Feeling different and misfit in the family. (UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA ESSAY PROMPT 1)

Hey guys, this my draft for the UC essay prompt 1 which is (Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.) i hope you guys can give me some feed backs on this essay. thank you

Many things were expected of me ever since I was born. I guess that's normal when you are the only son in the family. Growing up in a family that values the excellence of the family legacy really doesn't help to ease the pressure. I never looked like someone who will carry on the family legacy because I always felt like I'm different and a misfit in the family. I joined a boarding school when I was 13 years old. It was not my parents' decision to send me there, but it was solely my choice to go there in hope of finding a new environment to live in.

I got what I wished for but it was not pleasant as I thought. Living in a society made of at least 3 different cultures was not easy. Language barrier and the difference in how they treat things just made it harder for me to blend in. In the end, I was still trapped in the same mind-set which is 'I am different and I don't belong here'.

I decided to distance myself from society and not wanting to be the first one to break the ice. I felt comfortable living in my own bubble. That mentality left me stagnant for a long time.

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You should use that as the opening sentence of your paragraph. It has a strong implication towards the content of the paragraph and establishes how you felt about your family and academic life early on. Restructure the introduction to center around that mindset. Placing particular attention to the pressure placed on you as an only son. What is this legacy that your family expects you to carry on? Explaining that will give us a reason to understand why you chose to go to boarding school.


Why did you decide to not be open socially? Why was it more comfortable for you to be in the bubble? When you mention things like these, you should provide a simple analysis of the reasons that led up to these decisions. Why did everyone seem to be ahead of you at the time? Develop those ideas before you introduce the stepping out of the box transition.


Explain to us what you meant by stepping out of the box and how you approached doing that. Why were you constantly doubting yourself? Let us into your world. Give us an insight. Don't leave the reader hanging, wondering about why you said those things. What research was done on Phillip Island? Why did you choose to join the group? There are a lot of questions left open in this paragraph that you need to plug.


This is a strong closing statement. So we need to strengthen the earlier parts as well. Don't worry about the word count or grammar errors for now. Just express yourself and we will work on the revisions later. The important work that has to be done now is creating a solid message or narration within the essay. Everything else will fall into place after that :-)

misfit - word choice
Growing - remember everything should be in past tense
It was not my parents' decision to send me there, but it was solely my choice to go there in hope of finding a new environment to live in. - merge together, make it less wordy :)

Living in a society made of at least 3 different cultures was not easy. Language barrier and the difference in how they treat things just made it harder for me to blend in - a little awkward, how about " Language barrier and cultures differences was a huge challenge, created an invisible wall that stop me from moving forward"

In the end, I was still trapped in the same mind-set which is 'I am different and I don't belong here'. - this sentence confuse me, i understand what you want to say, just not clear enough. i would suggest you either make new a new sentence to support your idea or just get rid of it.

I decided to distance myself from society and not wanting to be the first one to break the ice - same ideas in a sentence, one is enough.

I felt comfortable living in my own bubble. That mentality left me stagnant for a long time - merge them together, i suggest
Whether it is sports, socializing or academics, everyone seems to be ahead of me at that time. - nope! i would get rid of this or write a new sentence that support your idea

I asked myself, how long do I want this to continue? - this can be a powerful tool if you use it correctly, just ask yourself more questions. for example Do i want this to continue? What is my expectation? How can i improve myself? etc.

i don't know how long the essay should be, but i give it a 6/10. Your essay is just not strong enough and fail to deliver your message across. You need to able to make yourself stand out and support your idea with more examples. Obviously i am not a professional writer, r, this is just my opinion on your essay.

- Last but not least, good luck on your essay application, best wishes for you :)

Hey there, i have revised my essay and please let me know whether it is alright or not. thank you!

'I am different and I don't belong here'. That was the mentality that I grew up with. This is largely due to the fact that I am the only son in the family. I guess it is normal to have so many expectations from your parents when you are the only son in the family. Plus, growing up in a family that values the family legacy of constantly producing high achievers really doesn't help to ease the pressure. I always felt out of place whenever I am together with my sisters and parents. So, when I was 13 years old I decided to enter a boarding school in hope of finding a new environment to live in.

I got what I wished for but it was not pleasant as I thought. Living in a society made of at least 3 different cultures was not easy. Language barrier and culture differences made it even harder for me to blend in. In the end, I was still trapped in the same mind-set which is 'I am different and I don't belong here'.

I distanced myself from society. I am never the first one to break the ice because I felt like everyone doesn't understand me. In my head, I am always the right one and others are wrong and that is why I feel more comfortable living in my own bubble.

As a result, I am left stagnant at the same level for a long time. Whether it is sports, socializing or academics, everyone seems to be ahead of me at that time. Maybe it is because of their bravery to step out of their comfort zone and reach out to others and learn new things every day. I asked myself, how long do I want this to continue? Do I not want to be a better version of myself just because I am comfortable with the state I am right now? I finally came to my senses.

I realized that changes will not happen until I popped the 'bubble'. I need to interact with others and learn from them. It wasn't easy at first because I feared what society will think of me and I constantly doubted myself. I tried my best to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations. I learned simple Mandarin and Tamil phrases just to blend in with the Chinese and the Indians.

Things started to get better after that. I excelled in my studies, made new friends and gained valuable knowledge on different cultures. To top it off, at 16 years old I was selected by the ministry of education to represent the country for a knowledge exchange program in Melbourne. It was one of the highlights of my life and it wasn't possible if I hadn't decided to change my mentality.

At the end of the day, I will always remind myself that feeling uncomfortable is necessary to progress. Change is not always progress, but progress requires change. I believe that progress on its own, without any purpose will become meaningless and that is why progress and service are dependent of each other. Being able to contribute back to society as you develop doesn't just give value to progress, but it is also an act of gratitude to society for everything they have done for us. This is how the world that I lived in has shaped my dreams and what I hope to become in the future.

CaptainCook, feel free to use my corrections and suggestions. Don't forget to double check the essay for the tense problems :-)


- ... Living in a multicultural society with a language barrier setting us apart made it harder for me to blend in. That is why I continued to be trapped the "I am different and I do not belong here" mindset.


- I continued to distance myself from my peers because I felt it was easier to live in my bubble than have to face people who I knew would not understand me. Somehow I felt like I always needed to be right and everyone else had to be wrong, so rather than stir up trouble, I chose to be alone.


- That is why I did not progress with my social growth for a period of time. As I observed other people around me, it seemed like they were always ahead of me because they chose to step out of their comfort zones. I thought that maybe, just maybe, this was the reason why they seemed to learned more things everyday while I stagnated. Finally coming to my senses I decided to "pop my bubble" and try to socialize more in an effort to learn from my peers. Even though I felt uncomfortable at first, I learned that there were things that I could do to blend in. Simple things like learning a few Mandarin and Tamil phrases I could speak to the Chinese and Indians in my community helped to bring me out of my shell.


- My life got better with each day that I opened myself up to people. I began to excel in my studies, made new friends, and learned how to get along with other cultures. At the age of 16, my efforts to help myself improve socially and academically paid off. I was selected as the representative of my country to a knowledge exchange program in Melbourne, Australia. That is a highlight of my life that would not have been possible if I continued to live in my shell and stunt my academic and mental growth.


- That experience in my life taught me that discomfort comes with progress. Being uncomfortable is necessary in order to create and accept change. Progress cannot occur if change is not openly embraced. It is because I am now able to openly embrace change and understand the lessons that it offers that I hope to become an even better version of myself in the future through the help of my exposure to a new world at your university.