"Gold, Garnet and Gray" - sharing my story for college application

Topic:
Share your story with us. Tell us how you came to be the person you are today, and about your passions and future expectations. Describe how you will benefit from our community and how our community will benefit from you.

Gold, Garnet and Gray
Ever since I was young, I have always been what I consider to be a color enthusiast. I enjoy looking at the different colors and shades of my environment and as I grow older, I find myself using colors as a way to better understand and define who I am, and the world around me. A specific color that comes to mind when coming to this understanding of self, and the world around me usually ends up being gray. Gray blends these completely opposite colors and makes it into its own.

As a person, I am neither black nor white. Many aspects of me are made up of many dualities, sometimes contradictory, that manage to mix and create whom I am. As a first generation Jamaican-American (Big up Jamrock), there are aspects of myself that derives from the Jamaican side of me, such as the music that I listen too and the foods that I enjoy. At the same, being born and raised in America has left a huge impression on the way I think, which tends to be less traditional.

There are many phenomena in my life that define me because I fall short of what is considered the normal. The fact that it is more difficult to label me in an exact category is a huge defining factor of me. Being Jamaican-American, I'm not quite considered completely American or completely Jamaican. My grandmother has yet to let me forget that I'm just a,"Yankee Pickney." My Jamaican background also creates a completely different black experience, than those who are born into a completely Black-American family. I live in Miami, which is known to have a large Latin population. In turn, I have been immersed in Latin-American culture. I like to say am a minority of minorities. I find myself being the only Black person in most of my classes. Even though sometimes being different can be hard, I think I provide a new perspective in these classes.

I believe I have just as much to offer Florida State, as it does to me. FSU is known to be a school to promote diversity and celebrates differences of people. Joining FSU would be the perfect opportunity to share my unique perspective of the world, and to learn the unique perspectives of others who are in that gray zone.

Please give any advice. Should i add more? Should it be more personal? thank you

I think your essay have many ideals, so I give you my opinion about this:

I enjoy looking at the different colors and shades of my life . When I grow older, I find myself using colors as a way better understanding and defining who I am and the world around me.

Personally , I am neither black nor white. Many aspects of my life are made up of many dualities, sometimes contradictory, that manage to mix and create whom I am. As the first generation Jamaican-American (Big up Jamrock), there are many aspects of myself that derives from the Jamaican side of me, such as the music that I listen too and the foods that I enjoy. At the same, being born and raised in America that has left a huge impression on the way I think which tends to be less traditional.

There are much more phenomena in my life that define me because I fall short of what is considered the normal.

I like to say that I am a minority of minorities. I find myself being the only Black person in most of my classes.

I believe I have just as much to offer Florida State, as it have to offer to me.
Joining FSU would be a great opportunity to share my unique perspective of the world, and to learn the unique perspectives of others who are in that gray zone.

Cameron, the first part of your essay is really informative. I came to find that I got to know the kind of person that you are because of your personal history. However, it falls short when it comes to discussing your future expectations. As a future college graduate, where you do you see yourself after 4 years? I assume that you are enrolling in a standard 4 year course right? What are your dreams and ambitions for yourself? Imagine your future and share it with the admissions team. They will be interest to learn more about how your past connects to your present, and will continue to influence your future :-)

The essay needs to develop the part about"Describe how you will benefit from our community and how our community will benefit from you. " in a more detailed and developed manner. I don't really get how you will benefit from the community and vice versa. You can normally do this by explaining your extra curricular interests which you can continue to pursue at the university you are applying to. It can be anything from joining the varsity team or joining an existing club or organization, or rallying the student community towards a new cause that you will be spearheading. The way you can develop a response to that instruction is limitless. You just have to imagine what it is you want to do with your spare time in college.