Football: elaborate on one of your activities (150 words) College short answer

So i am writing a essay on 1 of my extracurricular activities and i was hoping i could get tips on how i could improve it

also i would like to know if going over the 150 word or fewer limit is considered to be viewed as negative thing?

The question given is Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities

An extracurricular activity that I really enjoyed was football. As an incoming freshman to high school I decided to go out and play a sport with a team, which I normally never did. For me, choosing to do this was a rare occasion. Football taught me many team values. Training for football each day was a way to show me that it takes practice and time to be able to excel in anything. I found that playing football was not only about playing the sport but about the relationships you make with others. In order to be successful on the field you had to be true team player. Being a true team player meant that you have to get along with each other on the field and you were able to get along with each other off the field as well. Football has opened up my eyes to the true meaning of teamwork and effort.

I would appreciate any input, thank you

training for football each day taught me that it takes time and practice to excel in anything.

I would put a little more passion into this. Let's see some more adjectives describing your passion for football

An extracurricular activity that I really enjoyed was football. As an incoming freshman into high school I decided to go out and play a sport with a team, which I normally never did. For me choosing to do this was a rare occasion. Football taught me many different team values. Training for football each day was a way to show me that it takes practice and time to be able to excel in anything. I found that playing football was not only about playing a sport but about the relationships you make with other teammates. In order to be successful on the field you had to be true team player. Being a true team player meant many things such as getting along with teammates on the field and as well off the field. Football has opened up my eyes to the true meaning of teamwork and effort.

This is the revised essay now. I still need to spice up the piece up a bit but without going over the 150 word limit

You're wasting word counts on really mundane elaboration. Keep it concise. Unless you're going to elaborate on why you "normally never play a sport w/ a team", then you should cut that part out.


Well, duh, remember the "show, don't tell rule?" :)

Your essay is a little bit generic and bland. Be specific. Maybe describe an instance when you were not a good sport or a team player, how did you gained insight on team work from that? Did your coach make you do 200 push-ups or weird drills everyday? Use more action words, be more "active" in your writing. I use red to indicate where your verb choice is weak.


Take my corrections as suggestions, do what you feel is right

Good luck :)

Return the favor and critique my essay. Thanks!

This sentence is unnecessary and boring.
The next sentence, though, is interesting!---> An extracurricular activity that I really enjoyed was football. As an incoming freshman to high school I decided to go out and play a sport with a team, which I normally had never done . For me, choosing to do this was a rare occasion. Football taught me many team values. Training for football each day was a way to show me that it takes practice and time to be able to excel in anything. I found...

And the rest of it is very good! But whenever you write something, go back and see if you can chop some unnecessary sentences... like I did above. :-)