Hi everyone, Please help me to revise my UC personal Statement. Thank You!
Prompt1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Being the first to study in the United States, I know I will have a different life than other family members. In my family, I have lots of relatives and some of my cousins are studying in Canada. Although I am not the first family member to go to another country to study, all my relatives are expecting me to have a successful life. The reason they expect more of me than their children is because their children are giving up on their school due to different problems. For instance, one of my cousins, Chi Wei, went to Canada three years ago.
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Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"People love thinking and they always think life is like a puzzle."
When I was studying in Hong Kong, my father always spent time teaching me how to play puzzles and explained that life is just like a puzzle. He said "A problem is just like a box of a puzzle that is not opened. You will find all the parts of the puzzle which can solve the problem, just as you will in life." I did not understand why life was just like a puzzle because I was too young and could not get my father's meaning. But he continued to influence me to help others think through and solve problems. This is why makes many people come to ask me for helping to solve problems. Within these problems, Alvin, a friend in need, helped me understand my father's view of life.
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Am having a lilttle problem with your 1st paragraph because it didnt really answer the question been asked. The second paragragh is ok because it has some vital ponit. there are some grammatical error with need looking at
Being the first to study in the United States, I know I will have a different life than other family(whiwhich family member and how is it related to the question)
members. In my family, I have lots of relatives and some of my cousins are studying in Canada. Although I am not the first family member to go to another country to study, all my relatives are expecting me to have a successful life i think you dont really need these. The reason they expect more from me because i am the first to travel to AMERICA TO STUDY AND ALSO BECAUSE MOST children OF NOWADAY NO LONGER VALUE EDUCATION AND NO LONGER WANT STUDY. For instance, one of my cousins, Chi Wei,WHO went to Canada three years ago TO STUDY.WHEN HE WAS GOING EveryBODY was proud of him because he into a good university THROUGH his hard work. ALTHOUGHT HE worked very hard TO ATTAIN HIS ADMISSION, HE CHOOSE a major CAREER PART which WAS easy for him.WHEN HE FINISHED HIS STUDIES he came back to Hong Kong to get a job, he noticed that it was very hard to get a nice salary with his QULIFICATIONS. So, he DECIDED TO ask my father FOR a job PLACEMENT IN HIS COMPANY WHICH MY COUSIN HAD NO EXPRIENCE OR QULIFICATION . This decision shaped my dream and aspiration BECAUSE IT I LEARNT THAT ONE SHOULD NOT ALWAYS CHOOSE A CAREER PATH THAT IS EASY INSTEAD ONE SHOULD ALWAYS CHOOSE A CAREER THAT HARD WORK BECAUSE AT THE END ONE WOULD BENEFIT FROM IT
Last summer, I workED in my father's office INORDER TO GAIN SOME work experience. ON A PARTICULAR DAY WHEN I followED my father TO A construction SITE, I saw Chi We,HE was working so EVER SO hard. I wonderED TO MYSELF why a student, who graduated from a good university and got the second honors, could end up with a poor salary and IN A poor working place. He just made one wrong decision and this changed his whole life. At this POINT, I understood that if I choose a college major that I do not like or because this major is easy to do, I will be just like Chi Wei. I must study a major that I like and can help me to be a successful person which will make my family proud of me.it will be arduous for me BECAUSE WHEN I graduate, I can get a nice salary and can work in a famous company. I cannot give up NOW because my familIES are expecting me to become successful. Chi Wei's decision changed my view of college and my life BECAUSE if pERSON make a wrong choice OR DECISION, it WILL affect their whole liFE.
Thanks for you helping and I am trying to correct my problems.
Also how about my prompt 2?
here is my edition.
Prompt1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Being the first to study in the United States, I know I will have a different life than other family members. In my family, I have lots of relatives and some of my cousins are studying in Canada. The reason they expect more from me because i am the first to travel to America to study and also because most children of nowadays no longer value education and no longer want study. The reason they expect more of me than their children is because their children are giving up on their school due to different problems.
Chi Wai is my cousin who has the highest education in this generation. He lived in Canada since five years old. He is very smart and hard working. He was graduated in University of Toronto which is a famous university in the world. In last summer, he went back to Hong Kong for working. One day my father invited him to have a dinner with my father and me. During the dinner, he asked my father about could my father give him a job. I was wondering why he asked my father for a job because I knew he did not study in Engineering. At the same time, he told my father about he could not get a job with his major. He chose that major was because he thought that major was easy to graduate he was not thinking his future when he was choosing that major. With his speech to persuade my father to give him a job, he was very regretful about making this wrong decision.
Through the dinner with Chi Wai, I finally understood why my parents always reminded me to stick on my dreams, to become an Engineer. Within this dinner, he reminded me to be brave when I am facing some problems. He taught me a lesson that I should not think I could not do anything. I should think what I can do. Before I am making a decision, I should think it deeply. This process is very important because once I made a wrong decision like Chi Wai, this will affect his whole life.
I want to tell students who are seniors to choose a major carefully. Although college is just only one of the steps of life, if people make a wrong choice, it will affect their whole lives.
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"People love thinking and they always think life is like a puzzle."
When I was studying in Hong Kong, my father always spent time teaching me how to play puzzles and explained that life is just like a puzzle. He said "A problem is just like a box of a puzzle that is not opened. You will find all the parts of the puzzle which can solve the problem, just as you will in life." I did not understand why life was just like a puzzle because I was too young and could not get my father's meaning. But he continued to influence me to help others think through and solve problems. This is why makes many people come to ask me for helping to solve problems. Within these problems, Alvin, a friend in need, helped me understand my father's view of life.
On Tuesday morning, Alvin asked me about how to start a drama club without paying any money and also how he can get many people to join the club. During that time, I was very busy with my own school work, but I still decided to throw my hat into the ring to help him because he is my best friend and I love to help others solve problems. This problem was a hard nut to crack because there was nothing I could start with just like a new puzzle that has not yet been opened. There were some disadvantages for me. I am not creative, so I could not make a nice flyer and I am not good at persuading people. I believe actions speak louder than words. When I was on the ropes to solve this problem, I found that is a chance had added a piece to the puzzle: we made a show during chapel. In chapel, I used my sense of humor to persuade students to come and join the drama club. Also I noticed that this chance was just like a part of puzzle. At the end of the chapel, many students were interested in joining this club. And what do you know.., they invited their friends to join the club too. Soon, the club had over twenty people. Although this was just a small problem, it helped me to understand that problems are similar to puzzles.
"Life is like a puzzle." This puzzle of my life separates into different parts. From when I was born till present, is just only a small part of the puzzle. High school is a piece of the puzzle. College will be one of the parts of the puzzle. Although there are many, each part is incredibly important because it can change a whole life.
This is a good place to use the word various:
...are giving up on their school due to different various problems.
He was graduated in from the University of Toronto, which is a famous university. in the world.
In l Last summer, he went back to Hong Kong to work.
...always reminded me to stick to my dreams and become an Engineer.
I like the first essay a lot! Great theme!
Here in the second essay, you have a confusing sentence:
He said "A problem is just like a box of a puzzle that is not opened. You will find all the parts of the puzzle which can solve the problem, just as you will in life."----do you mean to refer to a box that the puzzle is in when you buy the puzzle at the store? And how does the puzzle help you solve a problem?
The puzzle theme is great, but I think you should revise that unclear sentence.
:-)