im applying to transfer to the UW 2014 fall quarter and this is my transfer essay in its 2nd draft. Currently my biggest concern is im about 200 words over the word count. would love feedback, opinions, and suggestions! :)
Content as well as form, spelling, grammar, and punctuation, will be considered. Suggested length is 750-1000 words.
my essay
I am one beyond lucky girl; I was born into a great life, one of opportunity, with people who were supportive and ready to help me make my dreams come true. My dad was the first person in his family to not only graduate from high school, but also graduate from UW with a degree in civil engineering. It's because he came from a background of poverty he saw the impact college had on his life and has always pushed the importance of education. Seeing where he came from and where he is now is truly inspiring and allows me to see all the opportunity's education has for me. Although my dad would love if I pursued engineering like him, or a career in the medical field, i have no interest in such subjects, but rather I have always been interested in world news, and helping people. It is this that has pushed me to major in international relations. I am absolutely in love with this major and can't wait to make a difference not only in this country but in this world. My dad is my one true hero, to me if he could save himself through an education than I could too; in my eyes he was always right and could do no wrong. My dad told me this was not a good major, I would never be able to find a job and I would be struggling my whole life, he never wants that for his kids. He was one of many to tell me this, but it was my father's opinion that absolutely devasted me and made me briefly give up my dream. I signed up for pre-req classes that would make it possible to transfer to something in the medical field. I absolutely hated it and school became a chore for me, my grades went down and I started skipping classes, then I realized this isn't me, I have no interest in this subject. Although I love my dad very much and respect his opinion, I could not live my life for him or anyone else. I went back to taking course related to international studies, I told my dad I would stick to my original major. He told me "I hope you don't struggle but instead prove me wrong" and that he would support whatever decision made me happy. It was this moment in my educational career that I realized I solely am in charge of my education, it is I alone that will make decisions that will impact my future, I am my own hero. I look forward to my very successful future in the international relations field.
UW is the most fitting school for me because it has such a diverse cultural environment, and has so many opportunities for all of its students. Also UW is the perfect location, going to this school will allow me to continue my education and still carry out my military duties all while being close to my biggest support system, my family. Yes there are other schools that are culturally diverse and have opportunities for its students, but to me UW is THE school, it's above all the rest, this was the school that changed my dad's life, for the better. This school will change my life, open my eyes to something greater, challenge me and help me become the best me.
I would love to say we as a society, as a country have made a total 360 degree turn, are open minded, have accepted everyone for who they are, and that discrimination of any kind no longer exists. But as we all know that is not how it is. Although we as a country have made tremendous strides against racism, sexism, etc. cultural discrimination is still very profound and obvious around us. I experienced this firsthand when I went to boot camp, I literally met people from all over the country, it was such a melting pot of girls in my training flight: different religions, races, ages, different values and way of seeing things and people. We had one girl who believed in the Wicca religion, one girl who spoke very little English and joined to get citizenship, one girl came from a town in Mississippi that was prominently white people, and another girl from the Bronx who had a problem with taking orders from a "white guy", we even had some girls who were over the age of 30 while most of us were in our early 20's. Somehow all of us 60 different girls had to become one big family and not only live with each other for two whole months but also survive boot camp. This was such an eye opening experience for me, I've never met people who are so different than I am, these girls were so unwilling to work with people different than themselves ,They were so close minded, they thought their way of seeing things was the right way, the only way. It was definitely a long bumpy road, with a lot of backward steps, at the end of the two months; we were not one big family because some girls were not willing to change their mindset. I realized how we all thought and our values, are based off the communities we came from, the people who surround us, and our environment that have the biggest impact on how we see the world. So we cannot blame people for how they think, but we must express empathy and see it from their perspective, understand why it is they think that way. This makes me thankful for the open minded person I was raised to be.
"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." John F. Kennedys most famous quotes, and a quote my dad has always preached to us. After high school, I joined the world's greatest air force, and to date it's been an amazing experience. In boot camp I was one of the five girls in charge of everyone else, the five of us worked alongside our MTI to take care and be in charge of the other girls, also in boot camp I received the thunderbolt award for exceptional fitness. I am in the air transportation and operations field; along with my normal job, I am a unit deployment monitor for my unit. I currently have 4 more years of my contract, then I have three choices: I could reenlist as an enlisted member, or my superiors are pushing me to attend officer school after completion of my bachelor's degree officer school is very competitive & I'm honored that they believe in me so much to push me in that direction, or to finish my term get out and continue a civilian life. As of right now I have no idea what I want to do, it's a big decision and one I will have to give a lot of thought on. Regardless of what I choose I will always be proud of my service and would never take it back.
Content as well as form, spelling, grammar, and punctuation, will be considered. Suggested length is 750-1000 words.
my essay
I am one beyond lucky girl; I was born into a great life, one of opportunity, with people who were supportive and ready to help me make my dreams come true. My dad was the first person in his family to not only graduate from high school, but also graduate from UW with a degree in civil engineering. It's because he came from a background of poverty he saw the impact college had on his life and has always pushed the importance of education. Seeing where he came from and where he is now is truly inspiring and allows me to see all the opportunity's education has for me. Although my dad would love if I pursued engineering like him, or a career in the medical field, i have no interest in such subjects, but rather I have always been interested in world news, and helping people. It is this that has pushed me to major in international relations. I am absolutely in love with this major and can't wait to make a difference not only in this country but in this world. My dad is my one true hero, to me if he could save himself through an education than I could too; in my eyes he was always right and could do no wrong. My dad told me this was not a good major, I would never be able to find a job and I would be struggling my whole life, he never wants that for his kids. He was one of many to tell me this, but it was my father's opinion that absolutely devasted me and made me briefly give up my dream. I signed up for pre-req classes that would make it possible to transfer to something in the medical field. I absolutely hated it and school became a chore for me, my grades went down and I started skipping classes, then I realized this isn't me, I have no interest in this subject. Although I love my dad very much and respect his opinion, I could not live my life for him or anyone else. I went back to taking course related to international studies, I told my dad I would stick to my original major. He told me "I hope you don't struggle but instead prove me wrong" and that he would support whatever decision made me happy. It was this moment in my educational career that I realized I solely am in charge of my education, it is I alone that will make decisions that will impact my future, I am my own hero. I look forward to my very successful future in the international relations field.
UW is the most fitting school for me because it has such a diverse cultural environment, and has so many opportunities for all of its students. Also UW is the perfect location, going to this school will allow me to continue my education and still carry out my military duties all while being close to my biggest support system, my family. Yes there are other schools that are culturally diverse and have opportunities for its students, but to me UW is THE school, it's above all the rest, this was the school that changed my dad's life, for the better. This school will change my life, open my eyes to something greater, challenge me and help me become the best me.
I would love to say we as a society, as a country have made a total 360 degree turn, are open minded, have accepted everyone for who they are, and that discrimination of any kind no longer exists. But as we all know that is not how it is. Although we as a country have made tremendous strides against racism, sexism, etc. cultural discrimination is still very profound and obvious around us. I experienced this firsthand when I went to boot camp, I literally met people from all over the country, it was such a melting pot of girls in my training flight: different religions, races, ages, different values and way of seeing things and people. We had one girl who believed in the Wicca religion, one girl who spoke very little English and joined to get citizenship, one girl came from a town in Mississippi that was prominently white people, and another girl from the Bronx who had a problem with taking orders from a "white guy", we even had some girls who were over the age of 30 while most of us were in our early 20's. Somehow all of us 60 different girls had to become one big family and not only live with each other for two whole months but also survive boot camp. This was such an eye opening experience for me, I've never met people who are so different than I am, these girls were so unwilling to work with people different than themselves ,They were so close minded, they thought their way of seeing things was the right way, the only way. It was definitely a long bumpy road, with a lot of backward steps, at the end of the two months; we were not one big family because some girls were not willing to change their mindset. I realized how we all thought and our values, are based off the communities we came from, the people who surround us, and our environment that have the biggest impact on how we see the world. So we cannot blame people for how they think, but we must express empathy and see it from their perspective, understand why it is they think that way. This makes me thankful for the open minded person I was raised to be.
"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." John F. Kennedys most famous quotes, and a quote my dad has always preached to us. After high school, I joined the world's greatest air force, and to date it's been an amazing experience. In boot camp I was one of the five girls in charge of everyone else, the five of us worked alongside our MTI to take care and be in charge of the other girls, also in boot camp I received the thunderbolt award for exceptional fitness. I am in the air transportation and operations field; along with my normal job, I am a unit deployment monitor for my unit. I currently have 4 more years of my contract, then I have three choices: I could reenlist as an enlisted member, or my superiors are pushing me to attend officer school after completion of my bachelor's degree officer school is very competitive & I'm honored that they believe in me so much to push me in that direction, or to finish my term get out and continue a civilian life. As of right now I have no idea what I want to do, it's a big decision and one I will have to give a lot of thought on. Regardless of what I choose I will always be proud of my service and would never take it back.
