when you spend two years writing analysis papers for english you forget how to write about yourself, help mee please, its extremely rough but some input would be helpful(: im not sure if i should add anymore or not...ahhh yea
Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
"I don't think cabbage has heads." Joke. I've never been a funny person, or even a slightly outspoken person. I've done gymnastics for ten years and currently work at the club I compete for. I am a reasonably high achieving student, not exceptional like I wish. Only fortieth out of about three hundred students; it's a small high school. I've never been one to really explore things on my own. The day I was invited to travel to Germany though, things started to change. Three weeks without my parents with students from other schools, I was going to have a hard time getting myself to be social. I mean I was friends with the people in German Club, but it was still going to be challenging (silent scream of anxiety). Who really knows what to expect? I expected that the Montrose group would be cautionary and, in many ways, judgmental. I know Montrose. We are not the friendliest group, especially the German Club. When we finally arrived in Munich we waited, guessing which group was joining us. Finally our bus showed up and we climbed on, still waiting. Shortly a group of students headed out towards the bus. The group inside exploded with comments, not nice, mostly rude including suggested stereotypes. I was worried. What if they do the same? What are they going to say about me and who am I going to eat dinner with?! (Yes, I was worried that no one would want to sit with me.) But after spending the first day exploring Munich I decided that I had had enough with the Montrose group's comments. I split. What a wonderful thing and I do not regret it. How could I? I made some of the best friends, and I still keep in touch with them. Three weeks later I cried when I had to say goodbye to everyone in the airport. What had the world come to? Caitlin, being social?? Yes, obviously, but as much as I hated leaving my friends, I hated the remarks the Montrose group made about my friends on the flight home.
character count: 1,915/2,000
Hi Caitlin,
Some suggestions:
Firstly, your opening sentence is a bit confusing-- it lacks connection to the rest of the paragraph. I would take it out and use the "I've never...outspoken person" as your opening line because it is so much more to the point. Sometimes, the best paragraphs are the ones that keep a clear focus; this can be achieved by taking out the 'filler' that does not benefit the overall meaning of the paragraph.
Secondly, "I am a reasonably high achieving student, not exceptional like I wish" is not written correctly. Or, at least, it does not flow very well. I would rewrite it as, "I am a reasonably high achieving student, although I am not as exceptional as I'd like to be". This sentence that I've proposed is a bit wordy, but I'll leave it up to you to play around with it a bit. Bits like this one are scattered throughout your paragraph. Small, grammatical issues aren't a big deal, but Admissions Officers will notice them.
Thirdly, your closing sentence is not very strong:
"What had the world come to? Caitlin, being social?? Yes, obviously, but as much as I hated leaving my friends, I hated the remarks the Montrose group made about my friends on the flight home."
Notice that I've used a phrase rather than the official sentence. This is because your last line is really ambiguous... I would rework that into something along the lines of:
"What had the world come to-- Caitlin being social? As much as I hated leaving my friends behind, it was the remarks that the Montrose group that upset me most; their callous observations made me very despondent as I had become quite close to the Munich group. It was then that I realized the value in friendship lay not in the proximity of social values, but in the establishment of trust and honesty."
I would further elaborate on your friendships in Munich as that seems to be the main contrast with you Montrose peers.
Lastly, I would weed out any cliches and informalities; for instance, "I split".
Good luck on your application!
Thanks is this any better???
I've never been a funny person, or even an outspoken person. I did gymnastics for ten years and now work at the club I competed for. I'm a reasonably high achieving student but not as exceptional as I'd like to be; only fortieth out of about three hundred students. I've never been one to explore things on my own. Then I was invited to travel to Germany. It was three weeks without my parents, with students from other schools. I was going to have a hard time getting myself to be social. I mean, I was friends with the people in German Club, but it was still going to be challenging. Who really knows what to expect? I expected that the Montrose group would be cautious and judgmental. I know Montrose. We aren't the friendliest group, especially the German Club. When we finally arrived in Munich we waited, guessing which of the groups exiting terminals were joining us. Our bus showed up and we climbed on, still waiting. Shortly after, a group of students headed out toward the bus. The group inside exploded with rude comments. I was worried. What if they do the same to us? What are they going to say about me and who am I going to eat dinner with?! (Yes, I was worried that no one would want to sit with me.) But after spending the first day exploring Munich I decided that I'd had enough with the Montrose group's comments. I left the Montrose group and joined the North Dakota group. It was wonderful and I don't regret it. How could I? I made some of the best friends and I still keep in touch with them. Three weeks later I cried when I had to say goodbye to everyone in the airport. What had the world come to-- Caitlin being social? As much as I hated leaving my friends behind, it was the remarks that the Montrose group made that upset me most; their insensitive conversations made me unhappy. They were talking about my friends, people they didn't know. That's when I realized that friendship isn't a social thing; it's about being honest and trustworthy to people you care about.
I mean, I was friends with the people in German Club, but it was still going to be challenging. Who really knows what to expect? I expected that the Montrose group would be cautious and judgmental. I know Montrose. We aren't the friendliest group, especially the German Club.
maybe it's just me, but I'm confused by German Club and Montrose, not sure who they are actually. what do you mean by "we aren't the friendliest group", who is "we" ?
the revised one is better of course, but i still feel like it's too vague. i can't see what's the theme of the essay; is it about you being more social? or how you realize that friendship isn't a social thing? i think you should work on the flow of your essay.
good luck:)
