Please share an example of an instance when you feel creative thought really did matter. (Feel free to draw upon history or your own experience.)
It was mid-autumn and I was 9. In my grandparents' village, on top on a hill, dozens of kites were soaring high in the blue sky. "This is not fair." I grumbled under my breath as I standing at the bottom of the hill, in awe of the altitude of the kites. A horde of dragonflies whirled in the air and suddenly I was enlightened. Using a net, I caught a dragonfly and I tied a thin string around its waist. Just like any other kids, I ran to the top of the hill and proudly sent it flying in the sky. Though my first "kite" did not fly high, it was the most unique and others offered to trade with me. Since then, I learned that creative thoughts really matter.
Any suggestions or edits on how to make it stronger?
It didn't really answer the question. and its a little cliche that you suddenly had this epiphany while a horde of dragonflies pass by. I think you should start from scratch. good luck! (:
I don't get it when you say dragonflies and tied a string around the waist. Was it a kite or the actually insect? Otherwise good job.
I agree, start from scratch, and by the way do not repeat the assignment word by word, particularly not at the end.
If you got time, please have a look at my essay.
What is your word limit?
Maybe combine the first two sentences into something like: Spotting across the blue mid-autumn sky in my grandparents' village were dozens of kites, easily visible from my spot at the foot of a grassy hill. A tad wordy, but try to remove the first sentence somehow while still including the information in your essay. Currently it seems a little talky. "It was this. I was this. There was this other thing." Not that bad but that sort of style is apparent in the beginning. Changing this allows you to make this change: ""This is not fair." I grumbled under my breath as I stood at the bottom of the hill, in awe of the altitude of the kites." More concise. Yet it still confuses me... why are you grumbling if you are in awe? Two opposite emotions coming out in that sentence.
This is not fair, " I grumbled...
Just like any other kids, I ran...
Add a sentence at the end about how that reaction made you feel. I don't get a sense of YOU from this essay quite yet. I only get it from hearing about your actions, however endearing. I want to know why this event affected you and what about it made you realize creative thinking was important. Tell me what you felt from it. What changed in you?
Altogether, I really like where this is going. Great topic.
Thanks a lot !
Revised: It was mid-autumn and I was nine. On top of the hill, dozens of kites were soaring high in the blue sky. "This is not fair," I grumbled under my breath for my cousins not teaching me how to make a kite. A horde of dragonflies whirled in the air and suddenly I was enlightened. Using a net, I caught a dragonfly and I tied a thin string around its tail. Just like any other kid, I ran to the top of the hill and proudly sent my "kite" flying in the sky. Though my first "kite" did not fly high, it was the most unique and others offered to trade with me.
word limit 700 characters. now 540
Can anyone help me with the revised one above? THANK YOU.
The revised one is pretty good. I think you should go ahead. :)
Please take a look at mine?
How can I make it stronger?