My First Promotion Test - breaking three boards; Taekwondo

Hello everyone! I want to submit this as my common app essay, but I just want to make sure it's somewhere close to being okay.

I used the fourth prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

Please be as harsh as possible, thank you in advance!

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"Angie!" yelled Master Yusuf.

The dojang, where Taekwondo is practiced, became silent as I stood. All eyes were on me as I walked towards Instructor Kwong. I eyed the two boards he tightly held in his hands. Each board is one inch thick, you are required to break them all if you want to proceed to the next belt. Countless thoughts ran through my head. 'What happens if I can't break them?' 'Will anyone laugh?' I felt my heart in my throat

"Actually, give her three."

I sharply turned to Master Yusuf, a look of surprise clouding my face. Many gasps echoed through the dojang, and I even caught a look of concern from a parent. Was he mad? Does he really think I can break three boards?! He simply returned it with a smile. More thoughts ran through my mind as Instructor Kwong picked up another board. He angled them towards me. Suddenly, I began to doubt myself. No way would I be able to break three boards. I felt dozens of eyes constantly pierce me from every angle. Looking over to my friends, they all nodded towards the boards and I lowly sighed.

When I broke my first board, I remember all of the students looking at me with bored eyes- they've seen this situation any times. Even though Master Yusuf held up, what I then learned was a half an inch board, I doubted myself. I looked him in the eye and told him I couldn't do it. His eyes told me otherwise, and I followed them.

Loud drum rolls erupted throughout the dojang as I faced the boards.

"Aiya!" I yelled as I got into position.

I remember being bullied in elementary and middle school- the teasing, fellow classmates laughing at me and me not wanting any part of anything.

"Aiya!" I yelled again as I raised my arm, angling my fist in the process.

I remember being pushed against the stairwell as kids pointed and laughed; the humiliation etched all over my face.

"Aiya!" I rawly yelled as my fist went crashing into three boards.

I turned away from them and faced away from Instructor Kwong. Did I not break the boards?! Suddenly, the sound of clattering hit the floors as roaring cries of cheers and applause came from every direction. I looked down and saw all three boards broken in half.

I couldn't believe it.

I felt tears well in my eyes but covered them with smiles. Instructor Kwong picked them up and we bowed to each other as he handed them to me.

"Thank you sir." I whispered.

"Good job, Angie." he said as he patted my back, a grin plastered on his face.

Okay, the story is good as a personal realization of your adulthood. You learned to channel your emotions and control them, releasing your anger in a controlled and psychologically effective manner. That is what being an adult is all about. The problem, is that your essay lacks that sort of intellectual and emotional development in order to become as effective as it should be in a coming of age story. From the point where you recalled how you were bullied, etc,, try to find a way connect it to the way that Taekwondo helped you develop the mature sense of responsibility and self - control that has led to the adult way of thinking that you now have. I assume that you have developed a sense of maturity through your years of training? Show us how your teacher helped you achieve this level of maturity. Right now, your sense of maturity is somewhat clouded in the story. You need to build it up to lead into that moment when you broke he boards and then highlight how, at least in your martial community, you were then seen as an adult. They saw you as an adult for breaking the boards, you saw yourself as an adult because of the way you matured through the art.

Thank you for your response, that was just what I needed. The thing is, I don't really know how I'll tie those in, but I'll try.

Is it okay if I can respond with my edit?

Please do try to revise the essay. I assure you that it will make the essay better. If you feel lost and do not know where or how to begin the revision, don't hesitate to let me know so that i can offer up a template for you to follow with regards to your revision. My suggestion is to consider the reasons that you joined Taekwondo in the first place. Did it ever relate to the way you were bullied or treated by other people? Do you feel that the sport elevated your mindset and understanding of why some people can be cruel and mean? Look into how the sport has helped you better understand others, on a level that a child or teenager might not understand. Those are the key factors to responding properly to the essay.

With regards to your question, yes, you can make comments along with the posted edits. In fact, we prefer that you make comments with your edits that will guide us in understanding why you did certain changes. That way we can tell you if the change actually worked in favor of the essay or not.