Any suggestions or helpful critiques are extremely appreciated!
Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (250 word limit)
While in my life, I have gained many experiences that have influenced me and my intellectual development, my visits to Japan definitely had the strongest effects. Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to live a fairly easy-going life. Because of this, I did not have to experience certain struggles that the impoverished or even just the less-fortunate at my own school were forced to deal with. Travelling to Japan opened my eyes to so much more than I had ever expected; travelling through the cities allowed me to see how fortunate I really am and understand the conditions in which some people have to live in different countries. Additionally, these trips exposed me to completely different perspectives on the world that I had never been introduced to at home, involving the environment, workers, and even basic architecture. Although in the US I can read about the other side of the world through online articles and newspapers, seeing truly is believing. I could never fully wrap my head around the way a country so different from my own could operate until I was able to visit historical sites and interact with Japanese citizens, finally giving me a much globally-knowledgeable perspective on life.
203/250 words.
Michelle, the response that you wrote is very cookie cutter and will not be differentiated from the other intellectual vitality essays that will be submitted. It is forgettable. An intellectual vitality essay looks for an interesting story that you can tell about a certain aspect of your personality, trait, or something that you learned from a unique experience in your life. I only get that that from your essay in general terms. You have to try and be a bit more specific.
For example, maybe during a trip to Japan, you decided to learn one of the many regional languages of Japan in order to help you better converse with them. Discuss how that affected your life and your understanding of how language affects the relationship of people. Talk about a time during the trip when learning the language came in handy and helped you realize that. It is stories such as those which the reviewer is looking to read about. It is not about simply describing how your travels affected you or opened your eyes. You need to present a specific instance and discuss it in an engaging and enlightening manner as well. So don't tell the reviewer, show the reviewer your intellectual vitality :-)
I completely changed my essay, so if anyone has a chance to read through and critique it, that would be wonderful! Thanks!
While in my life, I have gained many experiences influencing both me and my intellectual development, my volunteering at a local animal shelter has definitely had the strongest effect. The first time I walked into the shelter, I honestly had no idea what to expect, besides me just playing with cute animals. Well, I learned in an instant that I could not have been any more incorrect. While animal shelters tend to get negative reputations, volunteering at one has truly evolved my life. Having a helping hand in the healing of abused, neglected, and forgotten animals' lives has surged my interest in medicine and animals well beyond I ever expected. After volunteering for several weeks in a row, I was able to witness the healing and growing happiness in the animals, which is what finally opened my eyes to a career in medicine. I want to be able to diagnose a problem, but also be able to solve it, and witness the patient's improvement and healing. I hope to be involved with the patient, whether human or animal, for decades, build relationships with them, heal not only the patient but also his/her/its family. Without the start of my high school hobby, I may not have ever discovered the true benefit of medicine- helping one's community one life at a time, and how I fit perfectly into this field of study.
232/250
Michelle, this is pretty good work for a revised / totally new essay. It displays the kind of intellectual vitality that Stanford seeks in essays of this kind. The fact that you did not bother to differentiate between veterinary and human medicine tells the reviewer that you are a person who is far evolved in your ideas about life and the value of it. Your learning experience as a volunteer for the most helpless of all members of the planet is quite admirable.
You should feel confident about using this essay in this current version. It doesn't seem to be lacking in any way and is really a very informative response to the prompt. You brought the intellectual experience up by a few levels, making it obvious that you have the ability to learn, observe, and use the new information that you receive for your personal betterment and the benefit of those around you.
Good luck with your application. I am sure you have a pretty good chance of getting into Stanford :-)
Thank you so much for all of the tips and critiques! You have been so much help!
For the first prompt- "... truly matters in my life, making my family and friends the top priorities in my life" when you repeat in my life twice in the same sentence it sounds weird, so I would change that. You could just eliminate the first one easily. Also reading it, I feel like you're all over the place, i think you should stick to one thing about yourself and elaborate on it (prompt says reveals SOMETHING about you). Stick to how much you love baking and why baking makes you who you are. It sounds like you are doubting yourself, so present yourself as someone more confident and that you would be the BEST of roommates to have (while being humble of course).
For the second prompt- You are generalizing too much what a family is. We all love our families and can't do anything without them, but what do you see in your family that others don't, what makes them more special and matter more than anyone else with their family. Maybe introduce your essay with a story showing your relationship with a specific family member. Then, show why they are so important, how did your family shape you to be the person you are today? Also when you say you cannot live without them, explain why you can't.
Hope these suggestions help!
Good Luck! :)
