Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The spectators in the grandstands collectively gasped when Dandy, the horse I was riding, began bucking and rearing during my first horse show. No sooner had I tumbled off his back had Dandy galloped around the arena, searching for an exit with eyes wide with anxiety. Experienced riders looked on sympathetically as I limped over to the spooked horse and jammed my foot back into the stirrup. Several hands pulled me back down, and someone grabbed the reins from my hands. "He's too dangerous-- you should switch horses," said Tina, an experienced riding instructor. Dandy's owner, Chris, nodded and responded in agreement. My heart sunk low as I watched them lead Dandy away. I kept silent and went home in boots filled with dirt and worries.
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Here is an updated version!
The spectators in the grandstands collectively gasped when Dandy, the horse I rode, bucked and reared during my first horse show. As soon as I tumbled off his back, Dandy galloped around the arena searching for a way out- eyes wide with anxiety. Experienced riders looked on as I limped over to the spooked horse and jammed my foot back into the stirrup. Several hands pulled me back down, and someone grabbed the reins from my hands. "He's too dangerous-- you should switch horses," said Tina, an experienced riding instructor. Dandy's owner, Chris, nodded and responded in agreement. My heart sunk as they led Dandy away. I kept silent and went home in boots filled with dirt and worries.
After this scare, both my parents encouraged me to quit riding altogether. My mother believed I should completely shift my focus to piano. My father, an emergency room doctor, suggested swimming would be a better, safer sport. Though I enjoyed both piano and swimming, they could not replace the connection I felt to horse riding. I had bonded closely with Dandy and it felt wrong to quit after establishing that friendship.
I knew my decision had disappointed Tina, Chris, and my parents. My father refused to pay for Dandy's lease and riding lessons, as he saw horses a needless expense. Continuing to ride Dandy felt like a selfish act, especially because we were both inexperienced and improvement did not seem plausible. Nevertheless, I wanted to train and ride Dandy.
In exchange to pay for the lease, Chris hired me as a stable hand. Balancing school, horses, piano, swimming, and a job was a stressful challenge. An average school day left me exhausted, and I often stayed up past three in the morning to finish my homework. Managing my time was crucial, and when I failed to do so, I paid dearly the next day. The harder I worked, however, the more improvement meant to me. Books on horse-training became my leisure reading, and I became a more confident rider. Each time Dandy showed improvement, I would fervently praise him and end the training session on a good note; thus, training progressed slowly.
Despite my disappointing first horse show experience, and against the advice of my parents, I followed my passion to ride. Successfully winning competitions later with Dandy made me confident in pursuing my dreams. Qualifying for higher level competitions proved that hard work, and sometimes sacrifice, will be rewarding. Even though my father did not support enrolling me in a lesson program, learning through trial and error has taught me invaluable lessons not only about riding, but about life. Working with Dandy shaped my perspective about hardship: make every struggle an opportunity to succeed. Determination allowed me to follow my dreams, and this same determination gives me confidence to overcome any obstacles in the future.
I really like the premise of this essay. I truly felt your passion for Dandy and your overall determination in everyday life. However, I feel that you need to strengthen the conflicts of the essay. Sentences like "Nevertheless, I wanted to train and ride Dandy," and "Despite my disappointing first horse show experience, and against the advice of my parents, I followed my passion to ride," need to be elaborated. Make sure the reader really feels the significance of the dilemma/risks. This will immensely fortify the ultimate message of the essay. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.
If at all possible, I would appreciate your comments on my Princeton essay. Thank you very much and good luck to you in your application process.
Dandy's owner, Chris , nodded and responded in agreement.--- unnecessary details detract from the essay's energy.
Nice job here: boots filled with dirt and worries.
Use a comma before the conjunction in compound sentences:
I had bonded closely with Dandy, and it felt wrong to quit after establishing that friendship.
I knew my decision had disappointed Tina, Chris, and my parents. unnecessary
Successfully winning --I think one or the other of these words is enough... both together are redundant.
Even though my father did not support enrolling me in a lesson program, You know, I actually think the subtheme about your parents being unsupportive actually detracts from the message of the essay. I mean, what is the real lesson to be learned here? Is it that everyone has a unique calling and that we have to find our own despite what others think? I don't think it is about you proving you were right and your parents were wrong, so I think you should downplay all that stuff... and focus on the real lesson that can be learned from this story.
This is good, but it is very simple:
make every struggle an opportunity to succeed. Determination allowed me to follow my dreams, and this same determination gives me confidence to overcome any obstacles in the future.---you can build on this and make it unique, surprising, even controversial. Find a deeper part of this truth, and add to the essay.
:-)
