"to follow Finance Investment Banking" - Personal Statement

The following draft is too short. pls. help revise and suggest in what way I can add something more. great thanks.

Partly influenced by my family, I would like to follow Finance Investment Banking.

When I was still in elementary school, my 60-year-old grandpa opened a small shop. They got up early to purchase goods, arranged them tidy, dealt with clients and calculated the profits after business hours. When they were busy, I offered my help. So this is my first part-time job and I got paid at 10 yuan per day. At that time, I thought of business as buying at a low price and selling at a high price. It is such as pretty easy work. Now I find myself too naive and ignore many important factors such as capital, risk and investment.

When I grew up, I am always attracted by economic topics. My parents found my interest in economics and thus bought me some relevant books. They even invited me into family budget and listened to my suggestions carefully. When I was 15 years old, I put all my savings into the stock market. After applying some basic skills, I gained a profit of 50%. My first success of this filled me with great confidence. From then on, I am determined to be a financial professional.

I reap great benefit from reading extensively successful business cases and my reflection on them. However, my knowledge and skills are far from enough. I intend to attend a university and receive systematic training in investment. I am sure my university education can qualify me as a sensible and talented investment planner and help people make money out of the money they already have.

IN my opinin you can chose MBA porograme in university or any calege it is very usefull for you

Instead of "Partly influenced by my family, I would like to follow Finance Investment Banking.," start this way:

I intend to study Finance Investment Banking, and much of my inspiration for this pursuit comes from my family. Now write 3 more sentences that explain your truth, the truth of your decision to learn investment banking. Then, start the 2nd paragraph:

When I was still in elementary school, my 60-year-old grandpa opened...

At the end, reflect on the truth that you described in the first paragraph.

:)

Kevin