UC prompt 1: My grandmother, my rock

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

The narrow hall ends in a large spacious room where my grandmother sits. I grab a seat next to her while she rests in her wheelchair, bundled in many layers. She smiles up at me as I walk in. "Laundry day again?" she asks.

Every weekend, I walk up to my grandparents' house and just talk to her. Through these conversations, I have learned so much about her struggles, her joys, and her life. My mom says that my grandmother is the most intelligent woman in the world. My grandmother did not receive a proper education, but if she did, I could picture her as a government official. Even without any education, she somehow managed to pass the citizenship test. [..]

I'm debating whether I should use this one or create a new one.

Please be harsh.

How are the transitions?

- Is it too cliche?
- Is it too much like a story?
- Is there too much about her and not enough about me? How should I change it?
- Grammar mistakes, etc.
Thank you in advance.

Please be harsh on this essay. I'm aware that this essay could use a lot of work.

-I'm not a grammar expert but i think it should be "when she had a stroke" instead of "when she got a stroke". Also, in the last sentence you wrote, "I hope that, one day in college, can develop technology..." i'm pretty sure there should be a a subject before "can" describing who or what can develop technology. Other than that, it seems to be what they are looking for. I would change a few things just to make it stand out more, I feel like they receive a lot of essays like this one. but it is really good! i like it. its not too long and it doesn't go into an annoying amount of detail, which is good since they read hundreds of these things.

-The intro is a good start to the essay. In the second paragraph i would go into more detail about what you take away from the conversations and how they have helped you become you.

-I would make it a little less choppy throughout the whole thing and try to use more transitional sentences, if you're going for the 500-500 between the two prompts. if you aren't then i would just focus on improving sentence structure, and my secret is thesaurus.com. it is awesome and totally helpful. i love it.

-In the third paragraph at the end, include something about what you take away from the stories she tells you.
-from what I've be taught, they like dialogue and a variety of punctuation so if you want try to include some of that.

this is a GOOD essay! i hope this isn't too harsh and i hope it helps! good luck!

Thank you, that is awesome feedback.

I'm not the best essay writer, but since the prompt says 'tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.', i think you should talk about your dreams and aspirations in order to show how your grandmother influenced your dreams.

Just a suggestion :P

Thank you. I'll be sure to remember that.

Too much focus on your grandmother. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM OR ASPIRATION??? you just say you hope that you can develop simple technology? Is that your dream?

this is very unclear and it does not answer the prompt.

Thank you, uscuscusc. I hope you get into usc.