'it was great that a freshmen would be a leader' - Short Answer on Common App

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

My freshmen year of high school was a new beginning. I attended a new school, made new friends, and started playing a varsity sport. As a freshmen, I looked up to older students for guidance, never thinking I would become someone others would look up to as a leader.

My second week of high school I got a job tutoring at Legacy Christian Middle School. It was a simple job, meet with a sixth grade girl and help her complete her homework. The first month was awkward at best. She wouldn't focus and it was difficult to complete the simplest of assignments. She was completely different from my focused and determine work style. I thought I wasn't making a difference until one day I showed up five minutes late. She was near tears thinking I wasn't coming. I thought I couldn't be in a leadership position because I was a freshmen, she thought it was great that a freshmen would take the time to help her study.

do i need to be more specific? does this answer the prompt well?

I attended a new school, made new friends, and started playing a varsity sport.---Your essay will be much more personal, if you mention which sport.

During m y second week of high school I got a job tutoring at Legacy Christian Middle School.

It was a simple job, meeting with a sixth grade girl to help her complete her homework.

She was near tears, thinking I wasn't coming.

I had thought I couldn't be in a leadership position because I was a freshmen, while she thought it was great that a freshmen would take the time to help her study.

I think you could use a closing sentence, but other than that, it's fine.

:)

Thank you very much. I've been trying to come up with a closing sentence but I'm almost out of characters. Could you please read my other essays? :)

katebrown
Grammar:
"It was a simple job, meet with a sixth grade girl and help her complete her homework."
I would suggest using a colon rather than a comma if you want to keep the second part of that sentence as it is.

"I thought I couldn't be in a leadership position because I was a freshmen,but she thought it was great that a freshmen would take the time to help her study."

I'm not sure if this is exactly what you with this sentence, but without a conjunction there, you are comma splicing.

Content:
Your example here is great, and colleges will love it. The only problems are that your prose is a bit clunky, and a lot of sentences feel a bit unnecessary; you could probably leave out the whole first paragraph without losing much. These make it hard to determine the overall point of the essay.

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but I think that your essay has fantastic potential. It just needs some refinement.
Thanks for reading my essay too. :)

Thank you zeugma! Harsh is what turns rough drafts into finish products! I really appreciate it! :]