'Finance major' - International Student Essay - The Ohio State University

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!... Please check for any errors of any sort and also you may give advice as to ways in which i can improve the essay. All help is accepted. Please and Thank You in advance.

Prompt:

Select one question of the following essay questions and type your response below. Limit your response to 400 words.

Reflect carefully on your answers and be attentive to spelling and grammar. There are no "right" answers to these questions; the best answer is one in which you clearly articulate what you think and what you believe.

Please describe what experiences, interests, or goals influenced your decision to study in the United States and how pursuing the major you have chosen will contribute in fulfilling your life goals and aspirations.

My Response:

It is often said that The United States of America is the land of opportunity and I agree with this statement. With millions of dollars available for investment in research projects and facilities each year, American universities provide me with adequate opportunities to conduct studies research in the field of Finance. The global financial meltdown experienced by countries worldwide is a main interest of mine. It is my dream to be able to, thorough the use of these facilities, provide solutions to recessions so that the world citizens do not have to suffer. I believe that with the adequate facilities at universities such as the Ohio State University in America, one day I will be able to accomplish this dream. If I were able to pursue a major in Finance at a prestigious university such as the Ohio State University, it would be a big step towards achieving this dream.

According to The Times Higher Education, universities in America such as the Ohio State University ranked among the top universities in the world. It is therefore clear that, by attending an American university, I would be able to accumulate the knowledge I need to guide me to success. For years I had wanted to go to an American university as I have always strived for the best and I believed that this was the best for me.

Attaining a Bachelor of Science in Finance from the Ohio State University would open many doors for me. By acquiring this degree from the Ohio State University, I believe that jobs in the field of Finance would be plentiful. This would greatly contribute in fulfilling my life goals and aspirations as I would be able to help others and my household attain and uphold financial stability. It would provide opportunities for me to contribute to the community by offering my money and services to those in need.

If I attended the Ohio State University I would seize the opportunity to amass a vast amount of knowledge. Armed with a prodigious amount of knowledge in the field of Finance, I would also be able to, as my icon Jim Cramer does, trade on the stock market for a charity of my choice. This would provide me with the opportunity to help others in need and at the same time help me develop the skills I would need to trade successfully on any stock exchange.

*Please remember that i have to take out a lot to be able to add anything to the second essay as the word limit is 400 words and my essay is spot on 400.

Tighten up the writing style a bit. Try to be more concise, and avoid using forms of "to be" (is, was, are, were, etc.). For example, your first sentence, "It is often said that The United States of America is the land of opportunity and I agree with this statement" could easily be written as "I view America as the land of opportunity." without any loss of meaning. I'd suggest revising the entire essay with those principles in mind.

"American universities will provide me with adequate opportunities to conduct studies research in the field of Finance"

"The global financial meltdown experienced by countries worldwide is a main interest of mine. "

Since you already said "global" I don't think "experienced by countries worldwide" is necessary.

"It is my dream to be able to, thoroughthrough the use of these facilities, provide solutions to recessions so that the world citizens do not have to suffer."

I thought recession is a part of the natural economic cycle.

"According to The Times Higher Education, universities in America such as the Ohio State University are ranked among the top universities in the world."

"It is thereforeTherefore, it is clear that, by attending an American university, I would be able to accumulate the knowledge I need to guide me to success."

"For years I had wanted to go to an American university as I have always strived for the best and I believed that this wasis the best for me."

"This would greatly contribute in fulfilling my life goals and aspirations as I would be able to help others and my household attain and uphold financial stability."

This sentence sounds awkward and wordy. I don't know how to fix it.

"I would also be able to, as my icon Jim Cramer does, trade on the stock market for a charity of my choice."

I think someone like Warren Buffett would be better (I believe you know who he is, since you do want to major in finance and invest in the stock market). After all he does plan to donate 85% (I believe) of this wealth to the Melinda and Gates foundation.

Good luck!

Your essays are so good compared to mine T.T
I simply don't know how to edit your essays b/c they are beyond my editing skills.
My opinions probably don't count b/c I'm not very experienced, but I'll say one thing that caught my eye, "The global financial meltdown is a main interest of mine" could sound better.

Maybe you could say "The present global financial meltdown is a crisis experienced worldwide, and [insert next sentence]. And then take "to use these facilities" out of the the next sentence.

The present global financial meltdown is a crisis experienced worldwide, and it is my goal to develop ways in which world citizens can cope with recessions. I believe that with access to the competent facilities available at The Ohio State University along with the guidance of its professors, I can accomplish this dream.

I tried my best. Hope this helps =)