About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement

I really need help! My essay is not completely finished and I have major writer's block. I know I'm not that great of a writer and I highly appreciate constructive criticism!!!! My essay is about footie pajamas because I like writing about unconventional things. It is just a personal statement with "topic of your choice". In parentheses are the things I still need to write. Oh and any title ideas and ideas of how to shorten it are also helpful! Thanks.

"I don't know what to write about!" is my quintessential complaint these days. "Write about your Israeli heritage and how all of your trips to Israel have impacted your life," Mom suggested over the chopping of her lettuce. "Write about being born with cataracts and how the surgeries have affected you," Dad prompted over his Sunday paper. "Write about a person who has influenced your life, write about playing guitar and composing music, write about USY, write about being a yearbook editor," Ikleel, Becca, Sarah, and Claire encouraged. Write about this, write about that. Sure these were all good suggestions, but none of them struck a chord for me. "I just don't feel like that is an accurate portrayal of myself," I told each of them in turn. These may all be prominent aspects of my character, but they don't paint the whole picture. I want colleges to know me. I won't settle for anything less.

(Paragraph about zoo animals here.)
...

(Something in this paragraph about how footies show my inner child and about how all different parts make up the whole.)

"So how is that essay coming along?" Ben teased. "I don't know what to write about!" I cried in frustration, forgetting that I'm supposed to be pretending he doesn't exist. "Write about your footie pajamas," he said with a snigger. Hah. Write about footie pajamas for a college essay? How absurd, how ridiculous, how ingenious! How me.

To be honest, this is my favorite essay so far.

The essay shows your personality through the absurd footie pajama. I love the way you turned such ordinary activities into something pleasurable to read and that is the strength of a good writer. You chose to write about something insignificant over your parents' advice (most people will tend to write about those instead which is very cliche). I love the intro because it's a great indirect way to list something about yourself (I learned that you from Israel, you have a disease that required surgeries, you compose music, your accomplishments and extracurricular activities).

I'm not gonna go into much detail about grammar, I'm just gonna suggest how to shorten it.

Firstly, try to connect first and second paragraph together. You can describe the the family scene in the first paragraph (like it was actually going on, you mom cooking, your dad reading newspaper, your siblings playing in the living room while answering your question about what to write), then tie to the second paragraph, you can say "I returned to my room, with Mac on my laps....It's already past noon but I still haven't change from my footie pajama (then continue with that).


--> You don't need the last part because the reader can understand all that from reading "I learned to like myself"

You don't need to talk about zoo animal, because it doesn't feel like the part is missing from the piece.

I don't even think you need to add anything specific about the childhood of footie pajama, just add some story here and there throughout your essay.

I like the ending a lot. Great job and keep up your good work. Remember, when college readers read your essays, they only have one question in mind "Is this person gonna be a good roommate". I hope people will appreciate your essay as much as I did.

Thank you for the feedback, it is greatly appreciated! I will fix my essay and post the edited version on here soon. One thing that I question though is when you said


Isn't their question, "what makes this student unique and is he/she capable of college-level writing?" I don't really think they care about whether or not you are a good roommate. That's kind of irrelevant right now but I just thought I would respond to it. Thanks again!

Haha that too. But when I said "are you gonna be a good roommate", i mean everything about a person can be display through their writing. You can tell right away if a person is sloppy. A humorous person will decide to write a light hearted essay or funny. A person use good vocabulary (but correct, not just thesauri-zing) show their strong tier in controlling and even how engaging they are in persuading someone into their stories. Your uniqueness may not be shown through the "special" events that change your life but through how you point of view toward such changes. What I mean by roommate is how they are judging you, are they willing to spend a semester in the same room as you.

There are more to writing than just trying to sound professional (even though you are). The reasons for college to ask you to write essay because they want to know about you and your approach to life. You might see a lot of college level writing that involve something like "Through this experience I learned..." or "My childhood was tough because...". Correct but very mechanical and BORING. That's what you did not do and that's the reason why I love your essay.

Sorry for the lame and ambiguous metaphor XD

Haha ok I get it. It makes total sense to me now and I definitely agree with what you are saying.

I finished my essay! It is definitely still entirely too long, even though there isn't really a word limit. Sorry Tan Vi, I didn't really take your advice about shortening it because I wasn't focusing on that, I just wanted to get the essay finished. I might try it out though. Any other suggestions on how to shorten it are also very very welcome. Oh and please please give me title suggestions! And lots and lots of criticism. Don't be afraid to be harsh. Thank you!

"I don't know what to write about!" is my quintessential complaint these days ...

These are just my suggestion, you don't have to take it. Good luck :)

It is was now a particularly brisk September morning.and I am plopped on one side of my bed in my onesie,with a Macbook inon my lap, staring at this the blank page Word document , racking my brain for something. Anything. My little brother Ben just bur sted in my room, looking for somebody to exasperate. What else is new? Over the years, I have learned to get rid of him that the best way to rid myself of him is to completely by disregardignoring him completely and immerse myself in whatever is in front of me .

(new paragraph)
Since my college essay-writing is proving to be ineffectual, I am nowwas scrutinizing my footie pajamas. Yes, I am a seventeen year old girl with footie pajamas. The childish fleece zoo animals gaze up at me.their smiling visages reminding me of a simpler time asM y ears hearkenwere expecting for Ben's fading footsteps that indicate his exit, but none are coming. Instead, he wasnowadjacentright next to me, peeringperusingaround my laptop screen in thatthe annoying manner of his. "College Essay Draft," he read aloud in a mock nerd voice from the top of the document. I'm ignored him.

My hand is glidingmoved along the sleeve, taking in the softness and cringing when my fingers felt the vexatious obstruction of a lint ball. I attemptedwas tempted to pick each one off, but their numerousness is forced me to accept that they will remain therethe way it is . It seemed the older I am getting, the more I have to accept. I've accepted that I won't always get my way, that my parents will remain this irritating forever (only because they love me, of course), that I'm allowed to be myself. NowW hen I looked into the mirror, I was no longer make my customary list of the plethora of features I long to alterseeking after perfections . I no longer try to extinguish my sarcasm and oddities so people appreciate me more. They can enjoy my presence, or they can get lost.

I am nowT widdling the zipper in my hands, allowing the cool metal to contrast with the heat of my fingers, I zipped it up, down, up, down, hoping the racket will drive himBen away. I personally love the sound of zippers. It reminds me of the sound of fall jackets and jumping into piles of multicolored leaves, the sound of getting ready to battle it out in an intense snowball fight in the backyard, the sound of slipping into each dress for each dance that is sure to be the night of my life,the sounds of freedom. Suddenly, my zipper just got caught on a thread. How obnoxious. Why must every good thing encounter obstacles? I vividly recall the first time I popped a string on my guitar. Trivial, right? Not to me. I had been in the middle of teaching myself the solo to "Layla" when it happened. I was embraced by the melody; my eyes closed andas my body rollingswaying in sync with the unique rhythm. Then, TWANG! My E string hadrupturedsnapped in two. I was devastated until I realized that I could learn to replace the string myself. And so I did. I amwas tugging on the thread that is hindered my zipper by using the full strength of my bicep. It broke.

And to think, all of these fantastical features sewn into a single work of art! A memory just surfaced from my subconscious . I remembered when Iamwas 5 years old and wearing a pair of light pink footie pajamas (Pink? What a fail, Mom) . It iswas one of those days where I interrogate Mom with a fresh batch of questions that I thought of overnight. "Does rain come from God's shower? Why do Ben and Jonathan look so different if they are twins? What are people made of?" If only there wasis something that could represent what I am made of. This whole college application thing would surely be eighty-five times easier.

"So how is that essay coming along?" Ben teased. "I don't know what to write about!" I cried in frustration, forgetting that I was supposed to be pretending that he doesn't existwasn't there . "Write about your footie pajamas," he said with a snigger. Hah. Write about footie pajamas for a college essay? How absurd, how ridiculous, how ingenious! How me.

I see that you want me to make the entire essay in past tense, but I think I am liking present tense better. It is just more of the feel I was going for, but I will still consider changing it. I am going to have some other people edit it too and see what they think I should do. You have been really helpful and I thank you :)

Anybody else that would like to make some suggestions??

Hmmm. I'm actually in favour of past tense, cause of two things. One, present tense works best when you're writing the essay in second person. And two, you can inadvertently make things sound plain ridiculous: like "I am tugging on the thread that is hindering my zipper by using the full strength of my bicep. It broke." In that, you've got an action in the present tense, and the next bit of action in the past tense.

I really like it though. I don't think length is too much if a problem, cause of its nature. You just breeze through it, it's so natural. I'd shorten it to win ponts with the guy reading it, though, you gotta admit that (s)he'd be daunted by this. Especially since it skips around a lot, so your reader needs to be motivated to read it.

"They can enjoy my presence, or they can get lost." : NOT too sure this is something you'd want to put in a college essay. Since the people who you want to impress with it aren't rebellious 17-year-olds[;)]. Similar argument for leaving "Pink? What a fail, Mom" out of it. It's individual, but maybe to the point of belligerence?

I actually have already changed all the parts that you talked about, but it is still in present tense. I understand what you are saying about things sounding ridiculous and I am trying to work on that, but I can't seem to bring myself to change it, especially because I actually was partially writing this while it was happening. Obviously not the entire essay, but I did get the idea when my brother came into my room and started annoying me and I started typing this as he was being irritating. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could maybe fix it while keeping it in the present tense, or do you strongly feel that I should change it to past tense?

Also, I don't really understand why the admissions officer would be daunted by this? I don't really feel like it skips around too much, but I guess maybe it does for an outside reader?

Your essay is pretty well written, but I have to agree on using past tense. Some of your sentences switch between past and present tense, so it makes the sentence confusing. Because of this, it kind of throw off the main idea you are trying to convey (i.e. as a distraction to the reader). However, I really like the visual imagery. But the part, "It seems the older I am getting the more I have to accept" needs to be changed to "The older I get the more I need to accept."

Ok it looks like everyone thinks I should change it and I guess you are all right. I understand how this can be confusing, I guess I just don't see it because I am the one who wrote it. I'll fix it up.

This is great. It says a lot about who you are, and it discuses multiple aspects of what makes you "tick". I think that admissions officers will love this essay. They will be talking with their colleagues, and tell them about the pajama essay that they just read. I honestly don't have any criticisms of this essay. Actually, i do have one. I don't really understand the significance of the whole snapped guitar string paragraph. I think you should delve deeper into the significance of the situation, of why it was not a trivial problem.

I hope that you will take some time to read my common app essay. I wrote about a similar childhood topic that i think you could relate to based on what i read here.

Thanks! I took your advice and explained how back then I went into panic mode every time something interrupted my flow, and that is why is wasn't trivial to me. I will give your essay a look if I have a chance later, but right now I am kind of up to my head in homework and college stuff, as I'm sure you understand. :/