I hope to get into A&M for biology and one day move on to their veterinary program, I have a basis, but i don't really know how to tie it altogether into a good statement of purpose essay. Any ideas? Here's what I've got so far.
Unlike many of my close friends, instead of immediately going away to college after graduating high school, I decided, upon being a student with an undeclared major, to attend a community college. Despite the pressure I felt from fellow peers who already seemed to know for a fact what they wanted to study and exactly how their lives would play out after that, I just wanted to focus on getting my basics done and really explore all of my possibilities before choosing one that would ultimately determine a big aspect of the rest of my life. I was never someone who settled on simply being satisfied, I wanted to be passionate about what I was doing.
College life so far was pretty easy but by my third semester I still had really no idea what I wanted to do. I was beginning to become discouraged as the amount of my peers who were undeclared such as I, were becoming fewer and fewer in number, and this just added to the pressure. I then began wondering if school was even the right choice for me, sure I had always managed to achieve good grades in just about every subject, however I didn't see any of those acceptable grades turning into a one day career. Although math had always...
Jonathan,
I feel as though you are using too many words in your sentences. Try this instead:
After graduating high school, I decided to attend a community college as opposed to attending a major university with an undeclared major, as a lot of my friends chose to do. Although there was a great deal of peer pressure, I decided to focus on my core classes and spend some time exploring all of my possible majors before choosing one that would determine what I will be doing for a good deal of my lifetime.
Do you get the idea? Try using smaller words, or less words in your sentences. Write to "express," rather than to "impress," and I think that you will go a lot further.
Thanks,
Mark
I was never someone who settled on simply being satisfied, I wanted to be passionate about what I was doing.
This sentence is good, but I think you can make it even better. The first sentence of paragraph one is important because of the effect it has on the reader. Write a sentence that expresses something you ARE certain about, something you ARE passionate about... "keeping my options open," perhaps.
Although math had always come very easily to me I didn't want to sit at a desk and crunch numbers all day, and although I could get by pretty easily in history I wanted to examine and affect the world today, not simply study documents from the past. I decided I wanted to do something that involved a more hands on approach. Here, I crossed out some sentences that are a little uninteresting...
My mother, coming from a medical background--- know what this sentence is? It's going to be the new start of your essay. Well, for me, this is where the essay really starts. I do not want to hear about your many years of indecision. Write about that in a different essay, but not here.
Give a half of one sentence to mention wrestling with uncertainty, and then get right into talking about what you are certain about.
I hate to recommend a big revision, because you have such an excellent writing style... but use all this stuff about indecision in a different essay. In this essay, use a theme that is as unique as you are, and one that really demonstrates what you ARE certain about. Give us a glimpse of your future as you envision it.
Unlike many of my close friends, instead of immediately going away to college after graduating high school, I decided, upon being a student with an undeclared major, to attend a community college. Despite the pressure I felt from fellow peers who already seemed to know for a fact what they wanted to study and exactly how their lives would play out after that, I just wanted to focus on getting my basics done completedand.Then, I can really explore all of my possibilities before choosing one that would ultimately determine a big aspect of the rest of my life. I was never someone who settled on simply being satisfied, I wanted to be passionate about what I was doing.
Do you see what I mean about the sentence structure? It might behoove you to re-write this essay first, and then re-present it to the forum in a corrected form. Get your sentences down to a length that is acceptable. Some of them sound as if they are "run-on" sentences. I think that you have a good essay here, it just needs a little polishing. Please re-write it.
Mark
Jonathan,
I was a transfer student a couple of years ago and I remember agonizing over my essay. My advice to you is the same given to me. Keep the essay short-one page max. The essay needs to cover two key points; 1. what you have acomplished at your present college, and 2. why you want to transfer.
I'd leave out most of your ramblings of being unfocused, unsure, and looking to others what you should do. You could say that since graduating from high school you have taken the opportunity to explore areas of interest at xyz community college, and in so doing have now narrowed your focus to biology in anticipation of gaining acceptance to a veterinarian school.
Good luck
Graduating from high school marked not only the start of new beginnings for me, but also laid out a whole new range of indecision. My life no longer revolved simply around the small things, such as what my plans were for the weekend. It now came down to much greater plans, like what i wanted to do with the rest of my life! This overwhelmed me and for the next few months the indecisiveness and hesitation only grew stronger. With each major I learned more about, came only the lack of spark in my interest. My mother, knowing I was bouncing around from major to major and coming from a medical background, suggested one day that I myself try medicine. Seeing no other options, I began to take some science classes. School immediately became more enjoyable than ever before. The material I was learning, along with my teachers' guidance, made me absolutely fall in love with the subject. The classes I enrolled in were so much more rigorous and hands on than any other subjects I had experienced so far and I loved it. I became so interested, in fact, that I found myself gladly signing up for the science club on campus. This, too, opened up a whole new realm of the scientific world for me. I quickly began researching some of the careers that one could pursue involving science and using your hands. The one that really stuck out to me among the others was becoming a veterinarian. The only thing that struck me as odd after really discovering the specifics behind this career was why I hadn't thought of it sooner! I've always had a strong love for animals. I had my share of pets throughout the years that I adored. I also, as many others in the medical field do, loved to help others. What better job for me was there?
It wasn't long before I decided to look for some volunteer work at veterinarian clinics in the area. I was anxious and excited to put forth my help. Unfortunately, after applying to almost every clinic in north San Antonio, I came up empty-handed. Soon after, however, my family and I made a move to the small city of Helotes. Almost as soon as we arrived, I applied to a clinic there, feeling hopeful, yet doubtful. Contrary to my doubts, however, after two interviews I proudly accepted an internship at Helotes Animal Hospital. After shadowing a technician for a week, all the while asking every possible question I could think of, I found myself more and more eager to have my turn at actually assisting the doctor. As most things had transpired with this whole experience, change seemed to come overnight. My strong desire to get some hands-on training was soon fulfilled when my first patient came through the door. After drawing up vaccines and handing them to the doctor, he asked if I was ready. Without a doubt in my mind I said yes, trying to seem somewhat calm, but inside I was ecstatic with excitement.
Being alone with the doctor and the patient for the first time was a completely new experience for me. It was also an experience I will never forget, because it taught me to be prepared to expect anything. Five minutes after we administered the shots to a tiny squirming poodle, the dog started to have a reaction to something in the medication, and began throwing up uncontrollably. I had never seen this situation occur in my weeks of shadowing and training, but after seeing the look on the doctor's face, I knew something was terribly wrong. He told me to take the small dog to surgery, a place I had never gone near before. The once lively poodle was now laying almost lifeless in my arms, with only a very faint heartbeat. The doctor was going a mile a minute, continually barking orders. My main task was to hold the oxygen tube for the little dog. I watched as the doctor tried almost every technique that he knew to try, to no avail. Finally, he made one last attempt to administer adrenaline to the pup. Miraculously, and to everyone's relief, the poodle started to slowly but surely come back to us. Thankfully, he made a full recovery and is still the same very animated poodle today. A bigger change had happened in me, however. I had witnessed, and in a small way been a part of, saving an animal's life. Later, as I watched the relieved owner walk out the door with their fully recovered pet, I got a strong sense of the importance of what that veterinarian was able to do. At that very moment, it was crystal clear in my mind that this is what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be able to be the doctor that made those moments happen.
In the months following that first patient, I've been a part of an incredibly wide range of situations. From the uncomplicated tasks of cutting dogs' nails and giving cats a bath, to the vital responsibilities included in helping the doctor treat illnesses, heal injuries and ultimately save lives, each and every experience has expanded my understanding of this field, as well as my longing to be a part of it. I have discovered a whole new feeling of satisfaction I've never felt before with any of my other endeavors. This satisfaction is something I want to experience every day I go to work.
Although it does take this kind of passion to practice veterinarian medicine every day, I know that alone won't ensure a license to do so. The right schooling from the right institution, along with that passion, will allow me to fulfill my dream. I have worked with a veterinarian who is an A&M alumnus. He knew that learning from the people who know veterinarian medicine best would lead to the abilities of knowing how to react in any situation, with any animal. That is why I wish to attend A&M University. I've seen firsthand what doors having an education can open, and the intelligence that A&M's former students exhibit has proven to me, personally, that this school has what I need. The university has an excellent program for attaining a biology degree, after which I will be prepared to attend A&M's veterinary school. One day, I myself will be a capable veterinarian.
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