"I thank God for each one of my blessing" - University of Michigan essay

Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

Everyday of my life, I have considered my dad my hero. He took care of me, loved me, and taught me numerous cool things. A few of these are how to fish, how to correctly hold a golf club, and how to cheer on the University of Michigan football team. He always was encouraging, respectful, honest, and hard working. All of these values I highly hold within my own heart today. As an 11 year old boy, I never thought I would be able to live with out him by my side. After my dad died from a heart attack, I soon had to face that unfortunate reality. Without my family, friends, and faith, I do not know how I would have made it through each day.

I felt incredibly confused for months after my dad's death. I wondered, Why me? I often even questioned my faith in God for doing such a thing to my family. I lost my mentor, and my hero. It was difficult for me, and sometimes still is difficult for me to see the positive side of this event. Recovering from the shock and depression of an event like this was extremely hard, but with my mom and my brother next to me, we held our family strong and did not crumble under the load. The hardest part for me was the fact that he would miss so many extraordinary events in my life. He would never see another one of my baseball games, or watch another school awards assembly. I found it extremely difficult to accept this and to stay positive and optimistic. There were the occasional sleepless nights, but it just proved to me that my love for my dad was true.

Everyday I thank God for each one of my blessings. I do not often tell my mom this, but I am so thankful that my family is involved in our church, and that I was enrolled in a parochial school through my elementary years. I feel the knowledge and the values I was taught there, combined with the good example my parents put forth, set my foundation, and was the cornerstone for me to become a great man. My Christian values have shown in my character throughout the years, and I am grateful to have had this foundation to base my future upon.

Entering my senior year of high school I am willing to take on new challenges and set backs knowing that they will develop me further, and strengthen me as an adult. I know that any situation can be handled with prayer and a little effort, along with the support of your family. I am excited to face the world and I feel thankful for where I am today. I believe my future holds many bright things for me. As long as I keep my eyes on the goals ahead of me, I believe no obstacle is too big for me to tackle head on.

The loss of your father must have been a painful, deeply emotional experience for you. You could show us this by writing a narrative anecdote or two about the incident and your reaction to it. At the moment, though, you only tell instead of show, and so the reader only really apprehends the emotion logically, rather than emotionally, which is clearly not that great. Also, your instance on using weak verbs, especially forms of "to be," greatly compounds this problem. Start over, only this time, write it more as if you were writing a short story, only one that happens to be true. Your goal should be to make the reader feel as you felt. Given the nature of the incident you are recounting, this might be difficult for you, but it is what you need to do to make the essay competitive.

Sean's advice is sound. Use this opportunity to continue healing from the experience by writing about it from the heart.

thank you so much for your help. it's nice to get another opinion on such a topic without showing every english teacher i have ever had! thanks again!