Hey guys can you give me some feedback on my essay for common app? The prompt is- evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced ant its impact on you
My mind was racing, my body was shaking, my eyes were filling with tears. "Fatal, Fatal, Fatal". The EMT's words kept spinning around in my head. I walked outside to get some fresh air, hoping to calm down, but I encountered two more EMTs running past me with an empty stretcher. One exclaimed, "We might need to airlift him out of here." I followed them inside, to see my brother, for possibly the last time. I walked over to him and tried to look past the dozens of tubes and medical equipment attached to his body. The brother I once knew was still in there and hopefully that person would fight to live. I kissed him on the forehead and watched as the EMTs lifted his near lifeless body into the ambulance.
Unfortunately that wasn't the first or last time I had almost lost my brother. It was a three-year-long battle with drugs and alcohol and that night the addiction had won. After the sequence of horrifying events, my fragile 14-year-old mind and soul were shattered. However, instead of a life of rebellion and misery as a way to glue the little pieces back together, I put every tear and heartache into filling my life with positive energy, so I would never have to surrender to substance abuse as a teenager like my brother did. This decision did not come without retribution as my middle school friends were headed down my brother's same path and I had to break free, leaving me virtually friendless for a year.
I built dreams and goals for myself as a way to lead a fulfilling life. Challenging myself has become a part of me, and a crucial step in making my dreams of becoming a leader in the business world come true. In school, I am definitely not one of those students who can ace a final without having read the material. I've been told I go the extra mile, giving 150%, which is so much a part of my make up that I'm surprised when I receive recognition for it. I succeed scholastically with the power of motivation and an indestructible drive for excellence.
My devoted character and decision to live life with a positive attitude have led me to opportunities to make a difference in my community. Whether it is rescuing abandoned animals, using my Spanish skills to tutor disadvantaged children, or assisting the elderly with their everyday needs, I strive to help others. Being chosen for the Leadership class in the 9th grade was my salvation, instantly realizing it was the place where I really belonged. I entered SDA shy and unconfident and have become a strong independent young woman. Pushing past my freshman fears, I delivered a speech in front of the entire student body and was chosen by my peers as Sophomore Class representative. A year later, I was selected by students and administration as School Board Representative, reinforcing my true calling in life as a leader.
After a long, difficult road, my brother is now in recovery. But rather than following my brother's path, I decided to take the one "less traveled by and that has made all the difference".
I think the last sentence in the second paragraph is very awkward and you can do without it.
The last paragraph needs a lot of revising. A lot of the sentences can be written more eloquently. One thing admission officers look for is a statement about yourself, and the last paragraph just sounds like a list of "Well, I did this and this and this, and then this, followed by this." Make it more relate able to the rest of the essay, because right now it's kind of bland.
You have a lot of great ideas, and the ending is very, very sweet. However this essay could do with more work. Find some more people, whether they be friends or adults, to proof read it.
