line break in between, and use five spaces to indent the paragraphs?

Prompt 1: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Several months after the first time I saw the homeless man wandering the streets in tattered clothes, I pulled up next to him in my car. He was standing at a stoplight, looking at the ground and muttering to himself. Desperate to reach out to him, I waited until he looked up from the ground, made eye contact with him, and waved. He looked back at me, but his glassy eyes never flashed with recognition. He was lost in the fog of his illness; he no longer recognized his own daughter.

Mental illness has affected my life more than most. Throughout my childhood, I watched my father suffer from both bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. I watched as these diseases tore a once charismatic, successful man apart, and how their effects on his personality and his actions devastated my entire family. I cried as I watched my father attempt to hang himself in our garage when I was ten. During one of his manic episodes, we dealt with the fallout after he squandered our entire savings on a single lost bet. I helped my two younger sisters pack their things after he sold our home because he was convinced that our neighbors were watching him. I witnessed his violent outbursts exacted on every member of our household, and felt the embarrassment of trying to conceal his violence so that our family could continue to hide his illness from everyone, including ourselves. All this while he started and stopped medicating on a whim, adamantly refusing therapy, desperately claiming "I'm not crazy."

I did not understand my father's illness, and after my parents' divorce when I was 18, we quickly drifted apart. It would not be until I began learning more about psychology that I would understand the scope of his disease, and come to terms with why he had lost control. It was devastating when I realized that instead of harboring his illness as our dark secret, if we, as a family, had opened ourselves to the possibility of family therapy, his illness may never have advanced as far as it did. My newfound knowledge soothed my anger and resentment towards my father. I felt compelled to reconnect with him and see if I could find a way to help him. Unfortunately, around this time I would learn, first through family friends, and, later, with my own eyes, that my father had already fallen apart. He, like so many others afflicted with schizophrenia, had become homeless.

It has been nearly a year since the last time I saw my father living on the street. I do not know if he is still homeless. I do not know if he has gotten help and started a new life. I do not know if he is still alive. I always reflect upon my encounter with him at the stoplight as a missed opportunity. As an adolescent, I would never have been able to comprehend that having a parent with a mental illness could have a modicum of positivity. However, the inability to help one person has filled me with the drive to help many people, a new predisposition to help those who are in need. More importantly, however, I would like to focus on how to bring care to those who will not seek it because they, like my father, refuse help on the basis of being labeled as "crazy." I want to aid in finding a way to remove the stigma from seeking treatment so that people like my father can receive the care they desperately need. My father's illness defined my past, made it negative and difficult, but it also drives my motivation to devote my future to helping others like him change their lives for the better.

Thanks, Dad. I love you.

Hi Ashli,

Thanks for sharing what is a deeply personal and thought-provoking essay. I love so much of what you have written:

"Several months after the first time I saw my father (wandering the streets) in tattered clothes, I pulled up next to him standing at a stoplight, looking at the ground and muttering to himself. Still desperate to reach out to him, I waited until he looked up from the ground, made eye contact, and waved. He looked back at me, but his glassy eyes never flashed with recognition. He is lost in the fog of his illness; he no longer recognizes his own daughter."

I think this paragraph is brilliant. So brilliant, I think you should start with it, but modify the opening sentence so the reader does not know who the man is:

"Several months after the first time I saw a man wandering the streets in tattered clothes, I pulled up next to him. He was standing at a stoplight, looking at the ground and muttering to himself. Still desperate to reach out to him, I waited until he looked up from the ground, made eye contact, and waved. He looked back at me, but his glassy eyes never flashed with recognition. He was lost in the fog of his illness; he no longer recognized his own daughter."

I think this will help to give your essay more momentum, and take on a stronger narrative quality. I think you can also improve on the 'reader-friendliness' and organization of your essay--perhaps combine paragraphs and come up with a solid skeletal structure:

-Introduction
-Mental Illness/Early history
-Your parents' divorce
-Reconnecting (hook back to the introduction)
-Why Psych/Conclusion
-Closing line

As it stands, the essay feels slightly fragmented. However, I think with a clearer paragraph structure you can really take your essay to the next level.

Fantastic work.

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing

Thanks Janson!

The essay sounds fragmented because it is. I worked on each paragraph individually when I thought of it, so I definitely agree with you that it needs better flow because right now it's several very individual paragraphs all stuck together.

I also LOVE the idea you gave about changing up the wording and placement of the "stoplight" paragraph. I really wanted to open up the essay with "who's the homeless man?" and moving that paragraph to the top would help with that so much, improve the flow of my essay, and give me more room to elaborate on "why psychology?" instead of devoting most of the essay to storytelling. Thank you so much!

Happy to help! You made my work easy.

Revision. I could definitely use help on my conclusion most of all. For some reason, I'm still floundering there. But the rest of the essay is more concise now, and I'm hoping it also flows better.

Huge improvement!!! I love the progress.

I might take a second look at the prompt though, to give your conclusion more depth, target the prompt and think about why Psych.

Can you tether your interest in psychology to any other concrete activities? Volunteer work perhaps? Student clubs? Community outreach? The AdCom clearly wants you to really substantiate your intended major, so if you can add some heft here, that would be great. Psych is so broad you might be able to position any experience.

If not, I would just make sure you make your interest in Psych is as concrete as possible by the end of your essay. Show not just an emotional, personal commitment, but an intellectual one. Lots of intellectual issues to consider. They 'grey' quality and scale of mental disease (your father refusing help--but needing it), the separation btw person and condition (the person is not the disease), the variety of treatments and medical approaches, etc.

Hope that helps!

Cheers,
Janson

No concrete involvement yet, besides recently signing up as a student member of the APAoutside of really loving studying the subject and having a personal connection to it (besides recently signing up as a student member of the APA). That's why I want to make sure my essay is as refined as possible, so that I can I get into a school that will have a lot of really great opportunities for me to get hands-on with psych itself with research assistanceships, clubs, etc etc.

So, I'll definitely have to direct my focus towards showing that I'm interested and passionate about getting involved, since I don't have any involvement yet.

what catalyzed my desire (for your parenthesis)

been present (for your parenthesis)

"my father suffer with both" should be changed to "my father suffer from both'

"refusing theraphy because 'I'm not crazy'" to "refusing therapy claiming 'I'm not crazy'"

Very powerful essay. I think if you should make a bit more clear that you really want to be a psychologist because I don't feel you've spent enough attention to that. The paragraph where you saw your father is really strong and vivid.

Thanks Jessica! I was looking for a way to make the "I'm not crazy" quote fit less awkwardly and I think you nailed it. And I definitely agree with your assessment that I want to help people by becoming a psychologist. That's the weakest aspect of my essay and I'm looking to improve upon it, definitely. Thanks so much for your help!

With a personal story that embodies all that is truly good and necessary in education, who needs good writing skills and proof-reading? I think you're a couple revisions away from perfection. Best of luck to you, though honestly you won't need it. =)

Learning is a simple, unimaginative word. Perhaps you shouldn't describe the mental illnesses as being "of" your father, instead describing them in terms of how they havocked your father and ruined his life. "Fascinating" is morbidly cheery. "Exhilarating" is misused. "Words cannot express" is often used when the person is trying for emphasis or has run out of words to express what follows.

It is fine to express bubbly enthusiasm but try to find a balance with careful contemplation; too much of the former and little of the latter, forewarns of spectacular failure. Presumably you are aware of the difference between a psychologist and psychiatrist; why is there not a single mention of "clinical psychology" or "clinical psychologist" if you're serious about the line of work? Perfunctory and/or disingenuous endings are easily perceptible and frowned upon.

Regroup and try to figure out the message(s) you want the author reminded of, and enduring impressions you want to leave the author with; express them.

I love your essay. ;] Reallie. :D And more focus on your desire of being a psychologist would be necessary I think. Maybe you could including something you've studied in psych that strengthen your determination in majoring it. Especially in the third para before you end it with the love of a child (you) to her unfortunate and ill father.

Love it, I could reallie see the vivid image. Very touching =]

Okay, did some heavy reworking on the conclusion, and I think the essay as a whole is much stronger now. I need to make it a bit shorter (current word count is 634, I'd like to find a way to get it down to 575 but that would take a lot of cutting, so I'm divided at the moment)