College Personal Essay
This is my essay and please give me a good opinion.
I came to the United States when I was five years of age; both of my parents worked arduously and endlessly at the time to support our family. Twelve years ago, I never could have imagined being in this position to share my journey on the long path of life and I am truly grateful to be sharing my background, my journey, and my experience with you. I feel that these parts of my life are unique and are why they clearly set me apart from the other contemporary applicants.
My background consists of hardworking and dedicated people, especially my father. From his generation, having grown up in China, education was not the main priority; instead, it was to make a living. For that reason, he traveled to the United States for a fresh start. He explained to me that immigrating to the United States was the best decision he has ever made in his life because he gained the opportunity to pursue his goals and dreams. Having no special trade skills and not speaking the English language, coming to America was difficult for him. These obstacles did not hold him back and this was one of the primary reasons why he was able to create a name for himself in the restaurant industry.
My journey started in a restaurant when I was just five years old. My childhood revolved around busy parents and long hours spent within the confined walls of the restaurant. My parents were forced to work long, hard hours to support our family, which resulted in bringing my brothers and I to work with them everyday. Growing up was difficult for me academically and socially because working as a part of the family business consumed most of my time as a student and as an individual. It was hard for me to balance schoolwork and assisting my parents in the restaurant, but I knew my hard work and perseverance would win in the end. At the age of eight, I have already assumed a position some might consider to have a high level of responsibility, which entitled working behind the counter taking phone calls and distributing the many bags of take-out. Going through these times was hard on my family and me, because we relied solely on the restaurant's business to make a living. Consequently, that is the main reason why my parents desired a good education for me so I would not have to follow in their footsteps. Nevertheless, I still have no regrets of becoming a part of the family business because it molded me into a mature and responsible individual. Furthermore, growing up in a restaurant taught me the Chinese etiquette that working hard and dedication will pay off.
My father has always told me, "The better education you have, the easier life will be." I cherish these words every single day in my heart. I continually use my dad as a source of inspiration and motivation because he metaphorically "taught me the game and taught me how to play it right." Ever since growing up around the restaurant business, I have always felt a connection to the business world, and that is why I plan to pursue business management in my upcoming college career.
Jason, it seems to me that this personal essay is more about the quest of your father to give you and your siblings a better life than it is about you. When you write a personal statement, you have to consider it as your first interview with the admissions officer. It is your opportunity to, for the first time, make the kind of impression that you want to with him regarding the kind of person you are. That said, while your family background should figure into the story, the story of your father and his adventure to come to the United States should not take up 90 % of the paper.
The personal statement should instead, introduce you to the reviewer as a person. What do you want him to know about you that you might not be able to present using the other common essay prompts? For example, you can explain that because your father did not have a chance to study in China, you want to do him proud by being the first member of your family to have a college degree. Then explain your choice of major's using the restaurant that your family owns. But delve into a deeper detail that relates more to you and your interest in the course. Maybe mention that you plan on growing the family business in the future.
Talk about your extra curricular interests as well. Develop your well rounded personality within the essay. If you have any special skills or talents, like speaking a specific Chinese language or something, then mention those as well in such a manner that it shows the type of unique person you have become because of your upbringing and interests.
The essay really has the potential to be an excellent first interview, it just has to be less about your father and his wisdom and more about you and who you believe you are and why.
Jason, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay with the focus on the last two paragraphs.
- socially becauseas I was working as a
- part time inof the family business and this consumed
- It was hard for me to balance schoolwork
- Going through these times was hard on my family and mefor me and my family ,
- I still have no regrets ofin becoming
- a part of the family business because it moldedhoned me into
- Ever since growing upGrowing around the restaurant business,
- I have always felt a connection to the business world, and that is whythus I plan to pursue
- business management in my upcomingmy future college career.
There you have it Jason, overall you have a well written essay and just a little modification was needed, you have to improve on the part of creating a strong conviction on the words you use in your essay.
