"Football story" - U of Illinois

I think this one needs work. If you guys can make things happen please be my guest.

Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

Leadership is one of my top qualities as a person overall. If there were a description of my personality, leadership would be a proficient word alone. My natural leadership ability really worked well for me when I played the quarterback position for the Harper College football team. I initially chose football because it is my favorite sport and once I learned that Harper had its own team, I was sold.

It was in mid-August, the weather was hot and humid. We were all padded up from head to toe and in our sweat drenched jerseys. Although we were beaten from the weather, it was scrimmage time, our favorite part. We, as an offense, liked to call ourselves "The Good Guys." My offense lined up in formation as I stood tall behind the center and gazed out at the defense. Every player I stared at expressed determination in their faces. I read the pre-snap coverage, and directed my players as I made an audible to exploit the defense. I snapped the ball, dropped back, and threw a rope to a wide receiver in the back of the end-zone. The whistle blew as my coach signaled touchdown with his arms. That single moment erased all doubt as to who the leader on the field was.

I continued playing football because it helped hone and develop my leadership ability. My leadership played an enormous role in that particular touchdown; without taking initiative and being decisive, the end result wouldn't have been a score for the good guys. I am very grateful to have spent a season playing football with a group of guys dedicated to greatness. Football really built my character as a person because it helped me develop my raw leadership ability and decisiveness.

Great short essay!
I enjoy it as much as I enjoy football-a lot.
Well my only advices are:
-I would use quotation marks at your last paragraph for the good guys, but this is just me.
-as a person because...playing football because...you need a commas there (between the because and the other words.)

I specially like your second sentence and "Every player I stared at expressed determination in their faces..." they are in great position and do not distract the reader.

Hope I helped!
Read mines please-
Bowdoin...
FPU and Pepperdine...

This does not seem right. Proficisnt means skillful. Maybe you mean "adequate."

y natural leadership ability really worked well for me when---- this sounds like bragging. Maybe you should give an insight you gained about leadership -- something about encouraging others, perhaps -- instead of just claiming to have natural leadership ability.

My offense lined up in formation as I stood tall behind the center and gazed out at the defense.---- yes, all of this sounds very pompous! I'm sorry, I know you don't intend it to seem that way.

I suggest writing something that expresses humble appreciation for the role you got to play as a leader, despite your young age, etc., and then make a connection between leadership and your chosen field of study.

:-)